traversing towards destinations

I read a quote today that was really impactful: 
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain" -Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, page 100.


As of late, I've been thinking about my life and my desire to "have more fun" or make it more "worthwhile". After thinking on what I mean by these two phrases, I realize that life is what I make out of it. It's like making strawberry lemonade out of lemonade and strawberry Stoli rather than lemonade and actual strawberries. I would be bummed if I had to make it the natural way. Stoli makes it much more delicious, you know. But, I need to learn that just because I don't have the Stoli doesn't mean that I can't make strawberry lemonade at all, I just need to make it with the ingredients that i have. 


How often is it that life is more like an episode of Chopped -which for those of you who do not know, it's a Food Network show in which 4 chefs compete for a prize of $10,000. The whole premise is that they receive a basket of 3-4 foods out of which they have to make either an appetizer, a main course, or a dessert. None of the chefs know what these ingredients are until the time is on the clock and they have to race to make the food. These ingredients are obscure and always interesting. For a main course there could be duck breast, green onions, honey and ginger which, unless you are a good chef and can run with what you're given, it becomes quite difficult to make something that.- The same is true of life. we are thrown into these random situations and unless we have a good attitude about them and learn to ride with the current instead of struggling against it, we will not do well. 


I keep thinking - oh, when I get a car life is going to be better; when I have my own place I'll have lots of people who will come over and hang out, etc, etc, etc. The truth is, life is right here right now. 

Souza wrote: 

for a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin. 

but something always got in the way. 

at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. 

this perspective has helped me to see that happiness is a journey, not a destination :)

And it's so true! I can keep putting my life off until I've gotten it 'right' but I will never, ever, have it right. Nothing is ever going to be perfect or complete or just how I want it. Something is always going to get screwed up or screwed over but I have to realize that I need to make the best out of it. God is good - he provides for me all that I need. I am never alone, never forsaken. He has never left me. 

As an old college friend wrote 

:: I have never been let down by my Savior.
:: I have loved every step of my journey thus far.
:: I am not God, and so thankful for that!
:: God knows what is coming, and I do not need to know.
:: I am seeking Jesus, and in that, He will deal with my mind and heart each step of the way.
:: I choose Faith and Trust through this all.

I was convicted at church on Sunday. The sermon was entitled "Personal Transformation, City Transformation" One of the phrases that stuck out to me the most was "Jesus wanted disciples, not admirers..." and how often is it that I am more the admirer that the disciple. To admire is to regard with wonder, pleasure or approval. to like or desire. A disciple is one who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another. I often find it easy to watch someone with pleasure and I definitely admire Christ, but I can say that while I embrace Christ's teachings, I often in no way assist with spreading these teachings. Sure, I keep His teachings in my head and in my heart, but am not usually vocal with them, at least not with people other than with whom I attend church. 

What happened to being in the world but not of it. I find that I more identify with being of the world rather than just living in it. Where does my allegiance lie? By my deeds and words, it's here rather than passing through to Heaven. To tie this all back together, it's not going to be until I get it in my heart that I am not destined for what life offers here in the present world but rather for the future world with Christ, I am never going to find that happiness that I so desire. I will find glimpses of it, but never will I be completely satisfied. 

This is my temporary home. It's not where i belong. windows and rooms that I'm passing through. 

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going. This is my temporary home.

Hermitcy & Motives

So recently I've been a bit of a hermit.
I find it's not that difficult to master, though it does discourage me sometimes.
While I know that a lot of the things that are going through my head aren't true, I still tend to give them way too much of my though process. There are a lot of lies roaming around unchecked in this brain and heart of mine, and I need to learn to tune them out and not give them any though at all. But that is a hard lesson to learn, and I find myself bending to these lies.


I think that the main lie inside of me right now is that I could disappear and no one would really know. I know that that is a complete fallacy and that there are plenty of people that would notice and whom would care. But I find that the more I hermit, and the more that I'm not getting involved with the people around me the more I being to believe this idea.


One thing has really been bugging me as of late, and I guess it also goes along with this theme of hermitcy & "invisibility", if you will. It's this whole thing about not having "real" friends. And, to understand this line of though, I suppose I have to identify what a "real" friend is to me. I feel that in my life I am always making acquaintances. I am very good at getting to know people to a certain extent, of getting along with them and making them feel at ease when I am around them.


Because I am a very closed off person I find that it's easy to be surface level, and maybe even a little deeper but there is no one that I am fully myself with. There are things that no one knows about me and that makes me a little sad. I'm really good at listening to others and giving them advice or helping to give them the ability to figure things out for themselves, but I'm terrible at opening up to others. I honestly don't think there is one time that I have let everything that is inside of me out. And I'm not really talking about deep, dark patches of my life, but just in general. I always tell myself that I'm good at internalizing things and figuring them out for myself, and this is mostly true, but once I would just like someone to really push me about life and not let me take an out. 

Because I am who I am, I get frustrated by the fact that people don't ask about me as much as I ask about them. Actually, it's not so much that they don't ask, it's that they don't push me to open up. I can say, "Life is good," or "I'm fine" but no one asks me what "fine" means. But the honest truth is I probably wouldn't open up anyway. I always do that. I thirst for people to ask about me but when they do I still brush it off and say I'm fine. I think that I put up those walls because I'm waiting for those people, those "friends", who will huff and puff and blow them down. Like the big bad wolf in the three little pigs. 

And I hate that I've been this way my whole life. In so many aspects. 

I've been wondering about my motives lately. After some talks, and contemplating the behavior of others, I wonder how much like them I am. What are the motives behind my actions. Do I tend to do things where I will get something out of them, or am I mostly self-less in my actions. Looking back and seeing what I do for others, and thinking about them with un-biased thoughts, I do think that for the most part, even if something doesn't benefit me I still try to help others out. Obviously, there are sometimes when this is not the case, but I do believe with my heart that this is not true with the majority of my underlying motives. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence entitled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" and it's really made me stop and think about the motives behind my motives behind my actions. The lyrics to this song are 

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back

wants to shake your hand

when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up 

and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end

This ain't where the bandwagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

(yeah, yeah)

You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

(Well man, I've been there)

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there

Oooh yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about the actions of others, of those who I would call acquaintances, but who would perhaps call me friend. But I don't want to be that person who has the plank in my eye: "don't judge, so that you won't be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye;' and behold, the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." {Matthew 7:1-6; WEB}. 

At this point, I am trying to figure out how big this beam is, and whether I can use tweezers to get it out, or if I need to go with the bigger guns. I see the actions of people and I think, "how selfish they are" or "how uncaring or thoughtless" and often times I think I am better than those who are around me, but I know that that isn't always true and there are times when I put myself first and others later. and vice versa. But I don't like when I attempt to put myself later, but it backfires and people think that I'm being selfish that way. I don't know that I can give any examples of that, but I'm sure it has happened.

And that is what it is...

Community & my responsibility...

Today, after babysitting this morning, I got to spend sometime with Jess and we talked about a lot od different things. I was inspired today to become more involved in people's lives. Though not in a harsh and demanding way.

Henri Nouwen, in his book Gracias, wrote, "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, and greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presencve. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire is to be useful, to do something significant, is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings and conferences, that prevent me from walking the steets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause and not to feel that you are working directly for special progress. But, I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them but you truly love them” (p.147).

How often is it that I am doing these things? with people closest to me, I am surely doing these things, though I might be a little more "demanding" about it. But I can guarantee that with people who I don't know and who don't know me, and who, perhaps, are different than myself whether gender-wise, racially, sexually, spiritually, personality-wise, tempermanent-wise, etc. I am not seeking to find and build community. This really makes me stop and wonder about who it is that I am trying to be and how I might be different now than I once was.

Aside from that wondering, I now have to figure out how I am going to take this knowledge and apply it to my life in a fashion that befits this calling to love God and love others. This is not going to be an easy task, I can figure that out on my own... however difficult this is going to be, I need to remind myself the reason I am in this boat to begin with and I just really need to push myself to put my own motives and desires aside and to search out this journey.

Cigarettes & Compartmentalization.

So, tonight I smoked my first two cigarettes in a very long while. Years, actually. And, surprisingly, it was good. It actually reminded me of my dad a lot [they were the same brand that he smoked...] and it made me both miss him and feel content with the situation at the same time, which is a rather peculiar predicament. It really made me think back to a couple different situations. Including his funeral and a little poem one of my aunts put up entitled "Pocket Full Of Sunshine." I remember, at the funeral, my sister and I laughing about that because there was never any sunshine in his pockets but there were cigarette butts, lint, and oftentimes screws. Hahaha, the life of a painter :) 


I also had a chat with a good friend. I re-realized tonight that I hold a lot back. I think it stems from a couple different things : first, I tend to listen to people more than I talk because I think their lives are a lot more interesting. second, I listen more because I learn more about others and I enjoy getting to know people. third, I listen because I am not talented at saying what I want to say and allowing it to come out in a concise fashion. fourth, i just don't think that what I have to say [most of the time] is something that will be impactful to other people. fifth, when it comes to conversations, unless I REALLY feel the need to say something, I might start to say something, get interrupted, then never say what I intended to say. Lastly, I always feel like my "problems" are a lot less important that other people's problems and therefore would rather the people I'm with talk and I just listen as they might need more imput than I...


I am reminded that I tend to keep myself closed off emotionally, though I'm not sure where that stemmed from. For some reason I have a desire to not be vulnerable with people - and a lot of times it sucks. There are times when I do have the desire to be vulnerable, but won't bring it up myself. During these times i pray to God that he will have the person that i am talking with ask me about things, things that would cause me to have to become vulnerable. IF that happens and the person I'm talking with does ask me about these sensitive issues, I brush them off and I never EVER talk about them. Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself because of that, but I still can't find it within my self to change that part of me. 


I know that I compartmentalize things. That is the reason why I have 6 different blogs. It's stupid, but that is a result of my inability to be vulnerable and let people see all of me. I don't know if this is me trying to portray someone I'm not or if it is just my attempts to put those walls up... Then I see this idea of not being vulnerable as me just being able to figure it out by myself [or with God's help]. That I can internalize and figure things out well enough on my own and therefore I don't really need to share what is going on in my life. I do this all the time! I recognize this, and often have the desire to change it, but when it comes down to it I just can't. That's laying it out on the table. I. Cannot. Change. This. By. Myself. I really believe that only God can do it. And maybe I'm just not ready for that. maybe it will come in time. maybe it will never come. I don't know. Perhaps i'll never know. 

To ask or not to ask [for more money]

So today marked the final day of babysitting in 4 days. I babysat Wednesday and Thursday for a Riley and yesterday I babysat, spent the night, and babysat today for two girls Camdynn & Brenna, and then, for the last 4 hours of that time, I also was watching Rena & Aliyah.

I am finding it to be difficult finding a balance between wanting to be graceful when it comes to money but also needing to be firm and ask for more, ask for my time's worth.

For example, babysitting for C&B I made $100. For 36 hours. This is a ridiculously low price. I appreciate the money, but am wondering if I should have asked for more money or not. I always feel bad about asking for more money, or if they ask me if that amount is enough and I say yes, it is enough, but should really ask for more to compensate me for my time, and I think it is because of the way I was raised where we didn't have a lot of extra money to pay people more. So, I'm in this dilemma of figuring out how to go about this money thing in a diplomatic and financially fair way. I think what i need to do is figure out rates and then tell those to people. For example, if I charge $12 an hour for 2 kids, or $10 an hour for 1, I also need to figure out this overnight thing. When do I stop charging an hourly rate and charge a flat "kids are sleeping rate"...

I need to set these things into place now so that i just have them to hand out... but I don't want my rates to stop people from using me as a babysitter... ah, dilemma's dilemma's!

For now I will just feel the situations out and see how it goes from there...

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = +2

You know how people just make New Years Resolutions without really thinking about the long term - my hope is that I don't do that. I want to think about long term ramifications of these things I call resolutions. One of those goals and LTR's is to blog twice a week. Hopefully these blogs are comical anecdotes or lessons that I've been learning, and not just something that i post for the sake of posting.

I want to be able to see how I have progressed in life over the course of a year. Where I go, what I do, things I learn, ups and downs, all of these things are important in my life. I would like to become a little more vulnerable though these postings, and not compartmentalize my life into 6 or 7 different blogs.

This posting will be anecdotal.

Something else happened on the way to Wyoming. I thought I would have learned better, growing up in Michigan where the road can sometimes be icy and all. We were driving through Wyoming, nearly two hours after our gas incident. As I insinuated, the roads were becoming icy. There was a semi-truck flipped on its side in the median between the E & W two lane highway roads. It was about a mile after this when i hit a patch of ice and started to fish tail. Now, I'm not good when it comes to remembering things well, but I think we fishtailed to the right, and then the left, then the right again, and from there we drove right into the ditch. I don't know what would have happened if i hadn't over corrected the steering but it is what it is. We did go into the ditch but thankfully we drove into facing the right direction and in a diagonal manner into about a foot and a half of snow.

I think it took us about 30 minutes rocking it back and forth, turing the wheel a couple different ways, and really pushing that beast [during which I feel on my knees about 4 times :)] when we got it out. I was thankful for a few things during that time. first: we didn't flip. This thought didn't cross my mind until later, but the washer and dryer in the truck bed, along with the way we fishtailed a couple of times mixed with the way the shoulder led down into the median in a gentle way, [along with GOD's provision] caused us to be okay and not have any fear of flipping. second: no cops stopped along the way [which would have meant another fricking ticket...]. third: we were able to get the truck out of the snow! [after we prayed for the strength to be able to push it out :)]. fourth: it made for an unforgettable memory [(as quoted on my facebook status) "we did not lose the washer..."].

It was great to be able to not be stuck. I could not believe that no civilian stopped to help us. By this time it was about 5 am and there were people on the road. I would have thought that wyoming, with their old fashioned gas stations, would have old fashioned people who would stop and help push a stuck truck out of the ditch. Apparently I was wrong...

So, that was the last of the wyoming adventures. It's sad that there were only two of them :( But the two that we had were great and will leave long lasting memories and laughs between Michelle and I. :)

On that note, another of my resolutions [that i may have just made up, nullifying my entire first papragraph regarding the LTR's] is to go to bed at a decent hour that reflects my next days activities. So far, I am failing tonight. It's already 1:03 and i have to babysit at 8:30 which means I have to get up at 7:55. :o) That means I have just under 7 hours of sleep ahead of me.

I need to look for a car... one that is around $1500 and runs well that i won't need to put any money into maintenance for a while... yeesh.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart

~ama

Contentment vs. happiness

Sometimes I have a wave of disenchantment. A disenchantment that I will ever be happy. This is different than being joyous - I am most often full of joy because joy is not based on my circumstances - it is based on my creator, the one I love, who loves me back with a love that can never be taken away.

Happiness, however, is based on contentment is completely based on my circumstances. This happiness is based on my friends, time spent with those I consider friends, not having a job, not having a ton of fun things to do, not having my own car, on and on and on and on...

Sometimes when I am not happy, it settles in my stomach and reminds me of all those things that I don't have or that I'm not taking advantage of. It's always something I tell you.

Sometimes I'm happy when I spend time with myself, other times I CRAVE spending time with other people. I get discouraged when I am want to spend time with people and no one is around to do so. It really pisses me off, actually. I have that personality that when i want to be "introverted" I am absolutely find being such, but when I am forced to be introverted, I cannot stand it. Not at all. Today is one of those days where I'm fining myself being forced to be introverted. I am probably making a part of this up, but I have that feeling in my stomach that crawls up my back and makes me shiver... It's that pit-like feeling that causes me to verge on anger.

Oyevey.

So, happiness, I just need to stop depending on you. There is no reason you need to decide what I do or why I do it. There is nothing good about you. happiness and feelings are no use to me. It's about finding my contentment in Jesus who is my real reason for doing what I do... Though why is this such a hard thing to do? Why does this tend to be SO difficult?!

I just have to remind myself daily not to become dependent on the situations that I stumble into. I have to remind myself that regardless of my circumstances, I am who I am by the grace of God. I am still learning who I am becoming and am finding my way in this thing I call life.