Life and adventures in Denver

Tumblr

2011-01-02T17:18:00.001-07:00

I still blog!

But you have to go here ::

ama80205.tumblr.com

<3

Ever Changing...

2010-10-28T00:36:00.000-06:00

“Sometimes you gotta lose ‘til you win. It’s alright, it’s alright it’s alright…. It’ll be alright again. I’m okay. I’m okay, it’ll be alright again”

Sugarland’s new album is great. SO many good songs! And songs that I feel relate to my life at this exact point in time. I love that feeling of others knowing what I’m going through and that I’m not alone in my emotions or predicaments. :)

The reason I put the quote at the beginning is that I feel that I keep losing when it comes to a Social Work job. I just don’t understand why I can’t find one. Is my resume/cover letter crap? Do organizations think I don’t have enough experience, are there just that many more qualified people applying? I’m becoming unsure if I’m supposed to be in social work or not… Should I go to grad school? Will that allow me to get a social work position or will that still not be enough? I’ve thought about opening a daycare lately. There are so many things I would need to get together in order to see that happen: A new place to live, capital to get toys and diapers and child-proofing measures, rent money, a guarantee that people would utilize me, etc. And licensing, but that would be the least of my worries. It’s only $50 and I’m sure I would pass anything they could throw at me :) But, even then, I still have the worry: is this what I’m supposed to be doing? It’s an annoying worry to have because there is no way for me to know.

I “quit” my overnight (ON) nanny job this week. I write quit like that because it’s not really over yet, but I believe that Saturday night should be my last night. It was tough: Deciding to quit and quitting. Thinking about quitting really put into perspective just how dear I hold to expendable income. I’ve had a few nervous moments over it. But, at the same time, it makes my life so much less complicated! Not necessarily the lack of money part, because that will throw a kink into a lot of my plans, but definitely the time and scheduling of my time. I have my nights free! I haven’t known what consecutive-nights-to-myself look like since the beginning of August. And let me tell you, it’s rather freeing. I feel like I’m not just running from place to place to place and back again. This week’s been a bit of a doozy in that I haven’t nannyed a lot because Erin has had to be at school at 6 am all this week and she has a friend who needed to pick up some extra cash, so she let her pick up the early morning shifts. Let me tell you, I’m definitely NOT complaining as it’s a nice change to be able to sleep in until 9:30/10. I’m so thankful that God allowed me to have this week to rest and recuperate, especially since Adam was here last week and I was SO ridiculously busy. God definitely knows what we need when we need it and I am so grateful for that.

Because of quitting, I’m getting back to the mindset that God is my provider. I never really lost that thought, but it definitely went on the back burner while I was making “lots” of money. Having a FT job where I made $1600 a month, on top of the $800 or so from the PT job, I felt like I was living on top. Of course, living on top didn’t necessarily mean budgeting the best. But, I feel like, for the last 2 months I budgeted better than I ever have my entire life. However, I know that next time I budget, I need to be stricter on my guidelines. Like, making a set amount of how much I’d be saving a month for food & going out instead of just replacing it every time I got money. That’s one thing I learned during my budgeting stretch… I also need to remember that I need to budget the money that I get now even more. Going from my old income to 1/3 of it is going to be a difficult adjustment, but one that I think I can make work. Obviously I will NEED to make it work, but I’m not worried too much about that as I know God is providing for me and it’s not a big deal to get less of an income. I am also looking for other jobs… PT would be great, ON would be great, especially if this ON is a sleep position… We’ll see what God has in-store.

In regards to budgeting, I need to make sure that I have enough money for Nov, Dec, & Jan rent. This may be a little tricky since Erin doesn’t have much schooling during the month of December. I’ll need to be extra budgeting-wise during November. Because of this new change in my life, I don’t think I’ll be going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. At least, that’s what it looks like at this point. I never know what things God will do, but in my heart and mind, this is what I’m planning. That means that this will be the second year in a row that I will miss the “family aspect” of these special occasions. Last year I also missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, sister and brother. It was very different. I had the hardest time with Christmas because I didn’t know what I was going to be doing. And I didn’t really get any Christmas gifts. Now, yes, the reason for the season is not the gifts and yes, I had not gotten much the past 2 Christmases before but it’s different the first time you’re not with your family, ya know. Its different when you’re butting in on other people’s celebrations. I just felt… lost. Yes, I think that would be the proper word. It was sad and disheartening and I’m still not looking forward to that this year, but I definitely think it will be less bothersome. I’ll tell ya, though; I can’t wait to have a family of my own and to make my own traditions and excitements. :)

One of my goals in this season of having one job is to get into the Word more and to seek God on a much deeper basis. I also want to get into reading books that stimulate my mind and help me to search for that deeper connection. These books can be overtly spiritual or not at all. I’m just planning on finding God in everything I read and in all that I do. It’s comforting to know that he will never leave me nor forsake me; that he is always near to me and has given ear to my requests, that He lets MY prayers come before Him. He makes strong my heart and brings comfort when I am weak and troubled. So, in this time of spare time, I strive to use it, not just for idle things, for sleeping or watching tv or playing games, but to first and foremost find Him and love Him; because He FIRST loved me. I want to find Him in my quiet time, in my fellowship time, in my babysitting time, in my resting time, in my daily nannying time, in my cooking time, in my music-listening time, all the time, every time. That’s my prayer: that when I seek Him I will indeed find Him.

God,
I’m asking that in this time, I would ask you for things and that you would give them to me. Not things that further me or bring me glory, but those things that remind me of whom you are and that show others of your mercy and power. You tell me that if I seek I will in turn find. I’m asking that while trying to seek you out that You would come to me. You would show me who You are in ways that I never imagined. I thank You that the ability to ask and seek and knock was given to me through the sacrifice of Your own son. That He died on the cross in order to bridge the gap that was between You and I. That I can have communion and fellowship with You as if You were right here next to me physically. Lord, I don’t know which doors I will be knocking on in this season of my life, but I thank You that You have gone before me to ready them. Lord, You are GOOD and your MERCY goes on forever.

God, I thank you for your infinite wisdom and your divine placement of Robin in my life at the bus stop on Sunday. Your providence amazes me. I’m so blessed to know that you hear our prayers that they rise up into your ears. You heard her prayers and gave thought to her when she was down to her last ounce of strength. She was troubled by an abusive partner, one who beat her and kept her from others, determining how she was to live. He was cruel to her in many ways. Robin was deeply wounded and was scared for her life, with deep fear she was covered saying: “if only I had wings like a dove! For then I would go in flight from here and be at rest”. Lord, you gave her wings and allowed her to get out from her situation. You gave her the strength and determination to leave, to end the vicious cycle that had been going on for a long time. I pray you continue to guide Robin, Father. Bring her to a place of restoration and peace. I pray against her friends and family speaking evil to her saying “it’s your fault” or “you deserved it”. Give her a sanctuary and remind her that it’s not her fault. I praise you for newness in her life, for a new start. Remind her of her past life, God, as we can’t know where were going if we don’t know where we’ve been. Be her savior, God. I thank you and praise you for taking her soul away from the attack and for giving her peace. Please remind me on a daily basis that you will be my support if I bring my cares to you. You won’t let me be moved, God. Bring opportunities for growth in Robin’s life, for job skills and a way to earn a living; to become self-sufficient but completely dependent on you. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

ps, I often update my other blog more often than this...

ama80205.tumblr.com

This will also be located there... :)

Change is changing

2010-09-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

So, I blogged early [and just posted today] about losing my job as a nanny. I got it back a few days after I wrote that. She texted me and said that her friend was starting a new job and she wanted to know if I, or anyone I knew, was looking for an overnight nanny job. I, of course, JUMPED on that chance. Money is money. I feel like I've done a good job not letting anger or past feelings get in the way.

I've been nannying for them for just about three weeks now. The pay went down a little, but that's completely okay. It's still more than enough to get by on.

Getting the nanny job back gave me the ability and confidence to know that when I had to move, I would be able to. It's funny how God gives and takes away to reinforce that he is my provider and nothing else. I will say that I do get frustrated with Him at times, it's annoying to have to live like this... nervous about living stuff and the like...

Speaking of moving, move I did. I found this cute little place [on Craigslist with a few roommates] that I looked at Monday the 30th, declared that I wanted to move there on the 30th, and moved everything in the next day [the day I had to be out of my apt.]. I'm living in a house on 33rd & Adams. This is located near two bus stops, and many Providence people. I can take the bus straight to Prov, too! OH! AND I'm located a block and a half away from a fire department. I'm excited for that! :) Helllllllooooo, manly men!

There was some drama in the housing/moving department, but I will refrain from any details. It was stupid, though, but it's now resolved. At least in one regard... [cryptic, I know!]

So, now, i am moved into this place [i will be looking for something new come April, then moving for Grad school in August [another 4 month pattern...blah]. Perhaps I will move to GS sooner than later. I'm still debating on which grad school to go to. I'm looking at [for the moment] a place in Seattle and Connecticut. I really want to be by the water again. And to move somewhere new. I want this exciting change. I'm also sorting through a few different places, too, to see if they're somewhere I would like to go.

Life is settling down a little at this moment, for which I am thankful. I still have to finish unpacking, which I'm trying to put off as long as possible, honestly. Haha. That's so bad! I have no motivation or self-determination to do so. I'm incorrigible, truthfully.

I'm leaving in a few minutes to an eventful night. A Taste Of Colorado, a BBQ, and a Bonfire all in one night. I'm OH SO EXCITED!

My monthly blog

2010-08-10T19:18:00.002-06:00

: ) So, apparently I subconsciously blog about once a month if I'm lucky.
Oh life and my inability to be consistent... : )

Life: CRAZY!
God: AMAZING & ANNOYING.
Work: FINALLY!
Money: BARELY?
Family: GREAT.
Spiritually: MEDIOCRE.
Friends: PLENTIFUL

So, the month of July had it's ups and downs, goods and bads, lessons and learnings.

I lost my job as a nanny. She gave it away to her friend who needed to make some quick cash. That was a bummer. It made me kind of mad, honestly. It was rude and inconsiderate.

Adventures in sickland

2010-06-20T21:17:00.000-06:00

This week, I got sick.
It started out Saturday night into Sunday morning. I woke up with a fever, earache, & a headache.
Let me tell you. Neither were too fun.
I went to church Sunday morning and wound up leaving a little early.
I went to walmart, bought some ibuprofen, cough drops & a thermometer.
All three things helped a lot.
But I still didn't get better. I began to get a sore throat, a cough, phlegm, etc.
So, I didn't babysit for small group. and I didn't go into work.
I had trouble sleeping. Honestly, I'm not sure how much I slept at all this past week.

The same thing went on Monday/Monday night. I didn't go into work.
I didn't work at all this past week. From Sunday night until Saturday night.
That was a bummer. A big bummer.

Tuesday I went to Urgent Care. I had to do something about feeling like crap.
So, $142 later, I was diagnosed with what I already knew - strep throat - and was started my anti-biotics. I got progressively better from there and now, the only remnant I have is some medication and a bit of a cough.

I didn't eat very much this week - had a bit of trouble keeping some foods down. But I did eat broth, some noodles, and a lot of grapes.

Thursday I went linedancing. It was a bit of a stretch, but i needed to get out and about. It was good for me, to exert myself. Friday I went out with friends. but didn't keep down what I ate - that was a little gross. I didn't like that at all.

I finally went back to work yesterday! I was so thankful for that! A week without income - just expenditures, one BIG expenditure!!

But here I am - feeling better and making money.

Life is so different now!

2010-05-12T17:59:00.000-06:00

Hi there :)

I realized that I never posted updates...

I am living at Seabrooke's. It is good. Kelly is good.

I have a job! I am a nanny doing overnights with a 4 month old baby boy named Rafi. He doesn't sleep though the night yet, so I am staying with him and waking up to feed and change him. It's a good job, and I really enjoy it. However, it is only until he starts sleeping through the night [his older brother who is now 2 didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 10 months... I'm hoping this is a similar situation ;) ]

I started April 17 and was able to afford rent for May here at the house.
It's awesome to be able to live on my own! And by that I mean with Kelly. :)
It's great to be able to afford all the things I need and to be able to help people out with money... :) I can buy groceries, pay my bills, afford rent, and spend money to help others out when they need it. It's fantastic!

Updates...

2010-04-07T02:09:00.000-06:00

I have this thing where I begin to write a blog entry and then I don't have the pahzazz to finish it so it sits in my blog as a draft.

I realize that it's been a while since I've posted a real, true to life, entry. So, without further ado, here goes:

.:| In a few more than 20 days, the plan is to leave the McCall's and go somewhere - possibly Seabrooke's house to live for the majority of the summer.
.:|At this point, I don't have a job, other than babysitting, which allows me to pay my bills and have a little extra left over for spending. Nor do I have any money saved up to be able to pay for rent at Seabrooke's.

.:|I posted an ad on Craigslist advertising myself as a nanny for the near future and beyond. I came home tonight to see a response from a lady asking me when I could start.
.:|I just emailed her back letting her know that I can start immediately and asking her about her family and what she is looking for in her nanny, along with a few other questions. At this point, I am not assuming that I will get this job, rather I am assuming that it is a scam and that I won't get it and so on and so forth. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not being overtly pessimistic, I am just being a realist and knowing that I can't just assume that it is going to work out.
.:|I do, however, know that God has a plan for me and that I can rely on Him and trust in the fact that He loves me and knows what I need when I need it. He is my provider, not anything else, and I relish in the knowledge that He can never let me down.
.:|So, at this point, it's a wait and see game. I made the first move, she responded, and then I made the third move. We'll see how it pans out from here...

.:|A goal that I have, dependent on whether I get this nanny job or another job for that matter, for this summer is to save up enough money to get a vehicle. I would love to be able to get something fairly new, so that I don't have to worry about fixing it up a whole lot, but I'll really take anything...

.:|I am attempting to learn spanish, though it's not coming along so well. Kelsey and I are going to use Rosetta Stone software to try and get better at it. It's a goal of mine to learn the spanish language and to be able to interact with people of Hispanic culture.

.:|Providence is so bueno. I am still involved in a community group and am enjoying getting to know God better and also getting to know the people there better. I am involved in a few give ministries through Prov. including nursery, refreshments, greeting, and an overview of the give ministries. I start a new position with the nursery this month and that is a teaching role. That just means that I will be giving the lessons to the kiddos ages 3+ once a month. I'm excited about this new role!
.:|Regarding the refreshments, that just means that I set up the bagels in the back once or twice a month. Greeting means I stand outside welcoming people to Providence and giving them bulletins with a smile and a hug.
.:|The overview of the give ministries means that I am calling certain members of the church and making sure that they are involved with a give ministry themselves.

.:|I am continuing to look into going to Haiti for a missions trip this summer, though I'm not so sure it is going to work out. I would love to go, but whatever happens will happen. A lot will depend on fundraising - though i haven't sent out flyers about that yet : ( If I do not get to go, it will be okay. I know that there are many able bodied persons who will go and do great things there!

.:|I have somethings to think about regarding housing situations in the later future. For instance, I'm not sure how the whole Seabrooke thing is going to work out past the summer months. It's something that God is working on and in and it will be resolved when it needs to be resolved...

.:|Other wise, life is going well. It's keeping me on my toes and providing me with plenty of life changing experiences. My trust in the Lord grows stronger daily, as I wait on Him to provide me with what I need. I know that in the end He will get all the glory! He deserves it and I trust in Him and what He is doing in and through my life.

2010-04-02T13:24:00.003-06:00

Today is April 2nd.
In less than one month I will be moving out of the McCall's and, like usual, I have NO idea what is going to happen after that.

I still don't have a "real job" as my mother would like to call it, and as of right now my income from babysitting isn't enough to be able to move into Seabrooke's house and pay for everything that would be needed, including rent, utilities, groceries, a bus pass, etc. So I'm finding myself between a rock and a hard place. I relish in the day when I won't be worried about money because I'll have a job.

Today I am going to T.J. Maxx to see if they are hiring still. I should have done this a week or two ago but I did not.

I've been kept busy with babysitting this week.
4 different families in three days. A total of $231 this week from babysitting. and that doesn't include babysitting tonight and possibly tomorrow morning.

I enjoy weeks like this :) Between being busy babysitting, spending time with friends, sleeping, eating, line-dancing, and being entertained, it's a good week. I have the ability to see two different concerts tonight, though not sure if I'll be able to do both or not, helping out with an egg hunt tomorrow, spending the night at Tabetha's tomorrow, going to the easter sunrise service at Red Rocks, then going to Providence, then going over to Josh & Holly's for easter lunch/dinner and getting to meet new people [I hope!].

Life is good, and God is greater than I'll ever know, but gives me what I need and desire.

Everyone's Irish in Denver [on march 17!]

2010-03-16T15:01:00.001-06:00

St. Patty's Day.
I enjoy you :)
I would enjoy your more if I were able to be in Chicago and see the green river.
But I'll still enjoy you tomorrow in Denver.

Things I am planning on doing [especially since I don't have job right now :D]:

going to a job interview - at the United Way as a 2-1-1 Resource Specialist! Praying it comes through as it's something I would LOVE to do!
visiting the Celtic Tavern - one of my new favorite spots : ) http://denver.metromix.com/restaurants/essay_photo_gallery/reservations-please-celtic-tavern/1747511/content
visiting the Fado Irish Pub - c'mon, what's more fun than an irish pub on st. patty's day?!
Biking it up
Wearing green!
Hanging around downtown and visiting people.
Going to community group
Going out [somewhere] for in celebration of St. Patrick and Kelsey's birthday :D

it's gonna be a good day and night!

Buses

2010-03-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really beginning to enjoy taking the bus system. While it means that i have to be more proactive about where I want to go and that sort of thing, I like being able to just sit and relax. Well, at least relaxing until the last 10 minutes or so of the bus ride because I don't want to miss my stop... eeesh. :)

I'm taking the bus today to babysit later tonight. I don't start babysitting until 6:40 but I have to start walking to the bus stop by 5:10. Not only is this good exercise, I have the chance to see more of life in these parts and even possibly get to know people. Plus the idea of not spending money on gasoline is a great bonus.

[note that I would have taken the bus if I were going to babysit - one of the boys is sick :( ]

I do enjoy riding them, though. Since i don't have to babysit i will probably stay home tonight since I was out alll week. :)

Changes

2010-03-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just rearranged the room that I am staying in.
You see, I am a snorer. It's something that I ask God to take away every night. True story.
But, apparently, out of all of the genes I could have got from my mother, I was destined to snore like her.
This is not the kind of snore that's cute and quiet. Oh no.
My snore is rather loud and obnoxious.
This is one of the reasons Dani was so excited that I was not going to be her roommate anymore.
My snores would wake her up in the middle of the night and she would have to yell my name to get me to stop snoring. Too bad for her my snoring is one that may subside for a few minutes but it will start back up eventually.
I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I sleep on my back with my mouth open.
But really, anyway that I sleep - on the side, on my back or on my stomach, I always find the ability to snore.

So, I say all of that to preface why I re-arranged my room. I now will sleep facing the outside wall, and hopefully my snores will at least seem quieter when people are passing by my room.
I think I am just being naive, I don't really think it will work, but it is sure worth a try.

Life is also ever changing.
I am praying the the change is going to be drastic.
Like getting a job! I had an interview the other day.
It seems as though it went well. They asked me about which shifts I would rather work.
I asked them which they needed more.
The lady said "I think that because of your experience you would be an asset to the 5 nights/week shift"
So I'm really praying and hoping that because of that, I will be hired on.

My official move-out date from the McCall's is May 1st.
I really need God to move in great ways in order to see this happen!
The job is definitely the first thing.
Once I have the job, I will need to save money and look for housing.
Depending on where I find an apartment at, I can just ride the bus to and from where I need to go...
I don't mind riding the bus, actually, I rather enjoy it. Gives me a lot of quiet reflective time.
There is going to be a lot of stuff going on in the next few months and I am so excited for it all to start unfolding!

Year 23

2010-02-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw a fox! It was an adult fox, on the corner of Dover&52nd. I stopped my truck for about 30 seconds taking in it's glory. :) It made me want to watch the Fox and the Hound. I <3 that movie. That's all about the fox.

Today I bought my packzi's and they were delicious. I didn't stop to think of what I was doing, and I ordered a dozen of them, half glazed, half powder-sugared. I had 1.5 and gave the rest away. I also bought some pierogie's and they are delicious as well. I bought two ziplock bags of them, one is filled with a potato and cheese mixture, the other with a cabbage/mushroom mixture. They are delicious! Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! I tried one of each of them for lunch. I'm going to try and save them for when Ana comes here, but that may be hard to do...So, if worse comes to worst, we'll just go and buy some more.

I babysat today, as well. I got up early to make sure I got my packzi's and then went right after that to babysit. I was there from 8:45-6:20 this afternoon. It was a good day, a long day, but very much delightful. I got to watch 4 of the cutest little girls and had a blast. I can't wait for when it gets warmer so that when I babysit I can take the kiddos outside to play. Annnd, the money from this was good too, which makes it super nice!

I will soon be accomplishing another of my previous mentioned goals this week: go line dancing. A group of friends and I are going to go to the Grizzly Rose Thursday night (which happens to be ladies night) and just have a good 'ole time. I am so happy about this; I've been in Denver a year and still haven't gone line dancing. That is quite unacceptable... Now it will change. I would love to go at least once a month. At least. I'm hoping to meet some new people while I'm there. I've really been craving ways to meet other people, who can bring some fun adventures into my life.

I really want this month to be the beginning of new life for me. To have this 23rd year be a year of adventure and excitement means a lot to me. I'm tired of living a boring life. I'm also tired of being the typical american who knows only one language and only cares about herself. I am striving to be a lover of people, a friend to those who want it, and a person who has more that just my self-interest in mind. Year 23 is going to be one of radical love accompanied by change within.

Future Decisions

2010-02-13T01:46:00.000-07:00

I have a BIG decision to make in the coming weeks/months.
My mom really wants me to come home and live with her again, at least for a few months.
She is having some housing troubles and feels that having a "dependent" living there again will lessen some of the brunt (though I'm not entirely sure how).
She informed me today that there is a lien on the house because of a truck that her and my dad bought ten years ago (which was repo'd because they couldn't pay for it).
The lien is for $15,000.

So, I have to decide if I can go back there and live with her for a few months.
3-6 months, to be approximate.
I'm praying about this decision.
But, I know that if I go back I am going to be miserable.
For as much as my mom wants me back, she knows that we don't get along regarding anything.
We fight and argue all the time - nothing I do is ever good enough.
She makes stupid decisions and is too negative for me to understand or enjoy.

She misses having people around - it's only her in the house now.
She has a crappy dating life - she's never happy by herself and always needs to be in a relationship.
That is also the cause of strife among us...

I also do not miss my real hometown of Bangor.
I was just talking to my sister about how if I never lived there again I would be more than happy.
I see the life that some of the people I graduated with have there and it's not something that I desire.
I don't have a church home back there, and I would miss Providence sooooooooooooo much.

I'm a little upset that my mom wants me to leave my life and who I'm becoming to go back there, because she wouldn't do that for me.
I would have to put my life, as I know it, on hold.
And find a job somewhere around there.
I don't really have anyone I would call "friend" living there...
It's not at all something I want to go back to.

In the pit of my stomach I am dreading having to pray about this and decide what to do.
I'm scared I'm going to be like Jonah and have to go back to my version Ninevah.
But, as much as I have no desire to go back, I know I have to listen to God's voice in this situation.
I have to pray about it and see what he says and follow Him in it.

Goals & Aspirations

2010-02-13T01:34:00.004-07:00

So, I am making a list of somethings I want to do in the near future and also the far future.

Some might call it a bucket list, others a "wish" list... Call it what you will, this is my to do list that encompasses the future - whatever it may be. tall aspirations, simple pleasures, you name it, it's there.

So, here goes...

But seriously, it's small right now.

~ Go line dancing (went 2/18)

~ Learn spanish

~ See Blackhawk in concert @ The Grizzly Rose

~ Talk to 5 friends a week that I've not in a while on FB

~ fly Ana here for her SB weekend

~ find a paczki bakery by Tuesday (Succeeded! 2/16)

~ Spend more time in the Word

~ Start scrapbooking

~ Go home Feb 25-28 (bought plane ticket! 2/14)

~ Be a bartender

~ Visit all 50 states

~ Get more tattoos

~ Own a vehicle

~ Go on a cruise

~ Go on at least 1 road trip a year

~ Meet the love of my life

~ Get married on the beach

~ See the northern lights

~ Go stargazing with people I love

~ own a hammock

~ Go to 27 other countries (1 down)
~ Go tornado chasing
~ make a wind chime
~ Visit Poland
~ own a unique ceiling fan
~ visit a castle
~ Go on tour with a band!

a host of others will be added to this which will become my official list where things are added and checked off : )

Blessings & Thankfulness

2010-02-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

So, looking back on my postings, I feel that I am portraying the wrong impression of myself or, at least, it's not the full picture of life for me.

I am blessed beyond all measure.
Life isn't keeping me down, it's me keeping life down.
Muting the fact that I have many options everyday.

There are so many things that I count as blessings that I am thankful for daily.

My God who loves me and forgives me all the time
Faith
a FANTASTIC church body at Providence Bible church
Jesus & The Resurrection
Friends who are living all over the world teaching youngsters
Prayer
Family back home
SAU
Family I've been adopted into here in Colorado
Health that is decent right now
LOVE
The internet that helps keep me connected with friends and family
Being able to pay my bills
Awesome friends I've made
People helping others
The weather in Colorado
Where I've been
Family Life Vineyard Church
A place to live
A vehicle to drive when I need
Fall Foliage
Babysitting jobs that are handed to me
A steady income of money
Music
People who care about my well being
Ana
Friends and family who are praying for me on a consistent basis
Learning life lessons
A great community group!
Road trips
DRM
My God who restores me on a daily basis
Pops
Sunsets & Sunrises!
The ability to read and write
A college education
Aunt Mary
Sunshine!
Crafts
Michigan
The Lake
my brothers - Adam & Andrew
Worship
Candles
Hot Cocoa
Playgrounds
Children
Sleeping
Trees
JOY
Creation's beauty
Randy & Sheryl McCall
Pets

traversing towards destinations

2010-02-09T01:56:00.000-07:00

I read a quote today that was really impactful:
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain" -Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, page 100.

As of late, I've been thinking about my life and my desire to "have more fun" or make it more "worthwhile". After thinking on what I mean by these two phrases, I realize that life is what I make out of it. It's like making strawberry lemonade out of lemonade and strawberry Stoli rather than lemonade and actual strawberries. I would be bummed if I had to make it the natural way. Stoli makes it much more delicious, you know. But, I need to learn that just because I don't have the Stoli doesn't mean that I can't make strawberry lemonade at all, I just need to make it with the ingredients that i have.

How often is it that life is more like an episode of Chopped -which for those of you who do not know, it's a Food Network show in which 4 chefs compete for a prize of $10,000. The whole premise is that they receive a basket of 3-4 foods out of which they have to make either an appetizer, a main course, or a dessert. None of the chefs know what these ingredients are until the time is on the clock and they have to race to make the food. These ingredients are obscure and always interesting. For a main course there could be duck breast, green onions, honey and ginger which, unless you are a good chef and can run with what you're given, it becomes quite difficult to make something that.- The same is true of life. we are thrown into these random situations and unless we have a good attitude about them and learn to ride with the current instead of struggling against it, we will not do well.

I keep thinking - oh, when I get a car life is going to be better; when I have my own place I'll have lots of people who will come over and hang out, etc, etc, etc. The truth is, life is right here right now.

Souza wrote:

for a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin.

but something always got in the way.

at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

this perspective has helped me to see that happiness is a journey, not a destination :)

And it's so true! I can keep putting my life off until I've gotten it 'right' but I will never, ever, have it right. Nothing is ever going to be perfect or complete or just how I want it. Something is always going to get screwed up or screwed over but I have to realize that I need to make the best out of it. God is good - he provides for me all that I need. I am never alone, never forsaken. He has never left me.

As an old college friend wrote

:: I have never been let down by my Savior.
:: I have loved every step of my journey thus far.
:: I am not God, and so thankful for that!
:: God knows what is coming, and I do not need to know.
:: I am seeking Jesus, and in that, He will deal with my mind and heart each step of the way.
:: I choose Faith and Trust through this all.

I was convicted at church on Sunday. The sermon was entitled "Personal Transformation, City Transformation" One of the phrases that stuck out to me the most was "Jesus wanted disciples, not admirers..." and how often is it that I am more the admirer that the disciple. To admire is to regard with wonder, pleasure or approval. to like or desire. A disciple is one who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another. I often find it easy to watch someone with pleasure and I definitely admire Christ, but I can say that while I embrace Christ's teachings, I often in no way assist with spreading these teachings. Sure, I keep His teachings in my head and in my heart, but am not usually vocal with them, at least not with people other than with whom I attend church.

What happened to being in the world but not of it. I find that I more identify with being of the world rather than just living in it. Where does my allegiance lie? By my deeds and words, it's here rather than passing through to Heaven. To tie this all back together, it's not going to be until I get it in my heart that I am not destined for what life offers here in the present world but rather for the future world with Christ, I am never going to find that happiness that I so desire. I will find glimpses of it, but never will I be completely satisfied.

This is my temporary home. It's not where i belong. windows and rooms that I'm passing through.

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going. This is my temporary home.

Hermitcy & Motives

2010-02-05T01:34:00.001-07:00

So recently I've been a bit of a hermit.
I find it's not that difficult to master, though it does discourage me sometimes.
While I know that a lot of the things that are going through my head aren't true, I still tend to give them way too much of my though process. There are a lot of lies roaming around unchecked in this brain and heart of mine, and I need to learn to tune them out and not give them any though at all. But that is a hard lesson to learn, and I find myself bending to these lies.

I think that the main lie inside of me right now is that I could disappear and no one would really know. I know that that is a complete fallacy and that there are plenty of people that would notice and whom would care. But I find that the more I hermit, and the more that I'm not getting involved with the people around me the more I being to believe this idea.

One thing has really been bugging me as of late, and I guess it also goes along with this theme of hermitcy & "invisibility", if you will. It's this whole thing about not having "real" friends. And, to understand this line of though, I suppose I have to identify what a "real" friend is to me. I feel that in my life I am always making acquaintances. I am very good at getting to know people to a certain extent, of getting along with them and making them feel at ease when I am around them.

Because I am a very closed off person I find that it's easy to be surface level, and maybe even a little deeper but there is no one that I am fully myself with. There are things that no one knows about me and that makes me a little sad. I'm really good at listening to others and giving them advice or helping to give them the ability to figure things out for themselves, but I'm terrible at opening up to others. I honestly don't think there is one time that I have let everything that is inside of me out. And I'm not really talking about deep, dark patches of my life, but just in general. I always tell myself that I'm good at internalizing things and figuring them out for myself, and this is mostly true, but once I would just like someone to really push me about life and not let me take an out.

Because I am who I am, I get frustrated by the fact that people don't ask about me as much as I ask about them. Actually, it's not so much that they don't ask, it's that they don't push me to open up. I can say, "Life is good," or "I'm fine" but no one asks me what "fine" means. But the honest truth is I probably wouldn't open up anyway. I always do that. I thirst for people to ask about me but when they do I still brush it off and say I'm fine. I think that I put up those walls because I'm waiting for those people, those "friends", who will huff and puff and blow them down. Like the big bad wolf in the three little pigs.

And I hate that I've been this way my whole life. In so many aspects.

I've been wondering about my motives lately. After some talks, and contemplating the behavior of others, I wonder how much like them I am. What are the motives behind my actions. Do I tend to do things where I will get something out of them, or am I mostly self-less in my actions. Looking back and seeing what I do for others, and thinking about them with un-biased thoughts, I do think that for the most part, even if something doesn't benefit me I still try to help others out. Obviously, there are sometimes when this is not the case, but I do believe with my heart that this is not true with the majority of my underlying motives. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence entitled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" and it's really made me stop and think about the motives behind my motives behind my actions. The lyrics to this song are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back

wants to shake your hand

when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up

and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end

This ain't where the bandwagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

(yeah, yeah)

You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

(Well man, I've been there)

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there

Oooh yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about the actions of others, of those who I would call acquaintances, but who would perhaps call me friend. But I don't want to be that person who has the plank in my eye: "don't judge, so that you won't be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye;' and behold, the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." {Matthew 7:1-6; WEB}.

At this point, I am trying to figure out how big this beam is, and whether I can use tweezers to get it out, or if I need to go with the bigger guns. I see the actions of people and I think, "how selfish they are" or "how uncaring or thoughtless" and often times I think I am better than those who are around me, but I know that that isn't always true and there are times when I put myself first and others later. and vice versa. But I don't like when I attempt to put myself later, but it backfires and people think that I'm being selfish that way. I don't know that I can give any examples of that, but I'm sure it has happened.

And that is what it is...

Community & my responsibility...

2010-02-01T17:01:00.002-07:00

Today, after babysitting this morning, I got to spend sometime with Jess and we talked about a lot od different things. I was inspired today to become more involved in people's lives. Though not in a harsh and demanding way.

Henri Nouwen, in his book Gracias, wrote, "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, and greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presencve. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire is to be useful, to do something significant, is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings and conferences, that prevent me from walking the steets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause and not to feel that you are working directly for special progress. But, I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them but you truly love them” (p.147).

How often is it that I am doing these things? with people closest to me, I am surely doing these things, though I might be a little more "demanding" about it. But I can guarantee that with people who I don't know and who don't know me, and who, perhaps, are different than myself whether gender-wise, racially, sexually, spiritually, personality-wise, tempermanent-wise, etc. I am not seeking to find and build community. This really makes me stop and wonder about who it is that I am trying to be and how I might be different now than I once was.

Aside from that wondering, I now have to figure out how I am going to take this knowledge and apply it to my life in a fashion that befits this calling to love God and love others. This is not going to be an easy task, I can figure that out on my own... however difficult this is going to be, I need to remind myself the reason I am in this boat to begin with and I just really need to push myself to put my own motives and desires aside and to search out this journey.

Cigarettes & Compartmentalization.

2010-01-31T23:19:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I smoked my first two cigarettes in a very long while. Years, actually. And, surprisingly, it was good. It actually reminded me of my dad a lot [they were the same brand that he smoked...] and it made me both miss him and feel content with the situation at the same time, which is a rather peculiar predicament. It really made me think back to a couple different situations. Including his funeral and a little poem one of my aunts put up entitled "Pocket Full Of Sunshine." I remember, at the funeral, my sister and I laughing about that because there was never any sunshine in his pockets but there were cigarette butts, lint, and oftentimes screws. Hahaha, the life of a painter :)

I also had a chat with a good friend. I re-realized tonight that I hold a lot back. I think it stems from a couple different things : first, I tend to listen to people more than I talk because I think their lives are a lot more interesting. second, I listen more because I learn more about others and I enjoy getting to know people. third, I listen because I am not talented at saying what I want to say and allowing it to come out in a concise fashion. fourth, i just don't think that what I have to say [most of the time] is something that will be impactful to other people. fifth, when it comes to conversations, unless I REALLY feel the need to say something, I might start to say something, get interrupted, then never say what I intended to say. Lastly, I always feel like my "problems" are a lot less important that other people's problems and therefore would rather the people I'm with talk and I just listen as they might need more imput than I...

I am reminded that I tend to keep myself closed off emotionally, though I'm not sure where that stemmed from. For some reason I have a desire to not be vulnerable with people - and a lot of times it sucks. There are times when I do have the desire to be vulnerable, but won't bring it up myself. During these times i pray to God that he will have the person that i am talking with ask me about things, things that would cause me to have to become vulnerable. IF that happens and the person I'm talking with does ask me about these sensitive issues, I brush them off and I never EVER talk about them. Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself because of that, but I still can't find it within my self to change that part of me.

I know that I compartmentalize things. That is the reason why I have 6 different blogs. It's stupid, but that is a result of my inability to be vulnerable and let people see all of me. I don't know if this is me trying to portray someone I'm not or if it is just my attempts to put those walls up... Then I see this idea of not being vulnerable as me just being able to figure it out by myself [or with God's help]. That I can internalize and figure things out well enough on my own and therefore I don't really need to share what is going on in my life. I do this all the time! I recognize this, and often have the desire to change it, but when it comes down to it I just can't. That's laying it out on the table. I. Cannot. Change. This. By. Myself. I really believe that only God can do it. And maybe I'm just not ready for that. maybe it will come in time. maybe it will never come. I don't know. Perhaps i'll never know.

To ask or not to ask [for more money]

2010-01-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

So today marked the final day of babysitting in 4 days. I babysat Wednesday and Thursday for a Riley and yesterday I babysat, spent the night, and babysat today for two girls Camdynn & Brenna, and then, for the last 4 hours of that time, I also was watching Rena & Aliyah.

I am finding it to be difficult finding a balance between wanting to be graceful when it comes to money but also needing to be firm and ask for more, ask for my time's worth.

For example, babysitting for C&B I made $100. For 36 hours. This is a ridiculously low price. I appreciate the money, but am wondering if I should have asked for more money or not. I always feel bad about asking for more money, or if they ask me if that amount is enough and I say yes, it is enough, but should really ask for more to compensate me for my time, and I think it is because of the way I was raised where we didn't have a lot of extra money to pay people more. So, I'm in this dilemma of figuring out how to go about this money thing in a diplomatic and financially fair way. I think what i need to do is figure out rates and then tell those to people. For example, if I charge $12 an hour for 2 kids, or $10 an hour for 1, I also need to figure out this overnight thing. When do I stop charging an hourly rate and charge a flat "kids are sleeping rate"...

I need to set these things into place now so that i just have them to hand out... but I don't want my rates to stop people from using me as a babysitter... ah, dilemma's dilemma's!

For now I will just feel the situations out and see how it goes from there...

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = +2

2010-01-28T01:06:00.000-07:00

You know how people just make New Years Resolutions without really thinking about the long term - my hope is that I don't do that. I want to think about long term ramifications of these things I call resolutions. One of those goals and LTR's is to blog twice a week. Hopefully these blogs are comical anecdotes or lessons that I've been learning, and not just something that i post for the sake of posting.

I want to be able to see how I have progressed in life over the course of a year. Where I go, what I do, things I learn, ups and downs, all of these things are important in my life. I would like to become a little more vulnerable though these postings, and not compartmentalize my life into 6 or 7 different blogs.

This posting will be anecdotal.

Something else happened on the way to Wyoming. I thought I would have learned better, growing up in Michigan where the road can sometimes be icy and all. We were driving through Wyoming, nearly two hours after our gas incident. As I insinuated, the roads were becoming icy. There was a semi-truck flipped on its side in the median between the E & W two lane highway roads. It was about a mile after this when i hit a patch of ice and started to fish tail. Now, I'm not good when it comes to remembering things well, but I think we fishtailed to the right, and then the left, then the right again, and from there we drove right into the ditch. I don't know what would have happened if i hadn't over corrected the steering but it is what it is. We did go into the ditch but thankfully we drove into facing the right direction and in a diagonal manner into about a foot and a half of snow.

I think it took us about 30 minutes rocking it back and forth, turing the wheel a couple different ways, and really pushing that beast [during which I feel on my knees about 4 times :)] when we got it out. I was thankful for a few things during that time. first: we didn't flip. This thought didn't cross my mind until later, but the washer and dryer in the truck bed, along with the way we fishtailed a couple of times mixed with the way the shoulder led down into the median in a gentle way, [along with GOD's provision] caused us to be okay and not have any fear of flipping. second: no cops stopped along the way [which would have meant another fricking ticket...]. third: we were able to get the truck out of the snow! [after we prayed for the strength to be able to push it out :)]. fourth: it made for an unforgettable memory [(as quoted on my facebook status) "we did not lose the washer..."].

It was great to be able to not be stuck. I could not believe that no civilian stopped to help us. By this time it was about 5 am and there were people on the road. I would have thought that wyoming, with their old fashioned gas stations, would have old fashioned people who would stop and help push a stuck truck out of the ditch. Apparently I was wrong...

So, that was the last of the wyoming adventures. It's sad that there were only two of them :( But the two that we had were great and will leave long lasting memories and laughs between Michelle and I. :)

On that note, another of my resolutions [that i may have just made up, nullifying my entire first papragraph regarding the LTR's] is to go to bed at a decent hour that reflects my next days activities. So far, I am failing tonight. It's already 1:03 and i have to babysit at 8:30 which means I have to get up at 7:55. :o) That means I have just under 7 hours of sleep ahead of me.

I need to look for a car... one that is around $1500 and runs well that i won't need to put any money into maintenance for a while... yeesh.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart

~ama

Contentment vs. happiness

2010-01-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have a wave of disenchantment. A disenchantment that I will ever be happy. This is different than being joyous - I am most often full of joy because joy is not based on my circumstances - it is based on my creator, the one I love, who loves me back with a love that can never be taken away.

Happiness, however, is based on contentment is completely based on my circumstances. This happiness is based on my friends, time spent with those I consider friends, not having a job, not having a ton of fun things to do, not having my own car, on and on and on and on...

Sometimes when I am not happy, it settles in my stomach and reminds me of all those things that I don't have or that I'm not taking advantage of. It's always something I tell you.

Sometimes I'm happy when I spend time with myself, other times I CRAVE spending time with other people. I get discouraged when I am want to spend time with people and no one is around to do so. It really pisses me off, actually. I have that personality that when i want to be "introverted" I am absolutely find being such, but when I am forced to be introverted, I cannot stand it. Not at all. Today is one of those days where I'm fining myself being forced to be introverted. I am probably making a part of this up, but I have that feeling in my stomach that crawls up my back and makes me shiver... It's that pit-like feeling that causes me to verge on anger.

Oyevey.

So, happiness, I just need to stop depending on you. There is no reason you need to decide what I do or why I do it. There is nothing good about you. happiness and feelings are no use to me. It's about finding my contentment in Jesus who is my real reason for doing what I do... Though why is this such a hard thing to do? Why does this tend to be SO difficult?!

I just have to remind myself daily not to become dependent on the situations that I stumble into. I have to remind myself that regardless of my circumstances, I am who I am by the grace of God. I am still learning who I am becoming and am finding my way in this thing I call life.

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = 1

2010-01-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Colorado, I've missed you. I have decided that Wyoming sucks. But, it did not score on Michelle and I. We showed that state who is the boss. For sure.
Utah is okay, though. I suppose. Not great, and I hear Utah Lake smells terrible [go figure], but it treated us well. Treated me well. Though it was cold. and I didn't much appreciate that. But I got over it. Yup.

So, Colorado, let me tell you about my wyoming adventures [I've decided that wyoming is no longer special enough to be capitalized...]. The first adventure consisted of nearly running out of gas. En route to Utah, I forgot to mention to Michelle that wyoming will try to get one up on you by not having gas stations close together on I-80. Poorly designed interstate I've decided. What state has a gas station right off the interstate that does not have a credit card machine attached to it in order to pump gas in the dead of night [or 3 a.m. to be exact]. However, God showed up and provided us our first miracle of the night by allowing us to go nearly 60 miles on a tank of gas after the gas light came on. Michelle's truck usually only gets about 25 miles after the said gas light comes on. We were blessed not to run out of gas and to make it to a gas station.

Dear Wyoming - the only reason I capitalized you again is because you have the most amazing stars. I can see so many of them when i am driving and i appreciate it very much. thank you for that.
However, I do not wish to thank you for this next event.

This said event will get a special posting by itself tomorrow.

I will finish the rest of the story then, as well.

<3

Learn, grow, repeat...

2010-01-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks I have been provided with a LOT of babysitting jobs. Such a blessing to me in more ways than financially!

I am learning a lot about what it means to instill values in children. Growing up I probably didn't learn the best methods for discipline and those methods have stuck with me for the long run. I am finally learning, through watching great families love on their wonderful children, better ways to discipline children and more than that how to love and encourage them more.

I am reminded that kids will seek any kind of attention they can get. Also I find that most kids are good. It is when they are tired or when they are bored that they tend not to be wearing their "listening ears". Through being around these great families that i talked about above, I am learning to have more patience and to really put that patience to the test. It's so easy to say that I have patience, but if I am not gentle with the children or understanding of the fact that they are still young and just like to. have fun, then I am not truly being patient.

I am usually reminded of the fact that God is more than patient with me, because He knows the stupid things I do. And the stupid things that i continue to do. Even though I don't want to do them, I still tend to do them. I'm very much like Paul in this aspect "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate," (Romans 7:15; ESV).

How is it that it is so easy to deny God and please ourselves than it is to have it done the other way around? That just bugs the crap out of me. I have next to nothing in the willpower department when it comes to do that which God asks me to do rather than that which I would prefer to do. Myself [nearly] always wins. "So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me," (Romans 7:17-20; ESV).

On Sunday at Providence, Jim Wood talked about the Call & Cost of Discipleship as seen in Matthew 16:24-27. He talked about these verses and showed them to be broken down into three steps. Discipleship is about The Call, The Warning, and The Reward.

The Call says that following Jesus involves "self-denial;" [putting down my own interests to take on God's and other people's] which means [saying no to living to my own selfish desires and living out what God has told me to]. It also involves "suffering" [Acts 9:15-16]. Lastly, we follow Jesus by emulating Him [learning from, following His example, going where He goes and doing what He does (Matthew 16:26)].

The Warning reminds me that striving to save my life "now" will result in losing it "ultimately" [the world offers us nothing compared to Heaven - it pales in comparison to the offer of LIFE]. It also reminds me that Nothing the world offers compares to eternal life [the call of Jesus is to a greater reward]. and lastly that we will be "rewarded" according to what we have done [this does not say that I will be saved based on what I have done, but rather the reward in Heaven will be based on what I have done]. “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose” - Jim Elliot.

Finally The Reward we receive is "fulfilling what God created us for" [Eph 2:8-10 & Titus 3:14]. The Reward is "Christ Himself" [Phil 1:21. I need to remember though, that if I follow Christ for any other reason than because I love Him, then i am not really following Him]. The Reward is also "Eternal glory" [Romans 8:18].

Having "it all" means having Jesus. If I were to answer the questions of "Do I die daily to self" the answer would be no. I can guarantee that I have never died a day in my life. Honestly, I hate to admit that, but it's the honest truth. It's a struggle to die by the decision of the moment. It's hard and costly. Let's be honest here. the cross is intense suffering and shame until death. But, it is what I was made for. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to waste my life, though I tend to do that more and more as I go along.

Chances are if I am doing something, i have dirty motives behind it. I will admit that there are times when i don't, but the "clean" motives aren't something that come naturally. I have to struggle for them and I have to put aside what I would like to see happen because of what i've just done and it's hard. But I am learning that God is the only motive I need. Not in a legalistic kind of way, but in a way of love...

I am figuring out how to put the love chapter into play and what it truly means....

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres [1 corinthians 13:4-7; NIV]

  Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. [1 Cor 13:4-7; The Message].

tattatatta tattatatta tattatatta tattatatta TAT'toooo....

2010-01-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

On one note - I want to get more tattoos.

I will tell you what they are...!

I have a few ideas that are works in process.
One I want to get that says "I am who I am by the grace of God"
Another i want to get is a compass. Showing me that I do not guide myself.
This would also signify that God is my guide and that I will wait on him...

Another I wish for is a boat - in the style of the tall ship - to signify Michigan.
Adding to that, maybe the lighthouse & a sunset. The sunset will be in color.

Great colors, like red-orange, and yellow. maybe some blue and purple...
A Gorgeous reminder of home and how I've grown up.

on that note - I am going to continue my googling search of these tattoos.
Goodnight :)

Laziest days =o]

2010-01-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

I enjoy days when i can sleep in. Today I slept in without worry until 11:00. It was joyous.

I had a strange dream right before i woke up. I was at home and it was during the summer because there were tornados. It was just like i was at home - [mostly] everything in it's rightful place. The one difference was that pops was there and he had just returned from duty and was tired and maybe injured. not sure.

before the tornado part, it was a little weird. maybe I was at the Beach with the fam or somewhere and I leaned over pops and told him that I loved him and then he said that he loved me too but that he didn't always like me and then I laughed and told him the same thing... [weird.]

anyway, back to the tornados - there were a few of them outside in different areas - one more to the north of Soho, one to the direct and very far away west, and then one came behind the house. I was watching this one and it came really close to the house and I screamed at everyone to get in the basement but no one did so I sat on the stairs - I think ana had come over by then - we we huddled on the bottom step of the stairs - [which would have been really dumb because it was right by the tornado.] I was really pissed at pops because he was just laying on his bed not going to the basement or anything and I was angry that he was just laying there and would have died if the tornado came that way.

and then I woke up.

sometimes i think about the past in that I never said goodbye to pops before he died. I sometimes get really angry and upset by the fact that he died and I wasn't there to see him. And also by the callousness of mom's greeting when I got there. And then I wonder if Anna [RD] knew that he had already passed away when she received the phone call. But then I get mad at myself for not really saying goodbye to what was left of pops. For not shedding any tears. For not showing any emotion. After all of that I wonder why God's plan was not to have me there to see Dad's ending. And because I've never asked about it, I wonder about Andrew and what he saw and how he felt and if he cried.

All of these things cause me to want to be more of an emotional person, more vulnerable, but the truth is I just can't do it. Not by myself - I need God to work a great miracle in me in order to accomplish this.

Since 2004 I can count on two hand the times when i've really seen any semblance of crying or bawling come from me.

tracey's funeral - singing amazing grace when putting her physical body in the ground

at sau finding out dad had cancer - during a period of depression and great sadness

kyle's memorial service at SAU - right after pops was diagnosed with cancer - sang

the bucket list - the end of the movie - seizing on the ground [reminded me of pops]

talking to alan about all of dad's stuff - reliving the fact that I wasn't there to say goodbye

when E-Shaw passed away - breaking down from everything that had happened in that past week

It's a little crazy. I didn't cry when dad passed away or at his funeral or anything... not around family or friends or acquaintances... I don't think I've even been a real crier-type of person, but I still want to be. Hahaha, not sure if that is weird or not but it is what it is.

There was always, and still is, a tattoo that I wanted. It says "I am what I am by the grace of God". It just reminds me that I am where I am and have become who I am because of God and his guiding and leading and that I should not wish to be different or have lived a different life because then I wouldn't be what I am now. that is pretty inspiring to me. even in the wake of the above written blog.

A day of hopeful change

2010-01-13T01:14:00.000-07:00

God is good :)

Today, much later today, I have two interviews. One is for a potential 2 day a week nannying position though that is not definite as there is already a person who has it - I am only backup incase that person falls through.
Second I have an interview at the Brandon Center which is part of the Volunteers of America. This is a shelter for women and children (I would mostly be working with the single women) as an overnight residential coordinator (or a glorified watchmen). It would be 30 hours a week, Friday nights, Saturday night, and Sunday nights from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m. While this isn't my first pick with their organization, I will take it if it is offered to me! I can't be picky when I don't have a job and a perk of this place is that I will be able to use my social work skills! I applied for this about two months ago and it's nice to finally see some fruit starting to bloom.

While I'm not going to hold my breath and put all of my hope into this, I will see this interview as a definite chance to actually getting a job! For that I am very excited and hope that this pans out. The pay is good, and I would make decent money even though it's only a PT 30 hour/week job. Plus, if I were able to get the PT nannying job, I would love it.

Lots of good things are happening in my life right now :) Just waiting to see how all will pan out and praying that I'll walk away with a job offer in the next few days. I'm just waiting to see how God is going to work through this situation.

I am waiting for SAU to get the tuition reimbursement check from DRM so that I can use it to put some money towards loans. I really have no idea how that will all work out, but we will see. God is providing for me so I don't have any worries about anything. I know that He works all things together for my good and His glory and I have seen so many of those fruits since being in Denver. From having a place to live right now for free and not really worrying about what is going to happen, to also allowing the McCall's to let me use their truck if I need to go places, when I want. And also providing me places to go and friendships to build and grow.

What is God teaching you?

Recap of my current situation.

2010-01-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

My my my, it is late! Phew, I definitely need to get into a better sleeping routine!
This is what happens when i have wifi at my fingertips and a music downloading agent... YIKES!

Anyway, so, I figure an update of my life is very much called for.

I am still in Denver - have no plans to move on out yet : )
I am staying with a great family - Randy & Sheryl McCall at their house in Arvada for right now until I can get on my feet and find a job that pays so I that I can move into my own apartment or something like that... I have a nannying job in the works and would love for it to work out but then I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I haven't had a real job since December 18th. I've been looking for social workey jobs but have not had any luck. I have also tried looking for some other sorts of jobs like babysitting and so on. That has panned out semi-okay. I do a lot of babysitting for families at Providence. I have about 3 regular-ish families I sit for when needed. I have to say that even though I've not worked God has blessed me with enough money to pay my bills and even buy a few needed things - like some new clothes and other items.

I moved in with the McCall's this past Friday. My pride would love if I could move out by February but that is not something I can count on. God has been teaching me a lot of lessons like being patient and understanding that He knows what He is doing and does all things in His perfect timing. He has also been teaching me about my pride and that I need to learn to rely on other people and not feel bad for doing so. He has also been teaching me, though I fail quite miserably when it comes to this, about being vulnerable and open with who I am and the struggles that I am going through.

I have never been open with my situations - any one of my friends can testify that I ask them more questions about themselves and share less about myself in any given situation. The truth is I like to think that any problems I have are less important that other people's problems and feel that I tend to handle what I am going through better by myself. The other truth of this matter is the fact that I hate being vulnerable. I don't like to let people see what is going on with me and it's rather rude to be honest.

I am still involved with Providence -www.provcast.org & http://www.providencedenver.org. I really love the people who are there and consider them family and am privileged to know them and to interact with and love them. I am a member of the greeting team and also help in the toddler's room.

I am no longer working at the DRM and I definitely miss it. I might look into volunteering there once and a while. I've gone over to TC a couple of times and love seeing people while I am there.

So, that's life for me in a nutshell.

Yet again...

2010-01-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

my plans have proceeded to not be good plans and therefore have been spoiled.

I will not be living with Michelle anymore, as she needed to provide for herself and had a girl move in and sign the lease. While I knew that this was a possibility, it took me by surprise a little bit. IT was a little frustrating, but I know that God is using this time in my life to change me and refine who I am becoming. Part of this is my own fault for asking God to put His will into play in my life. If you want things to not get a little crazy, don't ask Him for his will to be done. :)

Still, I highly suggest asking Him to place it in your life. Yeah, things get a little crazy, plans get shredded and you often wonder what you've got yourself into, but God is a provider. He has this amazing way of letting things work out eventually, though not in the way your planned, or oftentimes even close to the way you pictured it in your mind.

Housesitting has been going well, I cannot at all complain. I just tend to lose track of what the date is... After Thursday (which I now know as being two nights away including tonight) I will go and live with the McCall's until a further date.

I am still looking for a job but not with much luck. I am looking into going to grad school to pursue my MSW which should better allow me to find a "real job". I am also looking for babysitting jobs, and am finding quite a few of them through Providence. These have been a real blessing and most often unexpected. I have been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded by wonderful people who insist on blessing me even though my pride gets in the way and i don't ask for it.

I was recently given a $150 dollar check from a wonderful girl who felt the Lord put it on her heart to do so. That was a huge blessing that I hope to be able to bless others with.

Overall, I am learning a lot about myself and about God and what more could I ask for?

http://provcast.org/Provcast.org/Providence_Bible_Church_Podcast/Entries/2010/1/3_Forgiven_Part_2.html
--> GREAT sermon by Josh Larsen. It will really make you think!

Life and all of it's crazyness.

2009-12-29T12:57:00.004-07:00

So, I am still a traversing person on the road to my own life.
I still am looking for a job, and while I'm not yet having much luck, I did get three leads that I am going to call on later today...

I am currently residing at the McCall household for one last night. Then, tomorrow i start a house-sitting gig for the Lanzen's. I will be there from tomorrow night until next Thursday the 7th. That is a blessing to have because I'm still not sure about living conditions...

I'm not sure what is going to happen with Michelle's right now. I'm stubborn and want to be able to stay there and pay her for this coming month, but then I'm also stubborn because I don't want to have to sell my stuff, but i will if I need to...I just put my digital camera up for sale on Craigslist. I figure that enough people have a camera so I don't need one...
I will be planning on selling my laptop next...I still have my Ipod Touch so that will work for me, at least for right now...

SO yeah, life is full of kinks that need to b e worked out but I still hold fast to the knowledge that God has my life under control and it will all work out eventually. I am not panicking or worrying about what is going to happen because it adds nothing to my life, rather it takes away from my joy and happiness. I know that God is my provider, He is my source and he will give me what I need when I need it in the time that I need it in. I am blessed to have a family here in Denver whom I love and who loves me. I have friendships with many people and I know that if I do need something, it will be provided for me from someone.

I attend a wonderful church with a wonderful body. I am growing in my faith and am having to live it out actively. I am being put to the challenge of letting my yes mean yes and my no mean no. I am able to help people out in tangible ways, though not yet financially. I know that one day it will all fall into place. I am actively seeking out ways to be resourceful and to support those who I call friends.

I am blessed to have a place to stay, food to eat, and people that care about my well-being.

Christmas miracles

2009-12-08T00:22:00.004-07:00

This is not really a post about miracles that have already happened. It is about those that I would like to see happen.

I would love to be able to find a job. A FT job would be preferable, but I would go for a PT one, at least to start out with. I really just feel that God is calling me to wait on Him. He is the God of my life who decides to do things last minute, but just when they're needed. So, I know that He is going to provide an opportunity for me. I think he just wants me to focus on my last 9 days of work, and also my last days of this class. I just have to be patient, calm, and collected.

Other notes of interest in my life include getting ready to move into my very first, pay for rent, apartment. That is exciting in and of itself. It's going to be in Capitol Hill, which is one of the many areas of main-town Denver. I'm going to live with 2 great roommates, one of which is 8 years old. :) It's going to be an experience, but one that will be enjoyable.

Right now I'm struggling with the whole money thing. I need something to break to be able to pay my bills. I'm tired of living and only being able to pay the minimum's on my bills. I want to be able to pay two of my credit cards off and have the other one down low as well. I also want to be able to help my sister out with her Cross Cultural. But, this money thing won't break until the job thing does.

Speaking of money, I've recently been looking at the Crown Financial Ministries Money Map and would like to be able to do this while I am young and have a smaller amount of debt. The whole premise is paying off bills, creating a savings, and buying smart. This is a great thing to start since I am young.

The first step is emergency savings of $1000. Step two is to pay of credit cards and increase savings to one month's living expenses. Step three is paying off consumer debt (student loans) & increasing savings to three month's worth of living expenses. Step four makes you begin to save for major purchases (home, auto, etc.) and also for retirement, children education, and if I want to start my own business or something of that nature. Step five is buying a home that I can afford, begin prepaying the mortgage, and also investing wisely, whether in stocks or bonds or CD's or MMA's. The second to last step is paying off the mortgage, making sure I have enough money to cover children educational needs. the last and final step is making sure my retirement is funded.

I am excited about the potential my life has. Life is going to be different from that which I grew up in. My ultimate goal is to not have to worry about money matters, to make sure that I have enough to cover my needs and then enough to cover other people's needs, too. There are so many things that life can bring, it makes me very excited!

Life is a great thing to be able to explore.

If you would, please pray that I would be patient for God's timing. I am finding that the more I talk about his timing, the more nervous I become. The more people ask about what I'm doing next, or go on about what will happen if i don't get a job, the more nervous I become. Deep down I know that God is going to provide, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know what is going on, and by relying on God, it causes things to be taken out of my hands and out of my control...

ultimately, I understand that I need to "be strong & courageous." I should "not be frightened or dismayed for the Lord [my] God is with [me] wherever [I] go." (Holmsman Christian Standard Bible, Joshua 1:9).

Pray for this.

Frick

2009-12-01T21:06:00.002-07:00

It is officially December - the busiest month of the year. In more ways than one, of course.
This month:
my internship ends
I move into a new place [where I will have to pay rent]
- With new roommates [Michelle & her daughter Kelbie]
I will live in a new part of Denver
I will ride different busses to get to where I need to go
I [hopefully!] will start a new job
I will make more money & pay off some debts
I will most likely not make it home for Christmas
I will enjoy Christmas in Denver
I will send out Christmas cards [which I have never done before]

Woot Woot!

A life and time of change!

November, can you slow down?!

2009-11-13T01:03:00.002-07:00

HI there :)

Life has been ever busy as usual, in the good sort of way.
I am currently 3 weeks into the last class I need to get my diploma, YAY!
It is going alright. I don't have the main textbook, which causes me not to really pay attention to the class and homework in general. I need to strive to do well, though - this is imperative.

my working life is going well. I am trying to keep busy and stay on task but am finding it hard to do so. I have only 5 more weeks at this internship and then I will be done. It is crazy to beleive that I have been here for 10 months already! Time sure does fly. For the most part my clients are doing well, some of them are going through struggles, but I have faith that they will get through it with dignity. There are some that really have it rough right now, I will admit. I'm just trying to be prayerful for them and hope that they are able to have faith that God is there with them and that this is not the end.

church life is absolutely fantastic. I am getting involved with my church - Providence Bible Church - and I really really love it there. THe people are fantastic and I really love them all. I learn so much about God and about myself by hearing the word and enjoying fellowship. I am engaged in a community group through them which is fantastic. I like it a lot. I am learning even more about myself and applying scripture to my life through it. I am also in a book club through PBC with the 20-somethings. We have our first session on Sunday and I am excited to see what it is going to look like and see how we are all going to grow, not only on our own, but also together

babysitting life: I have been picking up a lot of babysitting jobs. God has really been providing for me regarding this situation. He is just awesome, and through I still need to work on not squandering away my monies, I am making progress. I just got extra money tonight. It is helping me to pay my bills and also is giving me the ability to go out with my friends on the occasion.

social life is becoming more fun. I have been going out with friends semi-regularly. I try not to spend a whole ton of money but it's hard. I'm making new friends and trying to still keep in touch with those I know from college which is mostly proving difficult - this could be due to the fact that I'm not really trying that hard... I don't know.

I am working on trying to find a job for after November. I need to stop being lazy and finish the cover letter that I am working on. I don't really have the motivation to do so :( Sad, yes. Pathetic, doubleyes. Will I get it eventually, doubleplusyes.

That is my biggest thing right now is finding a job. We'll see what the Lord brings to me...

Well, I need to go get a few hours of sleep. I will post this paper tomorrow.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart
Ama

So we run....

2009-10-20T19:36:00.002-06:00

hi there friends.
Sorry for the long leave of absence.

Life here at TC is going well. Case management is also going well. It is keeping me busy and I am learning alot about what a case manager is, who I become as a case manager, and who I am in general. life is taking me for a ride these days, but it is a ride that I rather enjoy.

I am learning a lot of the resources around the Denver metro area and I am making a few contacts within these agencies. Like anything else, there is always more to learn as things change in the blink of an eye. I fidn that I enjoy being able to tell people who come here looking for help places that they can go and agencies - it makes me feel good to be able to refer them to places that are actually able to help them where they are at.

Most days work goes well though there are times when I become overwhelmed and am ready to leave for the day. I was really frustrated at intake yesterday with a person's situation and what seemed like he was going to be screwed over.

A litte background information:: when it comes to transitional housing, there aren't a lot of places like TC that, if you meet the requirements, you are able to move in the same day. Granted there are times when we don't have rooms open which means a family has to wait until one comes about - but we usually have a pretty decent rate of turn-over. Right now we have like 8 rooms open, or something like that. It's pretty ridiuclous, actually. This month there haven't been a lot of people who are able to meet our qualifications and move in. We have had at least 6 rooms open for like 3 weeks.

Back to this man - he was a single dad who was just kicked out of the shelter that he was staying in. [I'll be honest, I haven't been hearing great things about this particular shelter and it has been making me not so happy.] So, he comes here and because his TANF doesn't kick in until the end of the month, and we can't take him. I think about different places that would take him and his 9 month old daughter so that they don't have to sleep out in the cold. Nothing. Not a single damn place had space to take a single father. I was fuming! Absolutely upset. So much so that I'm working myself up to tears.

Thankfully God created us to be resourceful. After much thinking, he was able to overcome the fact that he didn't like his daughter's grandmother and took her there to stay for a few days until he's able to find an organization that can voucher him into here until his TANF comes in. I was able to get one of the residents in the NLP to call over to our downtown facility and secure this man a bed for 7 days. God was really working in this situation. So, as far as I know, he is there again tonight, waiting for an agency to say they have money to move him into our residence until the 1st of next month.

I know that God has this family in his hands and that he is working on hearts and has been planning for this very moment for ages. Speaking of God doing great things, in December I am going to be participating in something so very cool! My church has put together a fundraiser for our new building & it's operating costs, Denver's Road Home & the Denver Rescue Mission, called A Night In A Box.

I am so excited to be a part of this and see God work in amazing ways. Our goal is to raise $100,000 and to be honest, I see us raising a whole lot more than that. It sounds like a lofty goal, but I have huge faith that we are going to surpass it.
I am always looking for sponsors for this. It doesn't have to be a ton of money - $5 makes a huge difference. See A Night In A Box for details :)

God has blessed me immensely through Providence. I have made great friends, been a part of fun times and see myself staying there and being a part of it for a long while. :)

Time is getting away from me and I really need to head to bed. Have a 9 o'clock meeting in the am. Yikes!

With love & blessings,
Amanda

Year 2

2009-09-16T20:01:00.002-06:00

Today was the 2nd, anniversay if you would, of dad's passing away after a tough battle with cancer.

It strikes me, how time has gone. I took the day off and spent part of it down by the rivers that I love here in Denver. While sitting/laying there, i thought it felt a little bit like South Haven. Like I could get up and go down to gma's house and say hello. In lieu of that I wrote on her facebook wall. :)

I took time to rest and relax after sleeping in this morning. I'm not terribly sad about the day. Sure, it brings back memories thinking about pops, but I know that he is in a better place and that I will once again get to see him, someday. Whenever it is that my time comes. Both my heart and mind have come to grasp that he isn't with me. Sometimes I forget it, though. I get this urge to call him, but then I realize that it's not his phone anymore - it's Andrew's, now.

Except I forget that when Andrew calls me [okay, the one time he called me] and the name showed up as Dave Brucki. That was a little bit of a stunner, I'll be honest.

Mostly, though, days are well, even with rememberance's of him. It's definitely bittersweet. It's usually been more sweet than bitter, though.

Well, I am getting tired, though it's only 8:05. I need to make some calls, see if some people want to hang out. It's free pie night at Village Inn. YUUUMMMM!

Labor Day weekend

2009-09-04T11:15:00.004-06:00

Fun facts about Labor Day::

x It originated in Canada, first Hamilton then Toronto [which is near Michigan!]
x The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City
x Due to the aftermath of the deaths of a number of workers at the hands ofthe US military and US Marshals during the 1894 Pullman Strike, legislation making Labor Day a national holiday was rushed through Congress unanimously and signed into law a mere six days after the end of the strike.
x We can thank President Cleveland for this
x All 50 states have made labor day a natl. holiday
x Traditionally, Labor Day is celebrated by most Americans as the symbolic end of the summer. The holiday is often regarded as a day of rest and parades.
x some view it as the last weekend for parties before returning to school.
x Labor Day marks the beginning of the NFL and college football seasons
x Alternatively, Labor Day traditionally occurs on the first Monday in September

I enjoy labor day and all the things there are to do on this day.
Some places have parades, fireworks, etc.
It usually involves a big day of party.
Cooking out, laughing, playing games - it's the last big HURRAH! of summer, afterall.
Unless you have an Indian Summer.

:: Charaterised by sunny, warm weather in autumn, not long before winter. Usually occurring after the first frost, Indian summer can be in September, October, or November in the northern hemisphere.
:: In the northern U.S. state of Minnesota, for example, warm Indian summer weather generally occurs earlier, in mid October rather than early November.
:: value for determining whether an Indian summer is occurring is that the weather must be above 21°C (70°F) for seven days after the autumnal equinox
:: in the South as elsewhere, this period is more commonly known as the dogdays, in reference to the appearance of Sirius – the "Dog Star" – to the Ancient Greeks
:: Joe Walsh has a song called "Indian Summer" on the 1978 album "But Seriously, Folks..."
:: Pedro the Lion included a song called "Indian Summer" on their album Control.
:: Mandy Moore has a song called "Indian Summer" off her new album "Amanda leigh" [I hope this album is good, it is, after all, named after me!]
:: "Indian Summer" (the movie) was produced and written by Mike Binder in 1993.
:: Brooks & Dunn have a single released in 2009 called "Indian Summer".

I LOVE Indian Summers. It is my favorite time of year, by far! The leaves are turning colors, some are falling off by this time, and the weather is just as fabulous as ever. It's such a glorious time! The sun comes back out and you crave being outside. I hope they have Indian Summers here in Denver...!

Right now the weather is still wondrous, but I haven't been out in it as much as I would like.
The sun goes down ridiculously early here because of the moutains.
I don't appreciate that at all. The weather here is usually nice, though.
It is hard to believe it is already the 4th day of September.
I can feel this month is going to pass quickly.
The 16th makes it 2 years since Pops has passed.
Time really does fly.

I hope that I have a lot to do this Labor Day weekend.
I am too extorverted to spend as much time with myself as I have already.
I need energy and excitement.
People, friends, family, church, etc.
I have to get out and about.
I still need to do more things!

with love, blessings and a thoughtful heart,
.:Amanda:.

Life never slows down.

2009-09-01T20:30:00.003-06:00

There is always going to be ebb and flow when it comes to living.

Coming and going;
beginning and ending;
hello and goodbye.

It's a never ending cycle.
But there is always beauty.
Even in the hard times.

How does one find beauty in family failure.
In a wife cheating on her husband.
And producing a child.
What about the four children the couple shares?

This family tragedy is one that I see again and again in our society.
It's sad how often this seems to happen.
This happened to one of our families.
Today the whole building saw the fermented fruits of this failing relationship.

It's hard to know how to deal with something like this if you've never been privy to this happening with anyone you know before.
It's not so hard, if you've seen it with your own eyes and experienced it with your own heart.
It feels like there is never anything you can say to the person on the opposite end who has had to suffer through this.
They will never understand it.
It's possible to try, but it's almost always incomprehensible.

We said goodbye, tried her hand at magic
We couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had you
So run away, I'm glad you're still here

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes
One in love, one in anger
They're lyin' there
Dyin' in the dresser drawer

Lived louder than my voice
Struggled through a stranger
He loved me
Till I loved you even more

It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' someone else who wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowin' freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes and my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
From doin' this to me?

Two sides to every coin

2009-08-16T22:32:00.002-06:00

It's interesting to me that since I've been an intern here in Denver that I've not been able to get away from the homeless population. This, by no means, is a bad thing, it's just something that has stuck out to me in a big way. Not only do I work with the homeless, I live with them and I go to church with them.

Tonight I had a great time at church. I went to a leadership class there and we focused mainly on the fact that Community is central to the Christian identity. How truthful is that? Don't we classify ourselves by whom we hang out with. Life is all about community in both christian and secular settings. Even God is in community with the Trinity. We crave community in friends, family, husbands and wives, etc.

We focused tonight on what it means to facilitate discussion groups. Tonight was a leadership group targeted towards those who would like to take on the role of leadership within out church. I love the church [the church is the people not the meeting place] and I would like to at least be able to take on the role of a leader when necessary or when prompted. I enjoyed the 3 hour group.

One of the main activities we did towards the end of the night. was to "practice" facilitating a group discussion. So we met in groups of 4 and each of us picked a question out of a list provided and did the "facilitation" of the question. This list of questions was pretty intense. The four questions we asked were
..."Where do you draw the line between helping people and showing them how to help themseves? How do you strike a balance"
..."To what extent is your view of God influenced by your view of your father?"
..."How would you prefer to die - quickly without warning or slowly over time?"
..."What is the ideal age to get married? Why?"

The answers given by each member [including the senior pastor] were very interesting and insightful. For instance, the one about dying was particularly involved and revealing of one's character. I believe that the other three said they would prefer to die quickly. I, because of the situation with Pops [my dad] and him dying of cancer, chose to die slowly over time. One has to think a long time about this question. For me, it was simple. I remember how much I appreciated those last months with Pops and all the talks we got to have, the questions I was able to ask and get answers for, and the ability to have some sort of closure. Did dying slowly suck, absolutely. Did it pain me to the depths; Yes. But, was is worth it? Like nothing else.

I asked the last question in the group about drawing the line, and it was a great discussion and very thought provoking. God is a great God and really drove the point home.

Earlier in the session, I was outside with Teresa, from CH, and we were talking about how this seminar was pertinent to our lives and how she doesn't think this is the right church for her because they don't believe in having women pastors and teresa has felt the calling to be a youth pastor from her high school days and knows she wouldn't be able to do that here. Needless to say, she was feeling discouraged.

While we were out talking, a homeless lady came up to us asking for money. Teresa gave her a dollar. I had some money in my wallet in the meeting place but didn't want to give her any. All she was asking for was money - not food or water and I have learned from past experiences that homeless people who do that are not looking for nourishment, they are looking for drugs or alcohol.

Anyway, I went inside to get her some pepsi and brought it out to her. She asked what was going on inside and we told her and she decided to go inside. I'm glad she did. After all of that, while I was asking this question she came up to our group and asked Jay [the pastor] for some help - some money. Sadly, it was a great example to the question of how to draw that line. I suggested that in order to draw that line, you have to question the need of the person you would like to help. You almost have to do some background digging. Is this person honest, truthful and earnest about what they need and why they need it. Does this person desire to change? Or will they just use you until they find someone else?

The way that God teaches is often bewildering. He likes to throw real life situations into the mix and make us deal with it.

Question to take into consideration:
...When does the end justify the means?

"Blessed are those who dependo n the God of Jacob for help.
Blessed are those who put their hope in the Lord their God.
He is hte maker of heaven and earth and the ocean.
He made everything in them.
The Lord reminas faithful forever
He stands up for those who are beated down.
He gives food to hungry people.
The Lord sets prisoners free.
The Lord gives sight to those who are blind.
The Lord lifts up those who feel helpless.
The Lord loves those who do what is right.
The Lord watches over the outsiders who live in outr land.
He takes good care of children whose fathers have died.
he also takes good care of widows.
But he causes evil peopel to fail in everyhting they do.
-Psalm 146:3-9

with love, blessings and a grateful heart

when God works through us to touch another

2009-08-07T18:27:00.003-06:00

Today I learned a lot about how God's timing is perfect.

I have a resident [Sarah*name has been changed] here who needed rental assistance - a money voucher to pay a portion of her rent here. She told me about this last week and in turn I gave her an application to one of the local organizations [HHH] that pay for 25% of the rent if the tenant pays for the other 75%.

I played phone tag with a lady at HHH and never really got anywhere. During this time I had Sarah* breathing down my neck because I was not replying to her phone calls [which I got about 3 times a week, sometiems even twice a day]. I had told her that when I knew something I would give her a call and since I still didn't know anything, I didn't call her regarding it.

Today, after about a week and a half of playing phone tag with , I finally gave in and decided to give the HHH lady my email address over the phone. That finally did the trick! She emailed me very soon after that to tell me that she had just phoned in the order to cut the check for Sarah*. I was so relieved for this! Today, Sarah's* rent was due. She just started a new job as a teacher and because of the school's start date, Sarah* doesn't have an income for the month of July [basically]. If this voucher had not come in, Sarah* [and her two children] would have been asked to leave for at least 30 days.

I called Sarah* to let her know the fantastic news and she was so thankful for this provision.

Praise God that his timing is always perfect, even when we have to wait until our last minute to receive his giftings. It's not good to doubt, but there is always a certain curiosity when it comes to having things one needs provided for as to when it is going to come through.

with love, blessing and a joyful heart

Key Cards

2009-08-05T21:13:00.003-06:00

So, I counted today, and instead of having the normal amount of key cards in order to get into my room, I had a ridiculously large amount. Instead of having one, I had ten. Yep, I am a key card horder. Sometimes I just can't help it. I leave my key card in my room and then go down to get another one.
It's gotten worse since I figured out how to work the key machine so now I can make my own room keys and not have that accountability to bring it back down...

Today one of my clients left for a different housing. I am happy for her. Granted she did not gradaute the program or anything and wasn't really able to work it in regards to her savings account, but she is getting out of here. So, good for her.

I might add that this was one of my hardest clients. Through her I learned that not everyone appreciates the work that I do and some people probably feel that I could be doing a lot more to help them. The first couple meetings that we had together were okay. The last 3 - not so hot. She made it clear to me that I wasn't acting like the type of person [Christian] she thought I should.

For the past 2 or 3 months, she has been struggling with working a lot, not getting a lot of sleep and not making enough money to eat after paying her rent. When she was going through this, i did not know that I had the ability to give out food vouchers. I just recently found this out about 3 weeks ago. By this time she already had a second job and was now doing a lot better that previously. It is with this job that she is now moving out, going somewhere. Hopefully this is a place that she succeeds in and that she can find some sort of positive insight into things.

This was a lady that I wasn't really able to connect with. I don't know why not, I just know that we never clicked. This was really tough for me because I am a people pleaser and I enjoy being around others. I like to think that I am funny [most of the time] and most people laugh at the things that I say [or at the least they are laughing at me, which I still enjoy and can handle]. This lady did not, ever. It is not that I resent her for this fact, becuase i absolutely do not. I understand [now] that not everyone is going to like you. Most of the time this is due to matters that are outside of one's control. It could be a character flaw or perhaps there is something about myself that rubs her the wrong way. I have no clue. I do know, however, that this is one of the biggest learning experiences that I have had in a while.

That all being said, I really do wish her the best and pray that she follows God whom loves her more than anything. Would you, too, pray for her? Pray that God's mercy and grace would be bestowed upon her and that she would continue to find steady employment that provides her with the ability to pay her rent, to eat, and to also do things that give her rest and rejuvenation? Pray that she would continue to stay in line with the expectations that her PO have for her. That she would stay away from drugs and alcohol even if/when the temptation to give in is high. Pray that God would keep a protective shield around her to stop any unwanted contact from those whom she considers strangers.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart

On today's episode of Around This Place

2009-08-03T21:13:00.003-06:00

It's amazing to me how easily life can turn into one big soap opera...

Living in transitional housing with families, seniors, and singles takes a wearing out of one's soul.

There are days when living here is good and revives my soul, but there seem to be more and more days when living here takes a toll on me that I have a hard time replenishing.

I usually love hanging out with people, but am finding myself becoming more secluded and turning away from the hustle and bustle of life here. This is not always a bad thing regarding most people, but for me I think this is detrimental to who I am and how I live my life.

On the other flip of the coin, living here, a lot of times, is a whole lot of fun. I enjoy getting to know people and to hear of their stories. I find a lot of people would prefer that you listen to them, rather than talk over them or give them advice... So many people have a story to tell and get really tired of others thinking that they know it already. I have a problem with that sometimes. I think that I know who a person is and where they are coming from and I am usually wrong. I find that we all feel that our stories are important and often times telling them comes at the expense of allowing us to get to know other people.

Living a portion of my life here shows me that regardless of where one goes to live there is always going to be drama. This can be both exciting and disappointing, depending on the topic of it. I think that growing up people beleive that drama ends with high school which is entirely untrue. Life is a throwing together of drama and, oftentimes, politics.

I have learned quite a lot about myself since being here. I have figured out that I enjyo being right and I dislike immensely beign told what to do when it interferes with my ethics and values. I have understood the importance of seeing things from two opposing view points; issues are not always black and white - rather there is a lot of grey that colors different situations. This difference is not always bad. I have realized that most people have good intentions. It is just that quite a few of thsoe with good intentions somehow get misled along the way.

It is in these grey areas and these good intentions with bad consequences, that we learn the most about ourselves and realize things that we might never have learned just by seeing and labeling situations, emotions, reasons, thought processes, etc., as black and white. It is through viewing these different areas in a grey shade we are able to come to our own conclusions about how things should, or should not - for that matter, work and/or be run.

Oh Andrea...

2009-07-29T20:31:00.004-06:00

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God.

There is just something about a Shane and Shane song that gets me. You can feel the passion, swelling up, bursting to get out of your soul deep within. I am constantly reminded how good God is and how blessed we are to know Him and to be loved by Him.

I have been learning, this week, just how deep God loves us and cares for us. There is a lady here where I work, a resident who has some mental issues. I am not sure what exactly is going on as she does not have a case manager right now, but there is definitely something. I would say that she is off of her medications whether that means she is just refusing to take them or is out of them, I do not know. What I do know is that she has to leave by next week because we are not a facility that deals with mental illness as we do not have the means nor the capacity to deal with that type of situation. I do know that God loves her just as much as He loves me. I have come to the conclusion that I might not be the best person to work with those living with mental illness. I do know that there are many qualified people who can.

Through a series of incident's with this lady, she has come to consider me a good friend, which I am blessed by. Earlier today she offered me some of the food that was on her plate. I kindly turned her down and made sure that she was not offended by it. During that same conversation she told me that she was going to have her daughter (who is currently in foster care) buy me some fruits and vegetables and I said, "no, that is alright but thank you so much, I really appreciate it" she replied that "it's what a human should do." I was so blessed by her thought for me and her generosity! As I was leaving she told me that she loved me. :) My heart swelled with love and mercy for her.

She is still struggling with some issues right now. Earlier she called the police but wouldn't let them into her room and it has just been a complicated mess at times. I say all of that to say that God has infinite love for her. I don't know who some people are affected by mental illness while others are left untouched but I glory in the fact that eventually God is going to restore all of us to our former glory.

And, after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. [1 Peter 5:10]

All I can do for her now is try and search out places that would be beneficial for her and would truly help her to regain an astute consciousness in which she can function in society. Would you be willing to pray for this situation? I would really appreciate it. “Again, assuredly I tell you, that if two of you will agree on earth concerning anything that they will ask, it will be done for them by my Father who is in Heaven.” [Matthew 18:19]
I leave you with love, blessings, and a grateful heart.

God is still in control.

2009-07-22T20:00:00.002-06:00

Today was an exhausting day. I am not sure if it is primarily due to the fact that I only got 5 hours of sleep or not. I will say that between the 5 hours of sleep, losing 3 of my families in the last week, having a bit of a confrontation with one of the relatives of one of the families I had to ask to leave, going to breakfast for an agency visit, having a meeting from 1-2:30, having another meeting from 3-6, a meeting from 6-6:30, I am very much qualified to be exhausted.

It's not that this line of work is physically draining, rather, it is emotionally draining.
I cannot say that it is not good, however. It definitely is rewarding, but like anything else, it takes it's toll out on you.

Pray that I would be able to seek quiet time with Jesus tonight. A refreshing that is far overdue.

Be blessed this day.

With love and blessings,
<3 me.

Psalm 23 (for the Workplace)

2009-07-11T15:12:00.004-06:00

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
HE gently reminds me to pray and do all things without murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source and not my job.
He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in all that I do.

Even though I face absurd amountsof emails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning, I still will not stop---for he is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He reaises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go. His faithfulness and love is better than any bonus check

His retirement plan beats any 401k there is!
When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I BLESS HIS NAME!!!

Author: unknown.

This is posted on the filing cabinet next to my desk. I don't read it every day but I revel in the fact that God is who I work for. To think in terms like that is what makes my job worthwhile.

Speaking of my job, I will be keeping it a little bit longer. I am staying in Denver until December at the earliest. I am praying about it, and will figure out whether I will accept a position to do the same thing I have been doing until May of next year. Please pray for me in the area of guidance as to whether this is where I should be that long. I know that as of right now, I would not accept a position with the M unless it was doing case management. Ultimately that is what I would like to do; at least for now. I love being here for clients and finding resources that are able to help them. I want to empower them to take responsibility for their own actions and as or right now, for the most part, that is what is happening. Mostly I enjoy this position very much and appreciate the fact that God has put me here to do his work in a way that I don't even understand.

In lieu of accepting this internship until December, I am going to send out support letters that are seeking both financial support as well as prayer. For me, both aspects are important. If you would like to help in either way, please comment with your address.

For right now I am seeking God in every way possible. I know that I don't always do the best job of it, but I think that life is about learning from one's mistakes and I personally know that there is always room for improvement.

Blessings to you all.
Amanda

ME 517 GG

2009-06-27T12:08:00.002-06:00

I have a picture of a boat. It is next to my desk, on top of the AC unit. There are two boats actually. Of the old rowing style. The water is calm, as if it is glass. I can see three oars in the white boat. The oars, like the boat itself, are wooden. It's a picture of a simpler time, a time when taking a day off work to go fishing was no big deal. When being on the water, without a motor was enjoyable and relaxing. The reflection of the boat on the water is wavy, reminding me that just because something looks picturesque, doesn't mean that life is always calm.

Below the surface, which I cannot see, I am positive that there are hundreds of fish swimming around, waiting for their next bit of food; wherever that comes from. There are water plants that have been growing for thousands of years, which still do not come to the surface. I keep wanting to look past the mat board to see what lies past the boats on this lake. Is it surrounded by weeping willows? Are there other people on the lake? Housings with windows that overlook this lake? Questions are endless as I bask in the glory that I have known before and that I wish I could find here in Colorado.

Glory of a God that created all things. I see this in the mountains and in the way the rain puddles up on the rough, cracked pavement and blacktop, waiting to flow downstream to bask in the softness of the grass. I see it in the people I work with everyday, those with spirits that are looking for refreshment and which are longing for love. A glory that brings to light how much God loves us and how much he longs to be with us. A love that shines down on us with glimpses of grace and mercy from our lover up above. One which reminds us just what it cost to capture us and set us free, to rescue us from the chains and heartaches that we are all too used to.

This is the place where I realize that everything is so much bigger than myself. This is where I attempt to grasp just what that means for my life, my will, my spirit. How do I go from here, a changed person, and live life like I have been changed. What does that mean for me? As a friend, daughter, sister, lover, acquaintance, and more. I don't know. Perhaps I will never know, but I can't stop trying to figure it out. I have to pursue this change, this difference.

This is me, attempting to become more vulnerable, dependent, gracious, loving, kind, gentle, firm, agreeable, and through it all learning to lean on my God whose yoke is easy and burden is light.

Long time, no what...?

2009-06-22T22:52:00.002-06:00

No blog - that's what.

More often than not I realize that I don't really fancy this blog writing like I think I should. Whether that stems from not know what to write, or I guess in my case not knowing how much (or how liitle) to write. I'm a bad blogger, this is true.

I am finding life to be busy. I think it has always been busy, I am just starting to realize it a little more. Saturdays tend to be my sleep-in-and-not-do-anything days. It's nice to be able to get some sleep and not worry about when I need to get up. Those days are the best.

This getting up and being to work by 9am has never been my thing, and I'm worried it never will. It's not that I wouldn't like to not have to be to work by 9, it's the fact that there are so few jobs that give me the ability and opportunity to come in later. I think my ideal work day would be 10-6. Yup, that's it. Long enough to be able to stay out late at night and early enough to feel productive.

I have been living life in the fast lane as of late. I have been doing a lot of thigns at work - it is very time consuming. I love what I do but I understand how easy it is to get burnt out. It's easy to give and give and give of yourself, but if I am not filling myself up then I will soon be useless. I have had a fair share of clients come and go already. It's crazy to think that I've only been doing this for a little over 2 months. This job causes time to feel like it goes so quickly.

But it's hard to leave something that you love to do.

I have come to love each and every resident here. They all bring something special to the table. On that note, could you pray for me? I have asked to be able to stay until the end of the year. I will find out by the end of the month (which is in a week and a half)! I want to stay here only if it is where I am supposed to be and if this is what I am supposed to be doing. If I am not supposed to be here I have been praying for a door to be slammed in my face.

I would love to stay here and continue to do what I do and discover more about myself through all of this, but I know that sometimes I want to do things that I am not supposed to be doing. I just want a clear and definitive answer.

If the answer will be no I pray that I would find something else I love to do, that an option would be open in front of my face and that I would feel it and be passionate about it.

If the answer is yes I will be sending out financial support letters to friends and family. I am not expecting anything out of them. If family and friends have extra money to send and indeed want to send me money then I will take what I am offered. I ask that I would not become greedy about the money. It is just hard only making $150 a month and being able to maintain a checking account as well as even think about putting money into a savings account. The LORD my God knows what I need and I am sure that he will provide it.

All in all, things are going extremely well here.

Life is blossoming before my eyes. Friendships are being made and living is pretty swell, as well.

I will attempt to post more, on a more regular basis.

For now I leave you with love.

Blessings <3

Forever your girl

2009-04-27T23:46:00.002-06:00

I love 80s music. Why does it have to be sooo fun?!

I don't have too much of an update, but I just wanted to post a little, "HI!" to all of your lovely faces! It's crazy how fast time goes, I'm coming home in less than 2 weeks and the more I think about it the more excited and anxious I become for it!

I would like to have a lot of fun while I am there, even if it may mean breaking some concept rules. I just won't tell anyone, especially not Rebecca Kelch ;)
But for real, I am so EXCITEDDDD!!!!!!

I am getting my hair cut, colored and styled tomorrow - hopefully! I don't see a reason why I would not get it done, but it may not come about. I'm letting James do whatever he would like to it. I have no preference. none. Just something FUN!

I should be working on a paper but I am not a little high-strung. I need to release some of the energy. I may stay up pretty late tonight; I really need to bang this paper out! Tis the truth! I wish I had some sort of chatting function to use and talk with people I miss right now. That's one thing that gets me the most frustrated is not being in the loop with regards to people's lives.

Indeedey so. :D

Anyway, I should go and do something, like hw preferably!

Blessings & lots of LOVE!

Play Your Part

2009-04-20T11:24:00.002-06:00

"someday we'll all have perfect wings..."
I've picked up on the fact that I have not been living life daily. There are times when I do, don't get me wrong, but the whole line about me wanting to live life daily on a daily basis has not been following suit.

I wish I had more evidence to back this up with. However, I do not. I have not been working on my humongo welfare paper. It's not a good thing. Bonnie hasn't written me back yet and it's very frustrating because I need to know if I am on top of it or if I am not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really becoming a pain in my ass.

The work week last week was really good. Wednesday wa a busy day. I had two meetings with new cases. It went well, for sure. On Thursday I had yet another CM meeting and I did it all by myself! It felt so good to be released from people sitting in on my meetings. Granted, I wanted them to, but to do a meeting all by myself was wonderful. After that I went to a Family2Family meeting put on by one of the agencies around here. It was nice to be able to network a little bit and just see the other agencies who are around here.

Thursday night I went John's (a house manager who used to be an intern of my friend Ashley's) small group for the second time and I really enjoyed it. It makes me wish I was able to go more; I don't know when I'll be able to go next... :( Ashley spoke at the small group this week. Ashley went to Columbine and was a sophomore during the shootings. She has an amazing story and I was honored to be able to hear it once again. It reminds me that God is still in control. After she was done talking we stayed for a couple hours longer at John's house talking and relaxing. Ash is going through a rough time at work right now and she's not sure when it is going to end. Her and John talked about it a lot; it was nice that they were able to share the experience since John was an intern in this specific program before.

Friday was a decent day. I went out that night, and was I ever glad for that. We went to this little bar downtown-ish called Charlie Brown's [it reminded me of all of the people who did Zeke's Ride]. I went with Ash and Crystal (my roommate) as well as 1 other girl and 3 guys from church. I think the thing I appreciated the most about it was seeing that there doesn't have to be a dichotomy between drinking responsibly and Jesus. We actually witnessed to a guy who was there. It was pretty cool actually. This guy had some things in common with Mike, one of the kids from my church, so they were able to lay some ground work. It was good. Besides that, we had a lot of opportunities to get to know one another better. We shared some of our best awkward & embarassing moments.

I never fully realized that I don't really have any embarassing moments. It's intriguing really. How can I not have embarassing moments? I did finally have one just yesterday! I was coming out of the front office after sitting in a chair to get a drink of water. I made it from the office to the drinking fountain and finally my friend Jim told me that my dress was stuck in my leggings. Praise Jesus for the fact that I was actually wearing leggings. It would have been really embarassing had I not been! :)

I'm working on studying for my clep exam that I will take a week from tomorrow. I ask for your prayers that I would be able to pass the test because I have studied well. !

On that segway - I'm going to get back to studying now.

Blessings!

Must be.

2009-04-13T00:12:00.003-06:00

I have noticed that I tend to make posts at nighttime when in reality I should be close to sleeping.

I'm impressed with people as of late. Sometimes they just surprise you.
On Saturday afternoon I went to my church to meet up with some of the other attenders. We then went out and canvassed the neighborhoods to invite people to come to our Easter service. I went with Brad, a 20 year old Denver native, and we started out knocking on doors. But we just weren't really feeling it. So, we just started to walk around - go where we felt led and so on. In the midst of this God was working. It's amazing the way things begin to work out. We met a few people, mostly homeless. We handed out little pieces of paper that told of what we were going to be doing, but that wasn't the extent of our works.

We went up to two homeless people in the park next to our church and handed out flyers to them. They came this morning. Now, as far as I know they didn't stay for the service, but we did provide them with a most delicious breakfast and friendly hospitality. We did what we could, and now God has to work in them. The seed has been planted, and that was what we wanted.

Next we walked around and saw parts of the city we've never seen before. It was good. That was when we met Vincent. He was a cute old man, with yellow eyes and crooked and missing teeth. We talked with him for a few minutes. We gave him a sheet and told him we would love to see him. He was a fantastic man. We asked if we could pray for him but he said no. It was okay, though. God was doing a work in him and still is. I was sad that he didn't make it to church this morning. I have been praying for him off an on throughout the entire day. I miss him. When we left him, we both gave him big hugs. My heart went out to him.

As we left him and continued to try and feel where we were supposed to be going, we ran across more people. Some young 20 guys playing a game of pickup in a little park. We gave them the flyers, but I could tell that they weren't feeling it. It was rather awkward, but I'm still glad we intiated some kind of contact with them. Who knows what God will grow in them in the coming months or years.

I felt that God was using us the whole time. It was amazing to get out and talk with people and to offer up help if we could. One of the last stops we made before we headed back was at a house with a lady coming out of the door. At first Brad and I walked past her but I felt God saying, "go to her." It was kind of a mutual unspoken decision between Brad and I to go back. We did and gave it to her. She, Telula, told us that she acutally attended Providence [how cool is that?] and that she was planning on going anyway. We were about to leave when Telula asked if either of us had $5 or $10 bucks that we could give her. Neither Brad nor I had any money on us, but Brad was gracious enough to run back to his car and grab some for her.

So, while he ran there I stayed with Telula and asked her about her life and her situation. She told me about her life, that she was currently homeless but recieved deceased widow benefits and that she had a voucher for section 8 housing. We talked a little more and I told her that I would worked for the DRM and that I would probably be able to help her. So I got some more information about her life and wrote it down. While we were talking, two men that she knew came up and were also asking me questions. Here is the strange part... One of the men that had come up to us was at DRM the previous Thursday and I actually had sat in on intake with him and Steff. We were not able to provide the help that he needed because he did not qualify for our program but I had felt a strong inkling to help him but I wasn't able to act upon it at that time. Isn't it curious that the Lord would bring him back into my life?

I told him that I would look into a few options and that I would get back to him sometime this week. So, after I came back to the Crossing last night, I went to my office [where I now currently sit] and looked up a few different options for him. It's still a work in progress, but I feel like it is something that I needed to do. After that Brad and I walked back to Providence and proceeded to go our separate ways. He was going to take the two guys that we had just met out for a sandwich and I was going to Ashley's house to hang with Seabrooke [yes, that is her real name...] for a while.

Then, to add more wood to the fire, I saw him again this morning after coming back from the church's easter egg hunt! Might I add that Denver is not a small city. There are many parts to it. I was impressed with seeing him again. I do not believe that things are coincidence
Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous.
So I am pushing on and am continuing to look for housing options for him.

With that in mind, could I ask for your prayers? I want to glorify God in this and the only way I know how is to seek him and to ask for his guidance and grace. I would love to be able to find housing for this man, but I know that there are a few factors that may inhibit this process and I would just like for God to be in the midst of it. I would also like prayer for myself, that I would learn of the best places to refer people and to be able to compile a list and a relationship with other case managers around here. That I would be able to effectively convey the message of the crossing to those who need it and that I would become a competent case manager.
Blessings,
Am

Life Won't Always Be This Way

2009-04-04T21:06:00.003-06:00

That's a funny concept to think about, yes? That life won't always be this way.
Life and the living is well these days. Sure, there are some things that weigh me down, but it all works out in the end. How wonderful to know that; that TRULY in the end, we win. GOD wins. It's fantastic. :)

I'm working on writing a paper right now for my Social Welfare Policies class. It's a bit rough going, I guess. I'm just trying to do it and do it well. and soon. Things are catching up to me and will continue to do so until graduation. There is so much work to do between now and then, it can be a bit overwhelming. But then I remember to take it one step at a time and it gets better.

Right now I am beginning to look for a job that will help me sustain the lifestyle here.

It's been tougher than I thought to make $140 a month.

I have credit card bills to pay along with a phone bill.

that doesn't leave me much for spending money...

Oh well - what's a girl to do? Find a job and stop complaining, that's what :)

So on that note; I have been looking into jobs.

I kind of applied for one this weekend as a weekend residential coordinator through VAC.

I don't know if I'm qualified for that...we shall see.

It would be very good experience for me.

I have also been looking into part time nanny jobs.

Starting on Monday I switch internships.

I'll be working with STAR [Strategic Transitional Assistance & Response].

There I will be a case manager and will be able to put my

social work skills to work.

It will be a nice change. I was starting to get a smidge bored with Champa.

It was hard having only one kid in the program I was working in.

This last week I felt like I wasn't really needed.

And when I don't feel like my services are needed-

I don't feel obligated to go to work.

It's not a good situation.

Nope, nope, nope

Well, I should prolly get to working on this paper.

Or get to sleeping.

Leaving for church at 8:40 tomorrow morning...

I stayed up until 3 last night

perhaps not the best choice.

But slept til 1 this afternoon.

that was a better choice.

most definitely.

Good, good, good or good?

2009-03-14T20:06:00.006-06:00

Good is life & life is good.
I know - it doesn't make any sense and I'm not sure that I would be pleased if it did.

Did you know: there are 45 definitions for the word GOOD in the dictionary. How is that possible you say. I myself am not quite sure. Could you imagine understanding the difference and applying that to the word every time you used it?

I can't.

In the past two weeks, I have seen 3 different movies in the theaters. Marley & Me, New In Town & InkHeart. They have all had good parts in them. And I don't feel bad about seeing them since, after adding the three prices up, I've only spent $11. CRAZY, yes? Yes, considering that I spent $10 on one of them alone, and a mere $ .50 on each of the other two. Oh, and before that, I saw a movie in February: Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I'm not even ashamed to say that I liked it a little bit...

I enjoy $ .50 movies! I don't even mind the fact that they are a little bit older.

Growing up, we rarely went to see movies in the theater.

We waited until they came out on DVD so we could rent them.

I like seeing movies in theater.

I also like writing in small type.

Life is treating me well right now. There are definitely times when I like to complain - mostly about the lack of car, but honestly I've got it good here.

Not gonna lie.

Last night was one of my most eventful nights since I've been here.

And by eventful I mean where I've done the most different things

and that I've stayed up the latest.

I went with Ashley & Candace to what I like to refer to as SAG

Single's Awareness Group.

Which it wasn't by any means.
Well, I guess that it did kind of make me aware that I am single,

but not in a depressing kind of way.

This was actually a young adult night put on by the worship pastor of Providence

Who also happens to be from Michigan.

We had a good chat about that.

and Minnesotan accents, don't-cha-know.

After that, I left rather hurriedly because we

[Pearson, Crystal, Isaiah, Isaiah's friend, myself and SeaBrooke]

were going to go to Red Rocks and hang out a lil.

SeaBrooke & Isaiah both drove and we wound up racing.

SeaBrooke, Crystal & I won, of course.

I would never ride in a losing car.

And I made a new friend in SeaBrooke

I enjoy new friends!

So much!

Well Red Rocks was FREEZING! but it was lots of fun.

Pearson brought her guitar and Isaiah's friend, Will, played it for us a bit.

He's good at guitar which was nice.

Singing in the Ampitheater was fantastic!

The sound was amazing.

As was the view of the city of Denver from there.

Which I wish I would have gotten a picture of. :[

After we left Red Rocks, we raced to The Shoppe -

a sweet Cereal Bar/Cupcake Shoppe.

It's greatness in the making, of that I am sure :D

We were there until closing - which is 2 am!

I am going out on a limb to say that this was the longest I have stayed up since I've been in Denver.

It's kind of AMAZING mixed with SAD and DISAPPOINTING.

I have been through all of those little emotions.

But you do what you can, I reckon.

So, yes. That was my night.

It was good [advantageous; satisfactory for the purpose]

Life is still beautiful...

2009-03-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

...even when we mistake it for being ugly and nasty.

I think there is something about looking past what seems to be to strive for a glimpse of what is really just hidden most of the time.

I was riding the bus home on Wednesday [I had to work the midday shift, instead of the regular late afternoon shift] and I was reminded of how good people still are. We had rounded the corner and as we were doing so and heading to the next stop, people in the triangle were making oversized give-me-your-attention motions. They were letting the bus driver know that the man wheeling across the way in his wheelchair (wc) was headed to our stop to get on.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that a man wheeling a wc is fast, but not super fast. So, I looked over out the window and I see a younger homeless man jogging the guy in the wc to the bus stop. It was such an honestly nice gesture it brought a huge smile to my face!

The man was a really haggard looking fellow, old and a bit decrepid [it's the truth!] with this big white beard. He boarded the bus and flirted with the bus driver a little bit, who flirted right back, might I add ;) This man had the greatest spirit - he was just talking to all sorts of people on the bus and waving at a baby who was smiling and cooing right back at him. :o) I was very much surprised to see how loving and gentle this man was.

After he had gotten on, we made a little bit of small talk. He asked
me something but I didn't hear him so I say, "yeah" like in a questioning sort
of way.

He reiterated what he said and I actually heard him this time,
"Can I have a kiss?"
I kind of chuckled and shook my head while saying,
"No"
"I thought that was too easy," he replied.

It was one of the cutest things ever, I think. Soon after this, he got off to transfer to a different line to get to the airport. I do not know if this man was homeless or not. I wish that I would have asked him more questions and talked with him some more. He had on Western Michigan gloves and I really just wish I would have asked him about it. Maybe he was from Michigan and then we could have had a common bond - we do live in an all too entirely connected world :)

I keep hoping that one day I'll get to see him again, but I've never seen him before and I think it's not all too entirely possible, but God is good and it could happen.

I find that I see a lot of beauty on the bus. Granted, there is a lot of vulgarity too, but I am a firm believer that beauty, grace and goodness can outweigh any of the dirty and nasty things that life can sometimes throw at us. There are always way that people surprise me on the bus: the way they get up to let someone else sit in their seat; people who help secure the strollers that might come on the bus; the list really is endless. It just seems that every time I ride the bus, though it hasn't been much, I catch myself smiling a little bigger and feeling my heart expand a little f u r t h e r.

How is it that we serve such a GREAT God?

Recently I went to an all-staff meeting with DRM & they presented a chapter of a book entitled How to Keep it Once You've Got It; at least that was the name of the chapter. Basically it was saying that we need to ask God to do three (3) things with us every day when we wake up.

Stretch Me

do the impossible - ask God to stretch me in new & humbling ways
allow me to serve God to glorify Him
[GLORIFICATION]

Ruin Me

Break my heart
God messed me up - he consumed me
Get rid of the emotional shell - it's risky but worth it
Feed the hurt - let it grow; God will provide for us
[VULNERABILITY]

Heal Me

Ask God to take me and make me new
Learn to relax
Stop giving into pleasure - even pleasing people
[PLEASE GOD]

They went further and applied this to the the meaning of what we do at Denver Rescue Mission. Who we are and why we're here

:: We are an ambassador for Jesus Christ and a servant to the poor
:: Changing lives in the name of Christ
:: Meeting people at their spiritual & physical point of need
:: For those who are willing, we offer practical programs to provide productive & self-sufficient citizenship

6 goals:

.intentional outcome
.opportunity to know who God is and how He operates
.skills to live in community
.justice for all - same rules & policies for everyone
.good learning environment
&
.clear expectations

Proverbs 3:7, :13-14 & :27 (italics World English Bible, WEB, version) [Bible in Basic English, BBE, version]

x. 7 Don't be wise in your own eyes [Put no high value on your wisdom:]. Fear Yahweh [let the fear of the Lord be before you], and depart from evil [and keep yourself from evil].

x. 13 Happy is the man who finds wisdom [Happy is the man who makes discovery of wisdom], the man who gets understanding [and he who gets knowledge]. 14 For her good profit is better than getting silver [For trading in it is better than trading in silver], and her return is better than fine gold [and it's profit greater than bright gold].

x. Don't withold good from those to whom it is due [Do not keep back good from those who have a right to it], when it is in the power of your hand to do it [when it is in the power of your hand to do it].

God has called us to be faithful to Him!

A few hours at the zoo!

2009-02-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

The penguins were perhaps my most favorite animals...

There were so many of them and they were just so cute.

We didn't get to see them swim, though and that was

a scotch disappointing!

We tried to get them to swim, though!;

To no avail...

Contrary to popular belief,

the humps in camels do not contain water

only fat to help them survive when they can't find food...

Lions, lions everywhere!

Well, maybe not so much.

I love the Rhino!

I nicknamed him Rippy the Rhino

- he was a grand fellow :)

Sea Lions @ the zoo.

They are so much fun & are busy little guys!

I like this picture of the girls :)

They were so into watching the elephants

It was cutesey!

There were 2 sloths in with the birds!

I thought it was pretty cool.

The elephants were covering themselves with dust - and I took a video of it. It's amazing how they maneuver, ps!

It was free day at the zoo on Tuesday and we take every free day we can get! It was good, it was a little on the packed side, but good nonetheless :) It was nice and sunny& I even got a titch of sunburn :D ALWAYS a good thing ;)

And the census states...

2009-02-23T13:05:00.001-07:00

I was at Wells Fargo cashing my payroll check (thankfully, because I didn't have any cash for the bus ride back) and my teller looked at my drivers license and said, "Yay for Michigan."

This led me to believe that she was indeed from Michigan,

which turned out to be way right :)

I asked her where she was from and she said Kalamazoo

and I told her that I was from South Haven.

She also went on to say that went to South Haven

every summer

[go figure].

I asked her if how long she had been

here in Denver and whether she liked it.

She has been here for just over

4 months & said that it was

nice but people were different here.

And I knew

EXACTLY

what she meant!

We came to the conclusion that:::

...that it is the altitude that does things to these silly Colarodians [colla-rod-e-ens]. I would bet that nearly everytime I smile at a random stranger on the sidewalk, on the bus, or anywhere else for that matter [with the exception of Wal*Mart strangely enough] people either don't smile back, don't acknowledge my existence or look at me like I grew two separate heads. I don't really understand.

It's funny to be able to have this kind of conversation at a bank telller window. There was more, like how she had lived in ATL for the past 7 years for school and stuff. It's amazing the things you can learn when you talk to people :] What if everyone talked this much? Sheesh!

Grape vines && Bulletin Boards

2009-02-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

This week has been interesting. We didn't have any school here on Monday because of President's Day so that was nice having a day off yet still being able to count it. My first week I worked 34 hours. The second: 39. This week I will have worked over 40 hours so I will have some time off in the next couple of weeks. It's crazy that I am already three weeks into this. It's good though. I am learning so much and really enjoying all of the time I am spending here.

Life at the crossing has been good, too. The only thing that has been kind of weird has been the fact that I haven't really gotten out and about much. The bus is kind of expensive - $2 one way and that doesn't include long transfers. But, there is not much I can do about it, so I just suck it up and deal. There is a walmart down the road so I walk to it at least once a week. It's good exercise and it's not a bad walk either. I would like to get out and explore downtown a little more, but I really just wish I had a car. I know that it would make everything SO much easier and allow me to be more mobile. I guess that one cannot look a gift horse in the mouth - I think that's what they say. ;)

But truly, that would be my biggest complaint being here right now is not going out so much. It might sound silly but I promise this is NOT something to be taken lightly. Haha; being an extrovert I need to get out and be around people and be able to LAUGH and have FUN. And for the most part, if I am at the crossing, I am either eating with the other interns or being a bum in my room watching cable tv or something silly like that.

I have been printing off biology stuff lately to start studying with. It's a very good thing - I am going to be taking the test sometime while I am here so studying now is key. I also found an online english class that work with the arbor and will transfer in time for me to for sure graduate on time! YAY!!

Well, I need to post on blackboard and get ready for the kiddies to come in, so it's goodbye time for me for now

Blessings

That's me, that's me... picture post!

2009-02-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be my 2 full week being here, is that exiting or what?! I think so :D

Since Sunday I haven't really done much in the way of getting out and about. with the exception of going to the Children's Museum! It was so much fun and the kids REALLY enjoyed it!

Zach with the stuffed toy

that almost looks real!

It's like he's never

Seen a dog in his life;

the look on his face!

Zach the fireman!

At the Museum, the kids have all sorts of opportunities to dress up as different professions. They even had a working firetruck with lights and everything

Zach the choo-choo man & Bella the choo-choo fella ;)

Amy & eye

At the Children's museum to celebrate Valentines Day, they had a craft area where the kids could make all sorts of animals using hearts. This was T'sheila's [pronounced Chay-luh] lobster :)

These were some of the animals the kids could choose from::

This was part of the playhouse area. There is a huge ant hill that the kids can climb down in and crawl around then get out from one of the various exits. So fun! They also had all sorts of animal costumes for kids to wear. This is Zach the squirrel

A rare shot of all three of these rambunctious kids together! I love these three, they are so fun to be around :D

Always the exciting time! It was a great day for all of us!

The day that never ends!

2009-02-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Today was a very good daaayyyyy!

Ashley didn't need me to pick her up, instead she got a ride to the Crossing from her pastor from the prayer meeting. I was still up early, though. Then I went back to bed for a few hours :) It was good. I felt like I was back in exam mode, not getting a lot of sleep. I kind of miss it, but it's nice to be on a schedule now!

I went with three of the other interns to breakfast this morning at ihop, which happens to be just down the road. It was delicious food, but there was so much! There was a guy there making balloon animals. I don't know that this is a regular occurance but it was kind of fun to watch. The guy making them was a little creepy looking, and I know that it's mean to judge someone that way, but I still thought it. :-/

After the delicious food, we went back to the crossing and Candace & I put on our fake nails that we bought :) It was fun to be silly and girly for a little bit. I have decided that I do like wearing fake nails, but my fingers don't really like to wear them. It is also hard to do things with them on, like pulling up ones pants. I don't know, maybe it's just me malfunctioning. It's very plausible.

I got to go to the art museum today! A few of us interns went, we're becoming a fun little group sometimes. Sometimes they are not so fun and cause me to become bored. I need to be out doing things, and a lot of the time, I don't get to go out and be stimulated and then I get kind of cranky & restless.

The art museum was really good, I enjoyed it, the only bad part was my decision to wear heels there. Haha, but I will use any situation that lets me wear heels and run with it; figuratively of course :D I enjoy museums, but I like to go my own pace and look at things I want to look at. I don't like to wander around with big groups, I prefer to take it in and process it on my own. There were a lot of interesting pieces there. The one that struck me the most was a feminist piece, though it wasn't for the feminism side to it. It was a really amazing piece.

Isn't it interesting & fascinating? I am sure you can figure out what it is a representation of, but what I didn't know -and perhaps I'm the only one who didn't- that women who either didn't have money to do it, or where it was illegial, would perform their own aboriton. I cannot even fathom that!

There were also other good exhibits. Another one I liked had photos that were candidly real. It was pretty cool to see life as it is and not how peopel want to necessairly portray it, if that makes sense.

One other thing of importance that I did today was eat dinner. Amy, my super, invited a few of us over to her house to eat dinner. She made us beef fajitas and they were delicious! Mmmmmm. It was a good night. After eating dinner we watched 3:10 to Yuma, the new one with Christian Bale in it. I like that movie alot and makes me thing that a movie doesn't have to have a happy ending to make it a good movie.

The entirety of the day was spent with good people, good times & fun moments!

"Another suitor for the princess"

2009-02-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

My weekend has been one of adventerous proportions!

It started off Thursday, like I've already written about and it's has been expanded to the majority of my weekend, which I really enjoy!

So Friday I did the whole work thing, and it was good. The kids who attend are only here for 1/2 the day and then they go with their mothers. Let me explain this a little further. As I said before there are 5 phases of the program. During the first phase, the kids of the mothers have to attend our program if they are between the ages of 6 months & 5 years. Right now there is one exception because one the children cannot get the appropriate funds to go to regular school. It's kind of a messed up subject; perhaps I will explain it in another time.

On Wednesday's and Friday's these mothers don't have any afternoon going-ons; it's like their free time. During the week, they don't really get out of the house because they are still in phase one. This means that they stay here at Champa and attend the LEC - Literacy and Education Center to work on different things that help determine their literacy, academic and career skills, etc. Along with that, they also go to life skills classes. During this phase, they have the ability to leave the building for 4 hours a day, so long as they are going somewhere with another mother who is in a higher phase.

Everytime they change phases they get more incentives. A later curfew, more free time, etc. It's a really neat program in the way that it is structured, I think.

After work on Friday, I went back to the Crossing and relaxed for a little and then went for dinner. I am surprised at how much better the food there is than in the DC for the most part. There are sometimes when it's not very good, but unlike in the DC - here it is free for me. :) After dinner I decided to go to a prayer meeting with Candace at 10 pm. Ashley, Candace's super, was one of the leaders at this meeting so we went with her before hand at like 7:30 or 8 into town to the church. Ashley [who coincidentally went to college in Michigan] was headed to the Chris Tomlin concert before the prayer meeting and she asked us if we wanted to use her car to drive around and of course we told her no. Just KIDDING. I jumped at that chance like it was my job :D So, we got to take her car and drove around downtown a little bit, then we decided to park it. So we put an hour's worth of quarters in and went on our way.

We walked around 16th street and checked out all the cool stops. It was nice to walk around and see downtown life on a saturday night. On 16th street they have all of these people who have adult-like strollers attached to their bikes to drive peopld around and they are pretty cool. Apparently whenever Candace goes out to places, boys always hit on her and this was no exception :) One of the bike guys asked us if we wanted a ride and since I like to make things awkward for my friends, I made us say yes and away we went. He talked to her the whole time, it was kind of pathetic. :) He asked her if she skied or anything and she said that she snowboarded. He responded with, "It's okay, I'll forgive you". HAHAHAH. It was so funny, so luckily I needed to buy some Q-tips and there was a walgreens right on the corner so we told him to take us there and then we went in.

There was also a big commotion on 16th street and cops were all over the place. I wanted to find out what was going on so I put my nosy ears on and listened to what people were saying. It was somethign about a family and the dad did something to the mom and daughter and I don't really know, at all. Actually. I was a bad eavesdropper. I was a little disappointed in myself ;) We did, however, make up a sweet list of things that we need to do before we are done here. ps, Candace leaves the 27th of March. What am I going to do without my little exploration buddy?! I don't really know. Oooooh, I am going to dye my hair soon. I am excited. :D

So, we eventually had to go back to the church for the meeting and we get to the car and I said, "what the crap is that?" Maybe it wasn't that exact word, but it was close enough. Yep, you guessed it; the crap was actually a parking violation. Our meter expired on us! And we were so careful, too. It was for 25 stinking dollars! Holy moly. It was 100 times what it would have cost us to throw an extra quarter in for 15 more minutes - which would have given us time to get back and not have a ticket. We haven't told Ashley about it yet, we will when we have the money to pay it.

The prayer meeting was awesome. It was so nice to get back into that atmosphere. It wasn't a pray all of the time prayer meeting, it was more like a praise/read scripture/pray through scripture/ pray for a bunch of different things/write down your own prayer kind of thing. It was good, but Candace and I left just 3 hours into it (it went until 6 am). I am going to start memorizing scripture, starting with Galatians 6:8. I think that this verse is an important verse to remember [For he who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption. But he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.] I know that this is something I need to be reminded of daily, if not hourly. It's so easy to forget to be intentional with what we say and do, and I have decided that I need to be intentional about being intentional.

After that, we took Ashley's car back to the Crossing and she's picking it up in the morning. This was a GOOD day!

Days Go By

2009-02-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like a big conundrum. It seems that the hours go by slowly yet the days go rather quickly. It almost saddens me because I feel like I am taking the days for granted, but really I'm not...hmmm

Thursday was a really good day :) After I got picked up by Amy, my super [supervisor], and got to work, I had the first hour to sit around and not really do anything. It was good. I was able to take the kids to the park when they got here, and that was fun. The park is a good place to be a kid, I think. I'm pretty sure that was a great part of my childhood. Kid's Corner will always hold a place in my heart!

We also got to go to story time at the library!It was fantastic. Really, who doesn't love story time. The lady reading the stories was really dynamic and all the kids there loved it. It was nice also because I got to see a little more of downtown. I am kind of liking this city girl thing that I'm working on.

I went out to eat today, a cute little Mexican restauraunt with my super and another intern who has been here for a while. The food was good, I got a taco salad only because of the fact that it came with guacamole which on its own was an extra 3.50. It was delicious guacamole, too! It was nice to get to know both of these girls on a little bit of a different level. I really do like getting to know people and sometimes I wish I was a little better at it. Seriously.

The rest of the day was good at work, the kids were well behaved for the most part and it was just a good rest of the day. The drive home was good - it has been so nice outside lately. It reminds me of SoHo, at least the sunshine and the warmth part of it, but there are two ways that it is not SoHo-y. First, no lake. That is what I miss the most by far, and the more than glorious sunsets. Second, no humidity. I must say that I do not miss that part at all. I don't get super sweaty when I walk around outside now. It's a huge plus!

I went on an adventure after dinner last night! It was nice to get out and figure out a little more of the bus/light rail predicament. The boyfriend of Candace [our Canadian intern :D] is coming to stay here for a week or 10 days or something and he needed a place to stay. Candace's Super, Ashley, said that he could stay at her parents house in Littleton. So, I went with Candace to figure out how to get from The Crossing to Littleton. We only went the wrong way once, and it wasn't too far out of the way. It was nice because we were able to fix our mistake right away and get on the light rail going the right way :)

This was us trying to get the station name [18th & California]. This is us clearly failing.

My official day at work: day 2

2009-02-04T14:14:00.001-07:00

I think I am liking this day more and more. It's my second day here at champa and Wednesdays are different from the rest of the days. I don't come in until 2pm and I leave at 10. It's different because I don't do the child sitting that I do MTH&F. I come in and while staff is in a meeting I sit and answer phones calls that come in referring to interest in the program, donations, volunteers, etc. I also am able to answer the door for people who either need to get into the house or who are here for orientation, to fix things, etc. It's nice to be in a different kind of pace. To do something that I haven't done before and to help in a way that may sometimes seem more tangible is nice.

So far, in the last 20 minutes I have answered a total of 4 phone calls and I think I've done pretty well with them!

Let me tell you a little bit about the program that I am working with.
(CH) is a part of the (DRM). CH is for women 18 years and older who have children under the age of 12 that struggle with poverty and homelessness. It is a long term transitional housing program that can last between 1 to 2 years. Some of the program goals here at CH are furthering education, gaining and improving on life skills, securing a job and growing spiritually.

I really like this program becuase when women come here, they have to pay a fee monthly, $90 for the women and $30 for each child. If the women complete the program, they get back every dollar of money that they put in here. This is a really cool thing when you learn the rest of the story. The cool thing about CH and the (NLP) is that when the ladies [in Champa's case] graduate, they are thrown a party, receive help in finding an apartment, get to go to the Mission's warehouse and pick out furniture and anything else they need to make their apartment a home, PLUS they get a free CAR!

DRM & CH just strive to do all that they can do to make sure that the women who graduate out of this program are able to become self-sufficient women for their children. It is something that is kind of radical. Never have I heard of program that does this, though I could just be uninformed. Whatever it is, I think this program is fantastic.

Well, it's back to work!

Blessings

My First Official Day!!

2009-02-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

SOOOO, my computer is dead, but the good news is that I am now working so I have internet access everyday && I added mobile web to my phone so I will be able to be on quite often :) Not on here, perhaps, but online in general.

I officially started my first day today. It's been good, but so far it's nothing that I haven't ever done before. It was nice to be able to actually work and do something other than nothing for the first time in 6 days. Is it sad that I would say something like that? YIKES.

I am officially a working girl, though it's different it still feels like something that is a real job. I have to get up at a regularly scheduled time and I have to catch the bus to work. Then I come here and I do what I am supposed to do, eat lunch at a scheduled time, then go back to work, and then it's a wait until the bus. BUT something I am SUPER excited about is the fact that my supervisor, aka field instructor, aka Amy lives close to the crossing [where I am staying] and has offered to take me home whenever she is able to and also pick me up in the mornings. Which means that I don't have to take the bus the rest of the week. Exciting, yes? I think so! :D

The Crossing is a super place to be and I enjoy my roommates though I'm closer to one than the other just because the one hasn't been around a lot. It's good though, it's nice to meet new people and to make connections with them. I like people, it's true.

Well, I have to walk to my bus stop. :)

Blessings

So be it

2009-01-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

:D I will arrive in Denver in just under 18 hours if everything goes according to plan.

I am becoming more excited about it the closer it gets. I am sure that it is going to feel surreal when I arrive, but I will get used to it quite soon after.

I am finishing my packing tonight, I've already done two loads of laundry and am going to pack 3 suitcases. 1 to be carried on and 2 to be checked. I was hoping to keep it down to 2 suitcases, but I am quite alright with 3. I think I have everything packed, with the exception of my printer which will be mailed out to me at a later date.

I will leave my house by 7 am, I think. Which is something I am not entirely looking forward to. :] It's too early! I fly out of Chicago tomorrow at 11:55 am, CST; 12:55 EST. I will arrive in Denver at 1:35 MST which is 3:35 EST. All together my flight will take 2:40 minutes. It will be delightful, of that I am sure. Steff is going to pick me up from the airport and I check in at The Crossing around 4. I'm not sure what I'll be doing in-between everything, but it will figure itself out.

I found out yesterday, that I will be the only intern working with Champa House, which is kind of exciting and foreboding at the same time. Everything will be on me, which is kind of scary, but what the exciting part is thinking about all of the contacts that I am going to make and how close I will get with everyone.

Well, it's 7:46 right now and I am tired to beat all. I'm going to watch a movie, finish packing, and get to bed way early.

I'll talk with you soon!
See you Around.
Blessings,
Ama