Laziest days =o]

I enjoy days when i can sleep in. Today I slept in without worry until 11:00. It was joyous. 

I had a strange dream right before i woke up. I was at home and it was during the summer because there were tornados. It was just like i was at home - [mostly] everything in it's rightful place. The one difference was that pops was there and he had just returned from duty and was tired and maybe injured. not sure. 

before the tornado part, it was a little weird. maybe I was at the Beach with the fam or somewhere and I leaned over pops and told him that I loved him and then he said that he loved me too but that he didn't always like me and then I laughed and told him the same thing... [weird.]

anyway, back to the tornados - there were a few of them outside in different areas - one more to the north of Soho, one to the direct and very far away west, and then one came behind the house. I was watching this one and it came really close to the house and I screamed at everyone to get in the basement but no one did so I sat on the stairs - I think ana had come over by then - we we huddled on the bottom step of the stairs - [which would have been really dumb because it was right by the tornado.] I was really pissed at pops because he was just laying on his bed not going to the basement or anything and I was angry that he was just laying there and would have died if the tornado came that way. 

and then I woke up.

sometimes i think about the past in that I never said goodbye to pops before he died.  I sometimes get really angry and upset by the fact that he died and I wasn't there to see him. And also by the callousness of mom's greeting when I got there. And then I wonder if Anna [RD] knew that he had already passed away when she received the phone call.  But then I get mad at myself for not really saying goodbye to what was left of pops. For not shedding any tears. For not showing any emotion. After all of that I wonder why God's plan was not to have me there to see Dad's ending. And because I've never asked about it, I wonder about Andrew and what he saw and how he felt and if he cried. 

All of these things cause me to want to be more of an emotional person, more vulnerable, but the truth is I just can't do it. Not by myself - I need God to work a great miracle in me in order to accomplish this.

Since 2004 I can count on two hand the times when i've really seen any semblance of crying or bawling come from me. 

tracey's funeral - singing amazing grace when putting her physical body in the ground

at sau finding out dad had cancer - during a period of depression and great sadness

kyle's memorial service at SAU - right after pops was diagnosed with cancer - sang 

the bucket list - the end of the movie  - seizing on the ground [reminded me of pops]

talking to alan about all of dad's stuff - reliving the fact that I wasn't there to say goodbye

when E-Shaw passed away - breaking down from everything that had happened in that past week

It's a little crazy. I didn't cry when dad passed away or at his funeral or anything... not around family or friends or acquaintances... I don't think I've even been a real crier-type of person, but I still want to be. Hahaha, not sure if that is weird or not but it is what it is.

There was always, and still is, a tattoo that I wanted. It says "I am what I am by the grace of God". It just reminds me that I am where I am and have become who I am because of God and his guiding and leading and that I should not wish to be different or have lived a different life because then I wouldn't be what I am now. that is pretty inspiring to me. even in the wake of the above written blog. 

A day of hopeful change

God is good :)

Today, much later today, I have two interviews. One is for a potential 2 day a week nannying position though that is not definite as there is already a person who has it - I am only backup incase that person falls through.
Second I have an interview at the Brandon Center which is part of the Volunteers of America. This is a shelter for women and children (I would mostly be working with the single women) as an overnight residential coordinator (or a glorified watchmen). It would be 30 hours a week, Friday nights, Saturday night, and Sunday nights from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m. While this isn't my first pick with their organization, I will take it if it is offered to me! I can't be picky when I don't have a job and a perk of this place is that I will be able to use my social work skills! I applied for this about two months ago and it's nice to finally see some fruit starting to bloom.

While I'm not going to hold my breath and put all of my hope into this, I will see this interview as a definite chance to actually getting a job! For that I am very excited and hope that this pans out. The pay is good, and I would make decent money even though it's only a PT 30 hour/week job. Plus, if I were able to get the PT nannying job, I would love it.

Lots of good things are happening in my life right now :) Just waiting to see how all will pan out and praying that I'll walk away with a job offer in the next few days. I'm just waiting to see how God is going to work through this situation.

I am waiting for SAU to get the tuition reimbursement check from DRM so that I can use it to put some money towards loans. I really have no idea how that will all work out, but we will see. God is providing for me so I don't have any worries about anything. I know that He works all things together for my good and His glory and I have seen so many of those fruits since being in Denver. From having a place to live right now for free and not really worrying about what is going to happen, to also allowing the McCall's to let me use their truck if I need to go places, when I want. And also providing me places to go and friendships to build and grow.

What is God teaching you?

Recap of my current situation.

My my my, it is late! Phew, I definitely need to get into a better sleeping routine!
This is what happens when i have wifi at my fingertips and a music downloading agent... YIKES!

Anyway, so, I figure an update of my life is very much called for.

I am still in Denver - have no plans to move on out yet : )
I am staying with a great family - Randy & Sheryl McCall at their house in Arvada for right now until I can get on my feet and find a job that pays so I that I can move into my own apartment or something like that... I have a nannying job in the works and would love for it to work out but then I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I haven't had a real job since December 18th. I've been looking for social workey jobs but have not had any luck. I have also tried looking for some other sorts of jobs like babysitting and so on. That has panned out semi-okay. I do a lot of babysitting for families at Providence. I have about 3 regular-ish families I sit for when needed. I have to say that even though I've not worked God has blessed me with enough money to pay my bills and even buy a few needed things - like some new clothes and other items.

I moved in with the McCall's this past Friday. My pride would love if I could move out by February but that is not something I can count on. God has been teaching me a lot of lessons like being patient and understanding that He knows what He is doing and does all things in His perfect timing. He has also been teaching me about my pride and that I need to learn to rely on other people and not feel bad for doing so. He has also been teaching me, though I fail quite miserably when it comes to this, about being vulnerable and open with who I am and the struggles that I am going through.

I have never been open with my situations - any one of my friends can testify that I ask them more questions about themselves and share less about myself in any given situation. The truth is I like to think that any problems I have are less important that other people's problems and feel that I tend to handle what I am going through better by myself. The other truth of this matter is the fact that I hate being vulnerable. I don't like to let people see what is going on with me and it's rather rude to be honest.

I am still involved with Providence -www.provcast.org & http://www.providencedenver.org. I really love the people who are there and consider them family and am privileged to know them and to interact with and love them. I am a member of the greeting team and also help in the toddler's room. 

I am no longer working at the DRM and I definitely miss it. I might look into volunteering there once and a while. I've gone over to TC a couple of times and love seeing people while I am there.

So, that's life for me in a nutshell.

Yet again...

my plans have proceeded to not be good plans and therefore have been spoiled.

I will not be living with Michelle anymore, as she needed to provide for herself and had a girl move in and sign the lease. While I knew that this was a possibility, it took me by surprise a little bit. IT was a little frustrating, but I know that God is using this time in my life to change me and refine who I am becoming. Part of this is my own fault for asking God to put His will into play in my life. If you want things to not get a little crazy, don't ask Him for his will to be done. :)

Still, I highly suggest asking Him to place it in your life. Yeah, things get a little crazy, plans get shredded and you often wonder what you've got yourself into, but God is a provider. He has this amazing way of letting things work out eventually, though not in the way your planned, or oftentimes even close to the way you pictured it in your mind.

Housesitting has been going well, I cannot at all complain. I just tend to lose track of what the date is... After Thursday (which I now know as being two nights away including tonight) I will go and live with the McCall's until a further date.

I am still looking for a job but not with much luck. I am looking into going to grad school to pursue my MSW which should better allow me to find a "real job". I am also looking for babysitting jobs, and am finding quite a few of them through Providence. These have been a real blessing and most often unexpected. I have been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded by wonderful people who insist on blessing me even though my pride gets in the way and i don't ask for it.

I was recently given a $150 dollar check from a wonderful girl who felt the Lord put it on her heart to do so. That was a huge blessing that I hope to be able to bless others with.

Overall, I am learning a lot about myself and about God and what more could I ask for?

http://provcast.org/Provcast.org/Providence_Bible_Church_Podcast/Entries/2010/1/3_Forgiven_Part_2.html
--> GREAT sermon by Josh Larsen. It will really make you think!

Life and all of it's crazyness.

So, I am still a traversing person on the road to my own life.
I still am looking for a job, and while I'm not yet having much luck, I did get three leads that I am going to call on later today...

I am currently residing at the McCall household for one last night. Then, tomorrow i start a house-sitting gig for the Lanzen's. I will be there from tomorrow night until next Thursday the 7th. That is a blessing to have because I'm still not sure about living conditions...

I'm not sure what is going to happen with Michelle's right now. I'm stubborn and want to be able to stay there and pay her for this coming month, but then I'm also stubborn because I don't want to have to sell my stuff, but i will if I need to...I just put my digital camera up for sale on Craigslist. I figure that enough people have a camera so I don't need one...
I will be planning on selling my laptop next...I still have my Ipod Touch so that will work for me, at least for right now...

SO yeah, life is full of kinks that need to b e worked out but I still hold fast to the knowledge that God has my life under control and it will all work out eventually. I am not panicking or worrying about what is going to happen because it adds nothing to my life, rather it takes away from my joy and happiness. I know that God is my provider, He is my source and he will give me what I need when I need it in the time that I need it in. I am blessed to have a family here in Denver whom I love and who loves me. I have friendships with many people and I know that if I do need something, it will be provided for me from someone.

I attend a wonderful church with a wonderful body. I am growing in my faith and am having to live it out actively. I am being put to the challenge of letting my yes mean yes and my no mean no. I am able to help people out in tangible ways, though not yet financially. I know that one day it will all fall into place. I am actively seeking out ways to be resourceful and to support those who I call friends.

I am blessed to have a place to stay, food to eat, and people that care about my well-being.

Christmas miracles

This is not really a post about miracles that have already happened. It is about those that I would like to see happen.

I would love to be able to find a job. A FT job would be preferable, but I would go for a PT one, at least to start out with. I really just feel that God is calling me to wait on Him. He is the God of my life who decides to do things last minute, but just when they're needed. So, I know that He is going to provide an opportunity for me. I think he just wants me to focus on my last 9 days of work, and also my last days of this class. I just have to be patient, calm, and collected.

Other notes of interest in my life include getting ready to move into my very first, pay for rent, apartment. That is exciting in and of itself. It's going to be in Capitol Hill, which is one of the many areas of main-town Denver. I'm going to live with 2 great roommates, one of which is 8 years old. :) It's going to be an experience, but one that will be enjoyable.

Right now I'm struggling with the whole money thing. I need something to break to be able to pay my bills. I'm tired of living and only being able to pay the minimum's on my bills. I want to be able to pay two of my credit cards off and have the other one down low as well. I also want to be able to help my sister out with her Cross Cultural. But, this money thing won't break until the job thing does.

Speaking of money, I've recently been looking at the Crown Financial Ministries Money Map and would like to be able to do this while I am young and have a smaller amount of debt. The whole premise is paying off bills, creating a savings, and buying smart. This is a great thing to start since I am young.

The first step is emergency savings of $1000. Step two is to pay of credit cards and increase savings to one month's living expenses. Step three is paying off consumer debt (student loans) & increasing savings to three month's worth of living expenses. Step four makes you begin to save for major purchases (home, auto, etc.) and also for retirement, children education, and if I want to start my own business or something of that nature. Step five is buying a home that I can afford, begin prepaying the mortgage, and also investing wisely, whether in stocks or bonds or CD's or MMA's. The second to last step is paying off the mortgage, making sure I have enough money to cover children educational needs. the last and final step is making sure my retirement is funded.

I am excited about the potential my life has. Life is going to be different from that which I grew up in. My ultimate goal is to not have to worry about money matters, to make sure that I have enough to cover my needs and then enough to cover other people's needs, too. There are so many things that life can bring, it makes me very excited!

Life is a great thing to be able to explore.

If you would, please pray that I would be patient for God's timing. I am finding that the more I talk about his timing, the more nervous I become. The more people ask about what I'm doing next, or go on about what will happen if i don't get a job, the more nervous I become. Deep down I know that God is going to provide, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know what is going on, and by relying on God, it causes things to be taken out of my hands and out of my control...

ultimately, I understand that I need to "be strong & courageous." I should "not be frightened or dismayed for the Lord [my] God is with [me] wherever [I] go." (Holmsman Christian Standard Bible, Joshua 1:9).

Pray for this.

Frick

It is officially December - the busiest month of the year. In more ways than one, of course.
This month:
my internship ends
I move into a new place [where I will have to pay rent]
- With new roommates [Michelle & her daughter Kelbie]
I will live in a new part of Denver
I will ride different busses to get to where I need to go
I [hopefully!] will start a new job
I will make more money & pay off some debts
I will most likely not make it home for Christmas
I will enjoy Christmas in Denver
I will send out Christmas cards [which I have never done before]

Woot Woot!

A life and time of change!