Year 23

Yesterday I saw a fox! It was an adult fox, on the corner of Dover&52nd. I stopped my truck for about 30 seconds taking in it's glory. :) It made me want to watch the Fox and the Hound. I <3 that movie. That's all about the fox.

Today I bought my packzi's and they were delicious. I didn't stop to think of what I was doing, and I ordered a dozen of them, half glazed, half powder-sugared. I had 1.5 and gave the rest away. I also bought some pierogie's and they are delicious as well. I bought two ziplock bags of them, one is filled with a potato and cheese mixture, the other with a cabbage/mushroom mixture. They are delicious! Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! I tried one of each of them for lunch. I'm going to try and save them for when Ana comes here, but that may be hard to do...So, if worse comes to worst, we'll just go and buy some more.

I babysat today, as well. I got up early to make sure I got my packzi's and then went right after that to babysit. I was there from 8:45-6:20 this afternoon. It was a good day, a long day, but very much delightful. I got to watch 4 of the cutest little girls and had a blast. I can't wait for when it gets warmer so that when I babysit I can take the kiddos outside to play. Annnd, the money from this was good too, which makes it super nice!

I will soon be accomplishing another of my previous mentioned goals this week: go line dancing. A group of friends and I are going to go to the Grizzly Rose Thursday night (which happens to be ladies night) and just have a good 'ole time. I am so happy about this; I've been in Denver a year and still haven't gone line dancing. That is quite unacceptable...  Now it will change. I would love to go at least once a month. At least. I'm hoping to meet some new people while I'm there. I've really been craving ways to meet other people, who can bring some fun adventures into my life.

I really want this month to be the beginning of new life for me. To have this 23rd year be a year of adventure and excitement means a lot to me. I'm tired of living a boring life. I'm also tired of being the typical american who knows only one language and only cares about herself. I am striving to be a lover of people, a friend to those who want it, and a person who has more that just my self-interest in mind. Year 23 is going to be one of radical love accompanied by change within.

Future Decisions

I have a BIG decision to make in the coming weeks/months.
My mom really wants me to come home and live with her again, at least for a few months.
She is having some housing troubles and feels that having a "dependent" living there again will lessen some of the brunt (though I'm not entirely sure how). 
She informed me today that there is a lien on the house because of a truck that her and my dad bought ten years ago (which was repo'd because they couldn't pay for it). 
The lien is for $15,000. 


So, I have to decide if I can go back there and live with her for a few months. 
3-6 months, to be approximate.
I'm praying about this decision.
But, I know that if I go back I am going to be miserable.
For as much as my mom wants me back, she knows that we don't get along regarding anything.
We fight and argue all the time - nothing I do is ever good enough.
She makes stupid decisions and is too negative for me to understand or enjoy.


She misses having people around - it's only her in the house now.
She has a crappy dating life - she's never happy by herself and always needs to be in a relationship.
That is also the cause of strife among us...


I also do not miss my real hometown of Bangor.
I was just talking to my sister about how if I never lived there again I would be more than happy.
I see the life that some of the people I graduated with have there and it's not something that I desire.
I don't have a church home back there, and I would miss Providence sooooooooooooo much.


I'm a little upset that my mom wants me to leave my life and who I'm becoming to go back there, because she wouldn't do that for me. 
I would have to put my life, as I know it, on hold. 
And find a job somewhere around there.
I don't really have anyone I would call "friend" living there...
It's not at all something I want to go back to.


In the pit of my stomach I am dreading having to pray about this and decide what to do.
I'm scared I'm going to be like Jonah and have to go back to my version Ninevah. 
But, as much as I have no desire to go back, I know I have to listen to God's voice in this situation.
I have to pray about it and see what he says and follow Him in it.

Goals & Aspirations

So, I am making a list of somethings I want to do in the near future and also the far future. 

Some might call it a bucket list, others a "wish" list... Call it what you will, this is my to do list that encompasses the future - whatever it may be. tall aspirations, simple pleasures, you name it, it's there. 

So, here goes...

But seriously, it's small right now.

~ Go line dancing (went 2/18)

~ Learn spanish

~ See Blackhawk in concert @ The Grizzly Rose

~ Talk to 5 friends a week that I've not in a while on FB

~ fly Ana here for her SB weekend

~ find a paczki bakery by Tuesday (Succeeded! 2/16)

~ Spend more time in the Word

~ Start scrapbooking

~ Go home Feb 25-28 (bought plane ticket! 2/14)

~ Be a bartender

~ Visit all 50 states

~ Get more tattoos

~ Own a vehicle

~ Go on a cruise

~ Go on at least 1 road trip a year

~ Meet the love of my life

~ Get married on the beach

~ See the northern lights

~ Go stargazing with people I love

~ own a hammock

~ Go to 27 other countries (1 down)
~ Go tornado chasing
~ make a wind chime
~ Visit Poland
~ own a unique ceiling fan
~ visit a castle
~ Go on tour with a band!

a host of others will be added to this which will become my official list where things are added and checked off : )

Blessings & Thankfulness

So, looking back on my postings, I feel that I am portraying the wrong impression of myself or, at least, it's not the full picture of life for me.

I am blessed beyond all measure.
Life isn't keeping me down, it's me keeping life down.
Muting the fact that I have many options everyday.

There are so many things that I count as blessings that I am thankful for daily.

• My God who loves me and forgives me all the time
• Faith
• a FANTASTIC church body at Providence Bible church
• Jesus & The Resurrection
• Friends who are living all over the world teaching youngsters 
• Prayer
• Family back home
• SAU
• Family I've been adopted into here in Colorado
• Health that is decent right now
• LOVE
• The internet that helps keep me connected with friends and family
• Being able to pay my bills
• Awesome friends I've made
• People helping others
• The weather in Colorado
• Where I've been 
• Family Life Vineyard Church
• A place to live 
• A vehicle to drive when I need
• Fall Foliage
• Babysitting jobs that are handed to me
• A steady income of money
• Music
• People who care about my well being
• Ana
• Friends and family who are praying for me on a consistent basis
• Learning life lessons
• A great community group!
• Road trips
• DRM
• My God who restores me on a daily basis
• Pops
• Sunsets & Sunrises!
• The ability to read and write
• A college education
• Aunt Mary
• Sunshine!
• Crafts
• Michigan
• The Lake
• my brothers - Adam & Andrew
• Worship
• Candles
• Hot Cocoa
• Playgrounds
• Children
• Sleeping
• Trees 
• JOY
• Creation's beauty
• Randy & Sheryl McCall
• Pets

traversing towards destinations

I read a quote today that was really impactful: 
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain" -Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, page 100.


As of late, I've been thinking about my life and my desire to "have more fun" or make it more "worthwhile". After thinking on what I mean by these two phrases, I realize that life is what I make out of it. It's like making strawberry lemonade out of lemonade and strawberry Stoli rather than lemonade and actual strawberries. I would be bummed if I had to make it the natural way. Stoli makes it much more delicious, you know. But, I need to learn that just because I don't have the Stoli doesn't mean that I can't make strawberry lemonade at all, I just need to make it with the ingredients that i have. 


How often is it that life is more like an episode of Chopped -which for those of you who do not know, it's a Food Network show in which 4 chefs compete for a prize of $10,000. The whole premise is that they receive a basket of 3-4 foods out of which they have to make either an appetizer, a main course, or a dessert. None of the chefs know what these ingredients are until the time is on the clock and they have to race to make the food. These ingredients are obscure and always interesting. For a main course there could be duck breast, green onions, honey and ginger which, unless you are a good chef and can run with what you're given, it becomes quite difficult to make something that.- The same is true of life. we are thrown into these random situations and unless we have a good attitude about them and learn to ride with the current instead of struggling against it, we will not do well. 


I keep thinking - oh, when I get a car life is going to be better; when I have my own place I'll have lots of people who will come over and hang out, etc, etc, etc. The truth is, life is right here right now. 

Souza wrote: 

for a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin. 

but something always got in the way. 

at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. 

this perspective has helped me to see that happiness is a journey, not a destination :)

And it's so true! I can keep putting my life off until I've gotten it 'right' but I will never, ever, have it right. Nothing is ever going to be perfect or complete or just how I want it. Something is always going to get screwed up or screwed over but I have to realize that I need to make the best out of it. God is good - he provides for me all that I need. I am never alone, never forsaken. He has never left me. 

As an old college friend wrote 

:: I have never been let down by my Savior.
:: I have loved every step of my journey thus far.
:: I am not God, and so thankful for that!
:: God knows what is coming, and I do not need to know.
:: I am seeking Jesus, and in that, He will deal with my mind and heart each step of the way.
:: I choose Faith and Trust through this all.

I was convicted at church on Sunday. The sermon was entitled "Personal Transformation, City Transformation" One of the phrases that stuck out to me the most was "Jesus wanted disciples, not admirers..." and how often is it that I am more the admirer that the disciple. To admire is to regard with wonder, pleasure or approval. to like or desire. A disciple is one who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another. I often find it easy to watch someone with pleasure and I definitely admire Christ, but I can say that while I embrace Christ's teachings, I often in no way assist with spreading these teachings. Sure, I keep His teachings in my head and in my heart, but am not usually vocal with them, at least not with people other than with whom I attend church. 

What happened to being in the world but not of it. I find that I more identify with being of the world rather than just living in it. Where does my allegiance lie? By my deeds and words, it's here rather than passing through to Heaven. To tie this all back together, it's not going to be until I get it in my heart that I am not destined for what life offers here in the present world but rather for the future world with Christ, I am never going to find that happiness that I so desire. I will find glimpses of it, but never will I be completely satisfied. 

This is my temporary home. It's not where i belong. windows and rooms that I'm passing through. 

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going. This is my temporary home.

Hermitcy & Motives

So recently I've been a bit of a hermit.
I find it's not that difficult to master, though it does discourage me sometimes.
While I know that a lot of the things that are going through my head aren't true, I still tend to give them way too much of my though process. There are a lot of lies roaming around unchecked in this brain and heart of mine, and I need to learn to tune them out and not give them any though at all. But that is a hard lesson to learn, and I find myself bending to these lies.


I think that the main lie inside of me right now is that I could disappear and no one would really know. I know that that is a complete fallacy and that there are plenty of people that would notice and whom would care. But I find that the more I hermit, and the more that I'm not getting involved with the people around me the more I being to believe this idea.


One thing has really been bugging me as of late, and I guess it also goes along with this theme of hermitcy & "invisibility", if you will. It's this whole thing about not having "real" friends. And, to understand this line of though, I suppose I have to identify what a "real" friend is to me. I feel that in my life I am always making acquaintances. I am very good at getting to know people to a certain extent, of getting along with them and making them feel at ease when I am around them.


Because I am a very closed off person I find that it's easy to be surface level, and maybe even a little deeper but there is no one that I am fully myself with. There are things that no one knows about me and that makes me a little sad. I'm really good at listening to others and giving them advice or helping to give them the ability to figure things out for themselves, but I'm terrible at opening up to others. I honestly don't think there is one time that I have let everything that is inside of me out. And I'm not really talking about deep, dark patches of my life, but just in general. I always tell myself that I'm good at internalizing things and figuring them out for myself, and this is mostly true, but once I would just like someone to really push me about life and not let me take an out. 

Because I am who I am, I get frustrated by the fact that people don't ask about me as much as I ask about them. Actually, it's not so much that they don't ask, it's that they don't push me to open up. I can say, "Life is good," or "I'm fine" but no one asks me what "fine" means. But the honest truth is I probably wouldn't open up anyway. I always do that. I thirst for people to ask about me but when they do I still brush it off and say I'm fine. I think that I put up those walls because I'm waiting for those people, those "friends", who will huff and puff and blow them down. Like the big bad wolf in the three little pigs. 

And I hate that I've been this way my whole life. In so many aspects. 

I've been wondering about my motives lately. After some talks, and contemplating the behavior of others, I wonder how much like them I am. What are the motives behind my actions. Do I tend to do things where I will get something out of them, or am I mostly self-less in my actions. Looking back and seeing what I do for others, and thinking about them with un-biased thoughts, I do think that for the most part, even if something doesn't benefit me I still try to help others out. Obviously, there are sometimes when this is not the case, but I do believe with my heart that this is not true with the majority of my underlying motives. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence entitled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" and it's really made me stop and think about the motives behind my motives behind my actions. The lyrics to this song are 

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back

wants to shake your hand

when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up 

and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end

This ain't where the bandwagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

(yeah, yeah)

You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

(Well man, I've been there)

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there

Oooh yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about the actions of others, of those who I would call acquaintances, but who would perhaps call me friend. But I don't want to be that person who has the plank in my eye: "don't judge, so that you won't be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye;' and behold, the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." {Matthew 7:1-6; WEB}. 

At this point, I am trying to figure out how big this beam is, and whether I can use tweezers to get it out, or if I need to go with the bigger guns. I see the actions of people and I think, "how selfish they are" or "how uncaring or thoughtless" and often times I think I am better than those who are around me, but I know that that isn't always true and there are times when I put myself first and others later. and vice versa. But I don't like when I attempt to put myself later, but it backfires and people think that I'm being selfish that way. I don't know that I can give any examples of that, but I'm sure it has happened.

And that is what it is...

Community & my responsibility...

Today, after babysitting this morning, I got to spend sometime with Jess and we talked about a lot od different things. I was inspired today to become more involved in people's lives. Though not in a harsh and demanding way.

Henri Nouwen, in his book Gracias, wrote, "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, and greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presencve. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire is to be useful, to do something significant, is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings and conferences, that prevent me from walking the steets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause and not to feel that you are working directly for special progress. But, I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them but you truly love them” (p.147).

How often is it that I am doing these things? with people closest to me, I am surely doing these things, though I might be a little more "demanding" about it. But I can guarantee that with people who I don't know and who don't know me, and who, perhaps, are different than myself whether gender-wise, racially, sexually, spiritually, personality-wise, tempermanent-wise, etc. I am not seeking to find and build community. This really makes me stop and wonder about who it is that I am trying to be and how I might be different now than I once was.

Aside from that wondering, I now have to figure out how I am going to take this knowledge and apply it to my life in a fashion that befits this calling to love God and love others. This is not going to be an easy task, I can figure that out on my own... however difficult this is going to be, I need to remind myself the reason I am in this boat to begin with and I just really need to push myself to put my own motives and desires aside and to search out this journey.