Hermitcy & Motives

So recently I've been a bit of a hermit.
I find it's not that difficult to master, though it does discourage me sometimes.
While I know that a lot of the things that are going through my head aren't true, I still tend to give them way too much of my though process. There are a lot of lies roaming around unchecked in this brain and heart of mine, and I need to learn to tune them out and not give them any though at all. But that is a hard lesson to learn, and I find myself bending to these lies.


I think that the main lie inside of me right now is that I could disappear and no one would really know. I know that that is a complete fallacy and that there are plenty of people that would notice and whom would care. But I find that the more I hermit, and the more that I'm not getting involved with the people around me the more I being to believe this idea.


One thing has really been bugging me as of late, and I guess it also goes along with this theme of hermitcy & "invisibility", if you will. It's this whole thing about not having "real" friends. And, to understand this line of though, I suppose I have to identify what a "real" friend is to me. I feel that in my life I am always making acquaintances. I am very good at getting to know people to a certain extent, of getting along with them and making them feel at ease when I am around them.


Because I am a very closed off person I find that it's easy to be surface level, and maybe even a little deeper but there is no one that I am fully myself with. There are things that no one knows about me and that makes me a little sad. I'm really good at listening to others and giving them advice or helping to give them the ability to figure things out for themselves, but I'm terrible at opening up to others. I honestly don't think there is one time that I have let everything that is inside of me out. And I'm not really talking about deep, dark patches of my life, but just in general. I always tell myself that I'm good at internalizing things and figuring them out for myself, and this is mostly true, but once I would just like someone to really push me about life and not let me take an out. 

Because I am who I am, I get frustrated by the fact that people don't ask about me as much as I ask about them. Actually, it's not so much that they don't ask, it's that they don't push me to open up. I can say, "Life is good," or "I'm fine" but no one asks me what "fine" means. But the honest truth is I probably wouldn't open up anyway. I always do that. I thirst for people to ask about me but when they do I still brush it off and say I'm fine. I think that I put up those walls because I'm waiting for those people, those "friends", who will huff and puff and blow them down. Like the big bad wolf in the three little pigs. 

And I hate that I've been this way my whole life. In so many aspects. 

I've been wondering about my motives lately. After some talks, and contemplating the behavior of others, I wonder how much like them I am. What are the motives behind my actions. Do I tend to do things where I will get something out of them, or am I mostly self-less in my actions. Looking back and seeing what I do for others, and thinking about them with un-biased thoughts, I do think that for the most part, even if something doesn't benefit me I still try to help others out. Obviously, there are sometimes when this is not the case, but I do believe with my heart that this is not true with the majority of my underlying motives. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence entitled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" and it's really made me stop and think about the motives behind my motives behind my actions. The lyrics to this song are 

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back

wants to shake your hand

when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up 

and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end

This ain't where the bandwagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

(yeah, yeah)

You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

(Well man, I've been there)

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there

Oooh yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about the actions of others, of those who I would call acquaintances, but who would perhaps call me friend. But I don't want to be that person who has the plank in my eye: "don't judge, so that you won't be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye;' and behold, the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." {Matthew 7:1-6; WEB}. 

At this point, I am trying to figure out how big this beam is, and whether I can use tweezers to get it out, or if I need to go with the bigger guns. I see the actions of people and I think, "how selfish they are" or "how uncaring or thoughtless" and often times I think I am better than those who are around me, but I know that that isn't always true and there are times when I put myself first and others later. and vice versa. But I don't like when I attempt to put myself later, but it backfires and people think that I'm being selfish that way. I don't know that I can give any examples of that, but I'm sure it has happened.

And that is what it is...