Ever Changing...

“Sometimes you gotta lose ‘til you win. It’s alright, it’s alright it’s alright…. It’ll be alright again. I’m okay. I’m okay, it’ll be alright again”

Sugarland’s new album is great. SO many good songs! And songs that I feel relate to my life at this exact point in time. I love that feeling of others knowing what I’m going through and that I’m not alone in my emotions or predicaments. :)

The reason I put the quote at the beginning is that I feel that I keep losing when it comes to a Social Work job. I just don’t understand why I can’t find one. Is my resume/cover letter crap? Do organizations think I don’t have enough experience, are there just that many more qualified people applying? I’m becoming unsure if I’m supposed to be in social work or not… Should I go to grad school? Will that allow me to get a social work position or will that still not be enough? I’ve thought about opening a daycare lately. There are so many things I would need to get together in order to see that happen: A new place to live, capital to get toys and diapers and child-proofing measures, rent money, a guarantee that people would utilize me, etc. And licensing, but that would be the least of my worries. It’s only $50 and I’m sure I would pass anything they could throw at me :) But, even then, I still have the worry: is this what I’m supposed to be doing? It’s an annoying worry to have because there is no way for me to know.

I “quit” my overnight (ON) nanny job this week. I write quit like that because it’s not really over yet, but I believe that Saturday night should be my last night. It was tough: Deciding to quit and quitting. Thinking about quitting really put into perspective just how dear I hold to expendable income. I’ve had a few nervous moments over it. But, at the same time, it makes my life so much less complicated! Not necessarily the lack of money part, because that will throw a kink into a lot of my plans, but definitely the time and scheduling of my time. I have my nights free! I haven’t known what consecutive-nights-to-myself look like since the beginning of August. And let me tell you, it’s rather freeing. I feel like I’m not just running from place to place to place and back again. This week’s been a bit of a doozy in that I haven’t nannyed a lot because Erin has had to be at school at 6 am all this week and she has a friend who needed to pick up some extra cash, so she let her pick up the early morning shifts. Let me tell you, I’m definitely NOT complaining as it’s a nice change to be able to sleep in until 9:30/10. I’m so thankful that God allowed me to have this week to rest and recuperate, especially since Adam was here last week and I was SO ridiculously busy. God definitely knows what we need when we need it and I am so grateful for that.

Because of quitting, I’m getting back to the mindset that God is my provider. I never really lost that thought, but it definitely went on the back burner while I was making “lots” of money. Having a FT job where I made $1600 a month, on top of the $800 or so from the PT job, I felt like I was living on top. Of course, living on top didn’t necessarily mean budgeting the best. But, I feel like, for the last 2 months I budgeted better than I ever have my entire life. However, I know that next time I budget, I need to be stricter on my guidelines. Like, making a set amount of how much I’d be saving a month for food & going out instead of just replacing it every time I got money. That’s one thing I learned during my budgeting stretch… I also need to remember that I need to budget the money that I get now even more. Going from my old income to 1/3 of it is going to be a difficult adjustment, but one that I think I can make work. Obviously I will NEED to make it work, but I’m not worried too much about that as I know God is providing for me and it’s not a big deal to get less of an income. I am also looking for other jobs… PT would be great, ON would be great, especially if this ON is a sleep position… We’ll see what God has in-store.

In regards to budgeting, I need to make sure that I have enough money for Nov, Dec, & Jan rent. This may be a little tricky since Erin doesn’t have much schooling during the month of December. I’ll need to be extra budgeting-wise during November. Because of this new change in my life, I don’t think I’ll be going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. At least, that’s what it looks like at this point. I never know what things God will do, but in my heart and mind, this is what I’m planning. That means that this will be the second year in a row that I will miss the “family aspect” of these special occasions. Last year I also missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, sister and brother. It was very different. I had the hardest time with Christmas because I didn’t know what I was going to be doing. And I didn’t really get any Christmas gifts. Now, yes, the reason for the season is not the gifts and yes, I had not gotten much the past 2 Christmases before but it’s different the first time you’re not with your family, ya know. Its different when you’re butting in on other people’s celebrations. I just felt… lost. Yes, I think that would be the proper word. It was sad and disheartening and I’m still not looking forward to that this year, but I definitely think it will be less bothersome. I’ll tell ya, though; I can’t wait to have a family of my own and to make my own traditions and excitements. :)

One of my goals in this season of having one job is to get into the Word more and to seek God on a much deeper basis. I also want to get into reading books that stimulate my mind and help me to search for that deeper connection. These books can be overtly spiritual or not at all. I’m just planning on finding God in everything I read and in all that I do. It’s comforting to know that he will never leave me nor forsake me; that he is always near to me and has given ear to my requests, that He lets MY prayers come before Him. He makes strong my heart and brings comfort when I am weak and troubled. So, in this time of spare time, I strive to use it, not just for idle things, for sleeping or watching tv or playing games, but to first and foremost find Him and love Him; because He FIRST loved me. I want to find Him in my quiet time, in my fellowship time, in my babysitting time, in my resting time, in my daily nannying time, in my cooking time, in my music-listening time, all the time, every time. That’s my prayer: that when I seek Him I will indeed find Him.

God,
I’m asking that in this time, I would ask you for things and that you would give them to me. Not things that further me or bring me glory, but those things that remind me of whom you are and that show others of your mercy and power. You tell me that if I seek I will in turn find. I’m asking that while trying to seek you out that You would come to me. You would show me who You are in ways that I never imagined. I thank You that the ability to ask and seek and knock was given to me through the sacrifice of Your own son. That He died on the cross in order to bridge the gap that was between You and I. That I can have communion and fellowship with You as if You were right here next to me physically. Lord, I don’t know which doors I will be knocking on in this season of my life, but I thank You that You have gone before me to ready them. Lord, You are GOOD and your MERCY goes on forever.

God, I thank you for your infinite wisdom and your divine placement of Robin in my life at the bus stop on Sunday. Your providence amazes me. I’m so blessed to know that you hear our prayers that they rise up into your ears. You heard her prayers and gave thought to her when she was down to her last ounce of strength. She was troubled by an abusive partner, one who beat her and kept her from others, determining how she was to live. He was cruel to her in many ways. Robin was deeply wounded and was scared for her life, with deep fear she was covered saying: “if only I had wings like a dove! For then I would go in flight from here and be at rest”. Lord, you gave her wings and allowed her to get out from her situation. You gave her the strength and determination to leave, to end the vicious cycle that had been going on for a long time. I pray you continue to guide Robin, Father. Bring her to a place of restoration and peace. I pray against her friends and family speaking evil to her saying “it’s your fault” or “you deserved it”. Give her a sanctuary and remind her that it’s not her fault. I praise you for newness in her life, for a new start. Remind her of her past life, God, as we can’t know where were going if we don’t know where we’ve been. Be her savior, God. I thank you and praise you for taking her soul away from the attack and for giving her peace. Please remind me on a daily basis that you will be my support if I bring my cares to you. You won’t let me be moved, God. Bring opportunities for growth in Robin’s life, for job skills and a way to earn a living; to become self-sufficient but completely dependent on you. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

ps, I often update my other blog more often than this...

ama80205.tumblr.com

This will also be located there... :)