Cigarettes & Compartmentalization.

So, tonight I smoked my first two cigarettes in a very long while. Years, actually. And, surprisingly, it was good. It actually reminded me of my dad a lot [they were the same brand that he smoked...] and it made me both miss him and feel content with the situation at the same time, which is a rather peculiar predicament. It really made me think back to a couple different situations. Including his funeral and a little poem one of my aunts put up entitled "Pocket Full Of Sunshine." I remember, at the funeral, my sister and I laughing about that because there was never any sunshine in his pockets but there were cigarette butts, lint, and oftentimes screws. Hahaha, the life of a painter :) 


I also had a chat with a good friend. I re-realized tonight that I hold a lot back. I think it stems from a couple different things : first, I tend to listen to people more than I talk because I think their lives are a lot more interesting. second, I listen more because I learn more about others and I enjoy getting to know people. third, I listen because I am not talented at saying what I want to say and allowing it to come out in a concise fashion. fourth, i just don't think that what I have to say [most of the time] is something that will be impactful to other people. fifth, when it comes to conversations, unless I REALLY feel the need to say something, I might start to say something, get interrupted, then never say what I intended to say. Lastly, I always feel like my "problems" are a lot less important that other people's problems and therefore would rather the people I'm with talk and I just listen as they might need more imput than I...


I am reminded that I tend to keep myself closed off emotionally, though I'm not sure where that stemmed from. For some reason I have a desire to not be vulnerable with people - and a lot of times it sucks. There are times when I do have the desire to be vulnerable, but won't bring it up myself. During these times i pray to God that he will have the person that i am talking with ask me about things, things that would cause me to have to become vulnerable. IF that happens and the person I'm talking with does ask me about these sensitive issues, I brush them off and I never EVER talk about them. Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself because of that, but I still can't find it within my self to change that part of me. 


I know that I compartmentalize things. That is the reason why I have 6 different blogs. It's stupid, but that is a result of my inability to be vulnerable and let people see all of me. I don't know if this is me trying to portray someone I'm not or if it is just my attempts to put those walls up... Then I see this idea of not being vulnerable as me just being able to figure it out by myself [or with God's help]. That I can internalize and figure things out well enough on my own and therefore I don't really need to share what is going on in my life. I do this all the time! I recognize this, and often have the desire to change it, but when it comes down to it I just can't. That's laying it out on the table. I. Cannot. Change. This. By. Myself. I really believe that only God can do it. And maybe I'm just not ready for that. maybe it will come in time. maybe it will never come. I don't know. Perhaps i'll never know. 

To ask or not to ask [for more money]

So today marked the final day of babysitting in 4 days. I babysat Wednesday and Thursday for a Riley and yesterday I babysat, spent the night, and babysat today for two girls Camdynn & Brenna, and then, for the last 4 hours of that time, I also was watching Rena & Aliyah.

I am finding it to be difficult finding a balance between wanting to be graceful when it comes to money but also needing to be firm and ask for more, ask for my time's worth.

For example, babysitting for C&B I made $100. For 36 hours. This is a ridiculously low price. I appreciate the money, but am wondering if I should have asked for more money or not. I always feel bad about asking for more money, or if they ask me if that amount is enough and I say yes, it is enough, but should really ask for more to compensate me for my time, and I think it is because of the way I was raised where we didn't have a lot of extra money to pay people more. So, I'm in this dilemma of figuring out how to go about this money thing in a diplomatic and financially fair way. I think what i need to do is figure out rates and then tell those to people. For example, if I charge $12 an hour for 2 kids, or $10 an hour for 1, I also need to figure out this overnight thing. When do I stop charging an hourly rate and charge a flat "kids are sleeping rate"...

I need to set these things into place now so that i just have them to hand out... but I don't want my rates to stop people from using me as a babysitter... ah, dilemma's dilemma's!

For now I will just feel the situations out and see how it goes from there...

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = +2

You know how people just make New Years Resolutions without really thinking about the long term - my hope is that I don't do that. I want to think about long term ramifications of these things I call resolutions. One of those goals and LTR's is to blog twice a week. Hopefully these blogs are comical anecdotes or lessons that I've been learning, and not just something that i post for the sake of posting.

I want to be able to see how I have progressed in life over the course of a year. Where I go, what I do, things I learn, ups and downs, all of these things are important in my life. I would like to become a little more vulnerable though these postings, and not compartmentalize my life into 6 or 7 different blogs.

This posting will be anecdotal.

Something else happened on the way to Wyoming. I thought I would have learned better, growing up in Michigan where the road can sometimes be icy and all. We were driving through Wyoming, nearly two hours after our gas incident. As I insinuated, the roads were becoming icy. There was a semi-truck flipped on its side in the median between the E & W two lane highway roads. It was about a mile after this when i hit a patch of ice and started to fish tail. Now, I'm not good when it comes to remembering things well, but I think we fishtailed to the right, and then the left, then the right again, and from there we drove right into the ditch. I don't know what would have happened if i hadn't over corrected the steering but it is what it is. We did go into the ditch but thankfully we drove into facing the right direction and in a diagonal manner into about a foot and a half of snow.

I think it took us about 30 minutes rocking it back and forth, turing the wheel a couple different ways, and really pushing that beast [during which I feel on my knees about 4 times :)] when we got it out. I was thankful for a few things during that time. first: we didn't flip. This thought didn't cross my mind until later, but the washer and dryer in the truck bed, along with the way we fishtailed a couple of times mixed with the way the shoulder led down into the median in a gentle way, [along with GOD's provision] caused us to be okay and not have any fear of flipping. second: no cops stopped along the way [which would have meant another fricking ticket...]. third: we were able to get the truck out of the snow! [after we prayed for the strength to be able to push it out :)]. fourth: it made for an unforgettable memory [(as quoted on my facebook status) "we did not lose the washer..."].

It was great to be able to not be stuck. I could not believe that no civilian stopped to help us. By this time it was about 5 am and there were people on the road. I would have thought that wyoming, with their old fashioned gas stations, would have old fashioned people who would stop and help push a stuck truck out of the ditch. Apparently I was wrong...

So, that was the last of the wyoming adventures. It's sad that there were only two of them :( But the two that we had were great and will leave long lasting memories and laughs between Michelle and I. :)

On that note, another of my resolutions [that i may have just made up, nullifying my entire first papragraph regarding the LTR's] is to go to bed at a decent hour that reflects my next days activities. So far, I am failing tonight. It's already 1:03 and i have to babysit at 8:30 which means I have to get up at 7:55. :o) That means I have just under 7 hours of sleep ahead of me.

I need to look for a car... one that is around $1500 and runs well that i won't need to put any money into maintenance for a while... yeesh.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart

~ama

Contentment vs. happiness

Sometimes I have a wave of disenchantment. A disenchantment that I will ever be happy. This is different than being joyous - I am most often full of joy because joy is not based on my circumstances - it is based on my creator, the one I love, who loves me back with a love that can never be taken away.

Happiness, however, is based on contentment is completely based on my circumstances. This happiness is based on my friends, time spent with those I consider friends, not having a job, not having a ton of fun things to do, not having my own car, on and on and on and on...

Sometimes when I am not happy, it settles in my stomach and reminds me of all those things that I don't have or that I'm not taking advantage of. It's always something I tell you.

Sometimes I'm happy when I spend time with myself, other times I CRAVE spending time with other people. I get discouraged when I am want to spend time with people and no one is around to do so. It really pisses me off, actually. I have that personality that when i want to be "introverted" I am absolutely find being such, but when I am forced to be introverted, I cannot stand it. Not at all. Today is one of those days where I'm fining myself being forced to be introverted. I am probably making a part of this up, but I have that feeling in my stomach that crawls up my back and makes me shiver... It's that pit-like feeling that causes me to verge on anger.

Oyevey.

So, happiness, I just need to stop depending on you. There is no reason you need to decide what I do or why I do it. There is nothing good about you. happiness and feelings are no use to me. It's about finding my contentment in Jesus who is my real reason for doing what I do... Though why is this such a hard thing to do? Why does this tend to be SO difficult?!

I just have to remind myself daily not to become dependent on the situations that I stumble into. I have to remind myself that regardless of my circumstances, I am who I am by the grace of God. I am still learning who I am becoming and am finding my way in this thing I call life.

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = 1

Dear Colorado, I've missed you. I have decided that Wyoming sucks. But, it did not score on Michelle and I. We showed that state who is the boss. For sure.
Utah is okay, though. I suppose. Not great, and I hear Utah Lake smells terrible [go figure], but it treated us well. Treated me well. Though it was cold. and I didn't much appreciate that. But I got over it. Yup.

So, Colorado, let me tell you about my wyoming adventures [I've decided that wyoming is no longer special enough to be capitalized...]. The first adventure consisted of nearly running out of gas. En route to Utah, I forgot to mention to Michelle that wyoming will try to get one up on you by not having gas stations close together on I-80. Poorly designed interstate I've decided. What state has a gas station right off the interstate that does not have a credit card machine attached to it in order to pump gas in the dead of night [or 3 a.m. to be exact]. However, God showed up and provided us our first miracle of the night by allowing us to go nearly 60 miles on a tank of gas after the gas light came on. Michelle's truck usually only gets about 25 miles after the said gas light comes on. We were blessed not to run out of gas and to make it to a gas station.

Dear Wyoming - the only reason I capitalized you again is because you have the most amazing stars. I can see so many of them when i am driving and i appreciate it very much. thank you for that.
However, I do not wish to thank you for this next event.

This said event will get a special posting by itself tomorrow.

I will finish the rest of the story then, as well.

<3

Learn, grow, repeat...

These past few weeks I have been provided with a LOT of babysitting jobs. Such a blessing to me in more ways than financially!


I am learning a lot about what it means to instill values in children. Growing up I probably didn't learn the best methods for discipline and those methods have stuck with me for the long run. I am finally learning, through watching great families love on their wonderful children, better ways to discipline children and more than that how to love and encourage them more. 


I am reminded that kids will seek any kind of attention they can get. Also I find that most kids are good. It is when they are tired or when they are bored that they tend not to be wearing their "listening ears". Through being around these great families that i talked about above, I am learning to have more patience and to really put that patience to the test. It's so easy to say that I have patience, but if I am not gentle with the children or understanding of the fact that they are still young and just like to. have fun, then I am not truly being patient. 


I am usually reminded of the fact that God is more than patient with me, because He knows the stupid things I do. And the stupid things that i continue to do. Even though I don't want to do them, I still tend to do them. I'm very much like Paul in this aspect "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate," (Romans 7:15; ESV). 


How is it that it is so easy to deny God and please ourselves than it is to have it done the other way around? That just bugs the crap out of me. I have next to nothing in the willpower department when it comes to do that which God asks me to do rather than that which I would prefer to do. Myself [nearly] always wins. "So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me," (Romans 7:17-20; ESV). 


On Sunday at Providence, Jim Wood talked about the Call & Cost of Discipleship as seen in Matthew 16:24-27. He talked about these verses and showed them to be broken down into three steps. Discipleship is about The Call, The Warning, and The Reward.


The Call says that following Jesus involves "self-denial;" [putting down my own interests to take on God's and other people's] which means [saying no to living to my own selfish desires and living out what God has told me to]. It also involves "suffering" [Acts 9:15-16]. Lastly, we follow Jesus by emulating Him [learning from, following His example, going where He goes and doing what He does (Matthew 16:26)].


The Warning reminds me that striving to save my life "now" will result in losing it "ultimately" [the world offers us nothing compared to Heaven - it pales in comparison to the offer of LIFE]. It also reminds me that Nothing the world offers compares to eternal life [the call of Jesus is to a greater reward]. and lastly that we will be "rewarded" according to what we have done [this does not say that I will be saved based on what I have done, but rather the reward in Heaven will be based on what I have done]. “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose” - Jim Elliot. 


Finally The Reward we receive is "fulfilling what God created us for" [Eph 2:8-10 & Titus 3:14]. The Reward is "Christ Himself" [Phil 1:21. I need to remember though, that if I follow Christ for any other reason than because I love Him, then i am not really following Him]. The Reward is also "Eternal glory" [Romans 8:18].


Having "it all" means having Jesus. If I were to answer the questions of "Do I die daily to self" the answer would be no. I can guarantee that I have never died a day in my life. Honestly, I hate to admit that, but it's the honest truth. It's a struggle to die by the decision of the moment. It's hard and costly. Let's be honest here. the cross is intense suffering and shame until death. But, it is what I was made for. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to waste my life, though I tend to do that more and more as I go along. 


Chances are if I am doing something, i have dirty motives behind it. I will admit that there are times when i don't, but the "clean" motives aren't something that come naturally. I have to struggle for them and I have to put aside what I would like to see happen because of what i've just done and it's hard. But I am learning that God is the only motive I need. Not in a legalistic kind of way, but in a way of love...


I am figuring out how to put the love chapter into play and what it truly means....


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres [1 corinthians 13:4-7; NIV]

  Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. [1 Cor 13:4-7; The Message].

tattatatta tattatatta tattatatta tattatatta TAT'toooo....

On one note - I want to get more tattoos.

I will tell you what they are...!

I have a few ideas that are works in process.
One I want to get that says "I am who I am by the grace of God"
Another i want to get is a compass. Showing me that I do not guide myself.
This would also signify that God is my guide and that I will wait on him...

Another I wish for is a boat - in the style of the tall ship - to signify Michigan.
Adding to that, maybe the lighthouse & a sunset. The sunset will be in color. 

Great colors, like red-orange, and yellow. maybe some blue and purple...
A Gorgeous reminder of home and how I've grown up.

on that note - I am going to continue my googling search of these tattoos.
Goodnight :)

Laziest days =o]

I enjoy days when i can sleep in. Today I slept in without worry until 11:00. It was joyous. 

I had a strange dream right before i woke up. I was at home and it was during the summer because there were tornados. It was just like i was at home - [mostly] everything in it's rightful place. The one difference was that pops was there and he had just returned from duty and was tired and maybe injured. not sure. 

before the tornado part, it was a little weird. maybe I was at the Beach with the fam or somewhere and I leaned over pops and told him that I loved him and then he said that he loved me too but that he didn't always like me and then I laughed and told him the same thing... [weird.]

anyway, back to the tornados - there were a few of them outside in different areas - one more to the north of Soho, one to the direct and very far away west, and then one came behind the house. I was watching this one and it came really close to the house and I screamed at everyone to get in the basement but no one did so I sat on the stairs - I think ana had come over by then - we we huddled on the bottom step of the stairs - [which would have been really dumb because it was right by the tornado.] I was really pissed at pops because he was just laying on his bed not going to the basement or anything and I was angry that he was just laying there and would have died if the tornado came that way. 

and then I woke up.

sometimes i think about the past in that I never said goodbye to pops before he died.  I sometimes get really angry and upset by the fact that he died and I wasn't there to see him. And also by the callousness of mom's greeting when I got there. And then I wonder if Anna [RD] knew that he had already passed away when she received the phone call.  But then I get mad at myself for not really saying goodbye to what was left of pops. For not shedding any tears. For not showing any emotion. After all of that I wonder why God's plan was not to have me there to see Dad's ending. And because I've never asked about it, I wonder about Andrew and what he saw and how he felt and if he cried. 

All of these things cause me to want to be more of an emotional person, more vulnerable, but the truth is I just can't do it. Not by myself - I need God to work a great miracle in me in order to accomplish this.

Since 2004 I can count on two hand the times when i've really seen any semblance of crying or bawling come from me. 

tracey's funeral - singing amazing grace when putting her physical body in the ground

at sau finding out dad had cancer - during a period of depression and great sadness

kyle's memorial service at SAU - right after pops was diagnosed with cancer - sang 

the bucket list - the end of the movie  - seizing on the ground [reminded me of pops]

talking to alan about all of dad's stuff - reliving the fact that I wasn't there to say goodbye

when E-Shaw passed away - breaking down from everything that had happened in that past week

It's a little crazy. I didn't cry when dad passed away or at his funeral or anything... not around family or friends or acquaintances... I don't think I've even been a real crier-type of person, but I still want to be. Hahaha, not sure if that is weird or not but it is what it is.

There was always, and still is, a tattoo that I wanted. It says "I am what I am by the grace of God". It just reminds me that I am where I am and have become who I am because of God and his guiding and leading and that I should not wish to be different or have lived a different life because then I wouldn't be what I am now. that is pretty inspiring to me. even in the wake of the above written blog. 

A day of hopeful change

God is good :)

Today, much later today, I have two interviews. One is for a potential 2 day a week nannying position though that is not definite as there is already a person who has it - I am only backup incase that person falls through.
Second I have an interview at the Brandon Center which is part of the Volunteers of America. This is a shelter for women and children (I would mostly be working with the single women) as an overnight residential coordinator (or a glorified watchmen). It would be 30 hours a week, Friday nights, Saturday night, and Sunday nights from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m. While this isn't my first pick with their organization, I will take it if it is offered to me! I can't be picky when I don't have a job and a perk of this place is that I will be able to use my social work skills! I applied for this about two months ago and it's nice to finally see some fruit starting to bloom.

While I'm not going to hold my breath and put all of my hope into this, I will see this interview as a definite chance to actually getting a job! For that I am very excited and hope that this pans out. The pay is good, and I would make decent money even though it's only a PT 30 hour/week job. Plus, if I were able to get the PT nannying job, I would love it.

Lots of good things are happening in my life right now :) Just waiting to see how all will pan out and praying that I'll walk away with a job offer in the next few days. I'm just waiting to see how God is going to work through this situation.

I am waiting for SAU to get the tuition reimbursement check from DRM so that I can use it to put some money towards loans. I really have no idea how that will all work out, but we will see. God is providing for me so I don't have any worries about anything. I know that He works all things together for my good and His glory and I have seen so many of those fruits since being in Denver. From having a place to live right now for free and not really worrying about what is going to happen, to also allowing the McCall's to let me use their truck if I need to go places, when I want. And also providing me places to go and friendships to build and grow.

What is God teaching you?

Recap of my current situation.

My my my, it is late! Phew, I definitely need to get into a better sleeping routine!
This is what happens when i have wifi at my fingertips and a music downloading agent... YIKES!

Anyway, so, I figure an update of my life is very much called for.

I am still in Denver - have no plans to move on out yet : )
I am staying with a great family - Randy & Sheryl McCall at their house in Arvada for right now until I can get on my feet and find a job that pays so I that I can move into my own apartment or something like that... I have a nannying job in the works and would love for it to work out but then I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I haven't had a real job since December 18th. I've been looking for social workey jobs but have not had any luck. I have also tried looking for some other sorts of jobs like babysitting and so on. That has panned out semi-okay. I do a lot of babysitting for families at Providence. I have about 3 regular-ish families I sit for when needed. I have to say that even though I've not worked God has blessed me with enough money to pay my bills and even buy a few needed things - like some new clothes and other items.

I moved in with the McCall's this past Friday. My pride would love if I could move out by February but that is not something I can count on. God has been teaching me a lot of lessons like being patient and understanding that He knows what He is doing and does all things in His perfect timing. He has also been teaching me about my pride and that I need to learn to rely on other people and not feel bad for doing so. He has also been teaching me, though I fail quite miserably when it comes to this, about being vulnerable and open with who I am and the struggles that I am going through.

I have never been open with my situations - any one of my friends can testify that I ask them more questions about themselves and share less about myself in any given situation. The truth is I like to think that any problems I have are less important that other people's problems and feel that I tend to handle what I am going through better by myself. The other truth of this matter is the fact that I hate being vulnerable. I don't like to let people see what is going on with me and it's rather rude to be honest.

I am still involved with Providence -www.provcast.org & http://www.providencedenver.org. I really love the people who are there and consider them family and am privileged to know them and to interact with and love them. I am a member of the greeting team and also help in the toddler's room. 

I am no longer working at the DRM and I definitely miss it. I might look into volunteering there once and a while. I've gone over to TC a couple of times and love seeing people while I am there.

So, that's life for me in a nutshell.

Yet again...

my plans have proceeded to not be good plans and therefore have been spoiled.

I will not be living with Michelle anymore, as she needed to provide for herself and had a girl move in and sign the lease. While I knew that this was a possibility, it took me by surprise a little bit. IT was a little frustrating, but I know that God is using this time in my life to change me and refine who I am becoming. Part of this is my own fault for asking God to put His will into play in my life. If you want things to not get a little crazy, don't ask Him for his will to be done. :)

Still, I highly suggest asking Him to place it in your life. Yeah, things get a little crazy, plans get shredded and you often wonder what you've got yourself into, but God is a provider. He has this amazing way of letting things work out eventually, though not in the way your planned, or oftentimes even close to the way you pictured it in your mind.

Housesitting has been going well, I cannot at all complain. I just tend to lose track of what the date is... After Thursday (which I now know as being two nights away including tonight) I will go and live with the McCall's until a further date.

I am still looking for a job but not with much luck. I am looking into going to grad school to pursue my MSW which should better allow me to find a "real job". I am also looking for babysitting jobs, and am finding quite a few of them through Providence. These have been a real blessing and most often unexpected. I have been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded by wonderful people who insist on blessing me even though my pride gets in the way and i don't ask for it.

I was recently given a $150 dollar check from a wonderful girl who felt the Lord put it on her heart to do so. That was a huge blessing that I hope to be able to bless others with.

Overall, I am learning a lot about myself and about God and what more could I ask for?

http://provcast.org/Provcast.org/Providence_Bible_Church_Podcast/Entries/2010/1/3_Forgiven_Part_2.html
--> GREAT sermon by Josh Larsen. It will really make you think!