Cigarettes & Compartmentalization.

So, tonight I smoked my first two cigarettes in a very long while. Years, actually. And, surprisingly, it was good. It actually reminded me of my dad a lot [they were the same brand that he smoked...] and it made me both miss him and feel content with the situation at the same time, which is a rather peculiar predicament. It really made me think back to a couple different situations. Including his funeral and a little poem one of my aunts put up entitled "Pocket Full Of Sunshine." I remember, at the funeral, my sister and I laughing about that because there was never any sunshine in his pockets but there were cigarette butts, lint, and oftentimes screws. Hahaha, the life of a painter :) 


I also had a chat with a good friend. I re-realized tonight that I hold a lot back. I think it stems from a couple different things : first, I tend to listen to people more than I talk because I think their lives are a lot more interesting. second, I listen more because I learn more about others and I enjoy getting to know people. third, I listen because I am not talented at saying what I want to say and allowing it to come out in a concise fashion. fourth, i just don't think that what I have to say [most of the time] is something that will be impactful to other people. fifth, when it comes to conversations, unless I REALLY feel the need to say something, I might start to say something, get interrupted, then never say what I intended to say. Lastly, I always feel like my "problems" are a lot less important that other people's problems and therefore would rather the people I'm with talk and I just listen as they might need more imput than I...


I am reminded that I tend to keep myself closed off emotionally, though I'm not sure where that stemmed from. For some reason I have a desire to not be vulnerable with people - and a lot of times it sucks. There are times when I do have the desire to be vulnerable, but won't bring it up myself. During these times i pray to God that he will have the person that i am talking with ask me about things, things that would cause me to have to become vulnerable. IF that happens and the person I'm talking with does ask me about these sensitive issues, I brush them off and I never EVER talk about them. Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself because of that, but I still can't find it within my self to change that part of me. 


I know that I compartmentalize things. That is the reason why I have 6 different blogs. It's stupid, but that is a result of my inability to be vulnerable and let people see all of me. I don't know if this is me trying to portray someone I'm not or if it is just my attempts to put those walls up... Then I see this idea of not being vulnerable as me just being able to figure it out by myself [or with God's help]. That I can internalize and figure things out well enough on my own and therefore I don't really need to share what is going on in my life. I do this all the time! I recognize this, and often have the desire to change it, but when it comes down to it I just can't. That's laying it out on the table. I. Cannot. Change. This. By. Myself. I really believe that only God can do it. And maybe I'm just not ready for that. maybe it will come in time. maybe it will never come. I don't know. Perhaps i'll never know.