Ever Changing...

“Sometimes you gotta lose ‘til you win. It’s alright, it’s alright it’s alright…. It’ll be alright again. I’m okay. I’m okay, it’ll be alright again”

Sugarland’s new album is great. SO many good songs! And songs that I feel relate to my life at this exact point in time. I love that feeling of others knowing what I’m going through and that I’m not alone in my emotions or predicaments. :)

The reason I put the quote at the beginning is that I feel that I keep losing when it comes to a Social Work job. I just don’t understand why I can’t find one. Is my resume/cover letter crap? Do organizations think I don’t have enough experience, are there just that many more qualified people applying? I’m becoming unsure if I’m supposed to be in social work or not… Should I go to grad school? Will that allow me to get a social work position or will that still not be enough? I’ve thought about opening a daycare lately. There are so many things I would need to get together in order to see that happen: A new place to live, capital to get toys and diapers and child-proofing measures, rent money, a guarantee that people would utilize me, etc. And licensing, but that would be the least of my worries. It’s only $50 and I’m sure I would pass anything they could throw at me :) But, even then, I still have the worry: is this what I’m supposed to be doing? It’s an annoying worry to have because there is no way for me to know.

I “quit” my overnight (ON) nanny job this week. I write quit like that because it’s not really over yet, but I believe that Saturday night should be my last night. It was tough: Deciding to quit and quitting. Thinking about quitting really put into perspective just how dear I hold to expendable income. I’ve had a few nervous moments over it. But, at the same time, it makes my life so much less complicated! Not necessarily the lack of money part, because that will throw a kink into a lot of my plans, but definitely the time and scheduling of my time. I have my nights free! I haven’t known what consecutive-nights-to-myself look like since the beginning of August. And let me tell you, it’s rather freeing. I feel like I’m not just running from place to place to place and back again. This week’s been a bit of a doozy in that I haven’t nannyed a lot because Erin has had to be at school at 6 am all this week and she has a friend who needed to pick up some extra cash, so she let her pick up the early morning shifts. Let me tell you, I’m definitely NOT complaining as it’s a nice change to be able to sleep in until 9:30/10. I’m so thankful that God allowed me to have this week to rest and recuperate, especially since Adam was here last week and I was SO ridiculously busy. God definitely knows what we need when we need it and I am so grateful for that.

Because of quitting, I’m getting back to the mindset that God is my provider. I never really lost that thought, but it definitely went on the back burner while I was making “lots” of money. Having a FT job where I made $1600 a month, on top of the $800 or so from the PT job, I felt like I was living on top. Of course, living on top didn’t necessarily mean budgeting the best. But, I feel like, for the last 2 months I budgeted better than I ever have my entire life. However, I know that next time I budget, I need to be stricter on my guidelines. Like, making a set amount of how much I’d be saving a month for food & going out instead of just replacing it every time I got money. That’s one thing I learned during my budgeting stretch… I also need to remember that I need to budget the money that I get now even more. Going from my old income to 1/3 of it is going to be a difficult adjustment, but one that I think I can make work. Obviously I will NEED to make it work, but I’m not worried too much about that as I know God is providing for me and it’s not a big deal to get less of an income. I am also looking for other jobs… PT would be great, ON would be great, especially if this ON is a sleep position… We’ll see what God has in-store.

In regards to budgeting, I need to make sure that I have enough money for Nov, Dec, & Jan rent. This may be a little tricky since Erin doesn’t have much schooling during the month of December. I’ll need to be extra budgeting-wise during November. Because of this new change in my life, I don’t think I’ll be going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. At least, that’s what it looks like at this point. I never know what things God will do, but in my heart and mind, this is what I’m planning. That means that this will be the second year in a row that I will miss the “family aspect” of these special occasions. Last year I also missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, sister and brother. It was very different. I had the hardest time with Christmas because I didn’t know what I was going to be doing. And I didn’t really get any Christmas gifts. Now, yes, the reason for the season is not the gifts and yes, I had not gotten much the past 2 Christmases before but it’s different the first time you’re not with your family, ya know. Its different when you’re butting in on other people’s celebrations. I just felt… lost. Yes, I think that would be the proper word. It was sad and disheartening and I’m still not looking forward to that this year, but I definitely think it will be less bothersome. I’ll tell ya, though; I can’t wait to have a family of my own and to make my own traditions and excitements. :)

One of my goals in this season of having one job is to get into the Word more and to seek God on a much deeper basis. I also want to get into reading books that stimulate my mind and help me to search for that deeper connection. These books can be overtly spiritual or not at all. I’m just planning on finding God in everything I read and in all that I do. It’s comforting to know that he will never leave me nor forsake me; that he is always near to me and has given ear to my requests, that He lets MY prayers come before Him. He makes strong my heart and brings comfort when I am weak and troubled. So, in this time of spare time, I strive to use it, not just for idle things, for sleeping or watching tv or playing games, but to first and foremost find Him and love Him; because He FIRST loved me. I want to find Him in my quiet time, in my fellowship time, in my babysitting time, in my resting time, in my daily nannying time, in my cooking time, in my music-listening time, all the time, every time. That’s my prayer: that when I seek Him I will indeed find Him.

God,
I’m asking that in this time, I would ask you for things and that you would give them to me. Not things that further me or bring me glory, but those things that remind me of whom you are and that show others of your mercy and power. You tell me that if I seek I will in turn find. I’m asking that while trying to seek you out that You would come to me. You would show me who You are in ways that I never imagined. I thank You that the ability to ask and seek and knock was given to me through the sacrifice of Your own son. That He died on the cross in order to bridge the gap that was between You and I. That I can have communion and fellowship with You as if You were right here next to me physically. Lord, I don’t know which doors I will be knocking on in this season of my life, but I thank You that You have gone before me to ready them. Lord, You are GOOD and your MERCY goes on forever.

God, I thank you for your infinite wisdom and your divine placement of Robin in my life at the bus stop on Sunday. Your providence amazes me. I’m so blessed to know that you hear our prayers that they rise up into your ears. You heard her prayers and gave thought to her when she was down to her last ounce of strength. She was troubled by an abusive partner, one who beat her and kept her from others, determining how she was to live. He was cruel to her in many ways. Robin was deeply wounded and was scared for her life, with deep fear she was covered saying: “if only I had wings like a dove! For then I would go in flight from here and be at rest”. Lord, you gave her wings and allowed her to get out from her situation. You gave her the strength and determination to leave, to end the vicious cycle that had been going on for a long time. I pray you continue to guide Robin, Father. Bring her to a place of restoration and peace. I pray against her friends and family speaking evil to her saying “it’s your fault” or “you deserved it”. Give her a sanctuary and remind her that it’s not her fault. I praise you for newness in her life, for a new start. Remind her of her past life, God, as we can’t know where were going if we don’t know where we’ve been. Be her savior, God. I thank you and praise you for taking her soul away from the attack and for giving her peace. Please remind me on a daily basis that you will be my support if I bring my cares to you. You won’t let me be moved, God. Bring opportunities for growth in Robin’s life, for job skills and a way to earn a living; to become self-sufficient but completely dependent on you. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

ps, I often update my other blog more often than this...

ama80205.tumblr.com

This will also be located there... :) 

Change is changing

So, I blogged early [and just posted today] about losing my job as a nanny. I got it back a few days after I wrote that. She texted me and said that her friend was starting a new job and she wanted to know if I, or anyone I knew, was looking for an  overnight nanny job. I, of course, JUMPED on that chance. Money is money. I feel like I've done a good job not letting anger or past feelings get in the way.


I've been nannying for them for just about three weeks now. The pay went down a little, but that's completely okay. It's still more than enough to get by on.


Getting the nanny job back gave me the ability and confidence to know that when I had to move, I would be able to. It's funny how God gives and takes away to reinforce that he is my provider and nothing else. I will say that I do get frustrated with Him at times, it's annoying to have to live like this... nervous about living stuff and the like...


Speaking of moving, move I did. I found this cute little place [on Craigslist with a few roommates] that I looked at Monday the 30th, declared that I wanted to move there on the 30th, and moved everything in the next day [the day I had to be out of my apt.]. I'm living in a house on 33rd & Adams. This is located near two bus stops, and many Providence people. I can take the bus straight to Prov, too! OH! AND I'm located a block and a half away from a fire department. I'm excited for that! :) Helllllllooooo, manly men!


There was some drama in the housing/moving department, but I will refrain from any details. It was stupid, though, but it's now resolved. At least in one regard... [cryptic, I know!]


So, now, i am moved into this place [i will be looking for something new come April, then moving for Grad school in August [another 4 month pattern...blah]. Perhaps I will move to GS sooner than later. I'm still debating on which grad school to go to. I'm looking at [for the moment] a place in Seattle and Connecticut. I really want to be by the water again. And to move somewhere new. I want this exciting change. I'm also sorting through a few different places, too, to see if they're somewhere I would like to go.


Life is settling down a little at this moment, for which I am thankful. I still have to finish unpacking, which I'm trying to put off as long as possible, honestly. Haha. That's so bad! I have no motivation or self-determination to do so. I'm incorrigible, truthfully.


I'm leaving in a few minutes to an eventful night. A Taste Of Colorado, a BBQ, and a Bonfire all in one night. I'm OH SO EXCITED!

My monthly blog

: ) So, apparently I subconsciously blog about once a month if I'm lucky.
Oh life and my inability to be consistent... : )

Life: CRAZY!
God: AMAZING & ANNOYING.
Work: FINALLY!
Money: BARELY?
Family: GREAT.
Spiritually: MEDIOCRE.
Friends: PLENTIFUL

So, the month of July had it's ups and downs, goods and bads, lessons and learnings.

I lost my job as a nanny. She gave it away to her friend who needed to make some quick cash. That was a bummer. It made me kind of mad, honestly. It was rude and inconsiderate.

Adventures in sickland

This week, I got sick.
It started out Saturday night into Sunday morning. I woke up with a fever, earache, & a headache.
Let me tell you. Neither were too fun.
I went to church Sunday morning and wound up leaving a little early.
I went to walmart, bought some ibuprofen, cough drops & a thermometer.
All three things helped a lot.
But I still didn't get better. I began to get a sore throat, a cough, phlegm, etc.
So, I didn't babysit for small group. and I didn't go into work.
I had trouble sleeping. Honestly, I'm not sure how much I slept at all this past week.

The same thing went on Monday/Monday night. I didn't go into work.
I didn't work at all this past week. From Sunday night until Saturday night.
That was a bummer. A big bummer.

Tuesday I went to Urgent Care. I had to do something about feeling like crap.
So, $142 later, I was diagnosed with what I already knew - strep throat - and was started my anti-biotics. I got progressively better from there and now, the only remnant I have is some medication and a bit of a cough.

I didn't eat very much this week - had a bit of trouble keeping some foods down. But I did eat broth, some noodles, and a lot of grapes.

Thursday I went linedancing. It was a bit of a stretch, but i needed to get out and about. It was good for me, to exert myself. Friday I went out with friends. but didn't keep down what I ate - that was a little gross. I didn't like that at all.

I finally went back to work yesterday! I was so thankful for that! A week without income - just expenditures, one BIG expenditure!!

But here I am - feeling better and making money.

Life is so different now!

Hi there :)

I realized that I never posted updates...

I am living at Seabrooke's. It is good. Kelly is good.

I have a job! I am a nanny doing overnights with a 4 month old baby boy named Rafi. He doesn't sleep though the night yet, so I am staying with him and waking up to feed and change him. It's a good job, and I really enjoy it. However, it is only until he starts sleeping through the night [his older brother who is now 2 didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 10 months... I'm hoping this is a similar situation ;) ]

I started April 17 and was able to afford rent for May here at the house.
It's awesome to be able to live on my own! And by that I mean with Kelly. :)
It's great to be able to afford all the things I need and to be able to help people out with money... :) I can buy groceries, pay my bills, afford rent, and spend money to help others out when they need it. It's fantastic!

Updates...

I have this thing where I begin to write a blog entry and then I don't have the pahzazz to finish it so it sits in my blog as a draft.

I realize that it's been a while since I've posted a real, true to life, entry. So, without further ado, here goes:

.:| In a few more than 20 days, the plan is to leave the McCall's and go somewhere - possibly Seabrooke's house to live for the majority of the summer.
.:|At this point, I don't have a job, other than babysitting, which allows me to pay my bills and have a little extra left over for spending. Nor do I have any money saved up to be able to pay for rent at Seabrooke's.

.:|I posted an ad on Craigslist advertising myself as a nanny for the near future and beyond. I came home tonight to see a response from a lady asking me when I could start.
.:|I just emailed her back letting her know that I can start immediately and asking her about her family and what she is looking for in her nanny, along with a few other questions. At this point, I am not assuming that I will get this job, rather I am assuming that it is a scam and that I won't get it and so on and so forth. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not being overtly pessimistic, I am just being a realist and knowing that I can't just assume that it is going to work out.
.:|I do, however, know that God has a plan for me and that I can rely on Him and trust in the fact that He loves me and knows what I need when I need it. He is my provider, not anything else, and I relish in the knowledge that He can never let me down.
.:|So, at this point, it's a wait and see game. I made the first move, she responded, and then I made the third move. We'll see how it pans out from here...

.:|A goal that I have, dependent on whether I get this nanny job or another job for that matter, for this summer is to save up enough money to get a vehicle. I would love to be able to get something fairly new, so that I don't have to worry about fixing it up a whole lot, but I'll really take anything...

.:|I am attempting to learn spanish, though it's not coming along so well. Kelsey and I are going to use Rosetta Stone software to try and get better at it. It's a goal of mine to learn the spanish language and to be able to interact with people of Hispanic culture.

.:|Providence is so bueno. I am still involved in a community group and am enjoying getting to know God better and also getting to know the people there better. I am involved in a few give ministries through Prov. including nursery, refreshments, greeting, and an overview of the give ministries. I start a new position with the nursery this month and that is a teaching role. That just means that I will be giving the lessons to the kiddos ages 3+ once a month. I'm excited about this new role!
.:|Regarding the refreshments, that just means that I set up the bagels in the back once or twice a month. Greeting means I stand outside welcoming people to Providence and giving them bulletins with a smile and a hug.
.:|The overview of the give ministries means that I am calling certain members of the church and making sure that they are involved with a give ministry themselves.

.:|I am continuing to look into going to Haiti for a missions trip this summer, though I'm not so sure it is going to work out. I would love to go, but whatever happens will happen. A lot will depend on fundraising - though i haven't sent out flyers about that yet : ( If I do not get to go, it will be okay. I know that there are many able bodied persons who will go and do great things there!

.:|I have somethings to think about regarding housing situations in the later future. For instance, I'm not sure how the whole Seabrooke thing is going to work out past the summer months. It's something that God is working on and in and it will be resolved when it needs to be resolved...

.:|Other wise, life is going well. It's keeping me on my toes and providing me with plenty of life changing experiences. My trust in the Lord grows stronger daily, as I wait on Him to provide me with what I need. I know that in the end He will get all the glory! He deserves it and I trust in Him and what He is doing in and through my life.

Today is April 2nd.
In less than one month I will be moving out of the McCall's and, like usual, I have NO idea what is going to happen after that.

I still don't have a "real job" as my mother would like to call it, and as of right now my income from babysitting isn't enough to be able to move into Seabrooke's house and pay for everything that would be needed, including rent, utilities, groceries, a bus pass, etc. So I'm finding myself between a rock and a hard place. I relish in the day when I won't be worried about money because I'll have a job.

Today I am going to T.J. Maxx to see if they are hiring still. I should have done this a week or two ago but I did not.

I've been kept busy with babysitting this week.
4 different families in three days. A total of $231 this week from babysitting. and that doesn't include babysitting tonight and possibly tomorrow morning.

I enjoy weeks like this :) Between being busy babysitting, spending time with friends, sleeping, eating, line-dancing, and being entertained, it's a good week. I have the ability to see two different concerts tonight, though not sure if I'll be able to do both or not, helping out with an egg hunt tomorrow, spending the night at Tabetha's tomorrow, going to the easter sunrise service at Red Rocks, then going to Providence, then going over to Josh & Holly's for easter lunch/dinner and getting to meet new people [I hope!].

Life is good, and God is greater than I'll ever know, but gives me what I need and desire.

Everyone's Irish in Denver [on march 17!]

St. Patty's Day.
I enjoy you :)
I would enjoy your more if I were able to be in Chicago and see the green river.
But I'll still enjoy you tomorrow in Denver.

Things I am planning on doing [especially since I don't have job right now :D]:

going to a job interview - at the United Way as a 2-1-1 Resource Specialist! Praying it comes through as it's something I would LOVE to do!
visiting the Celtic Tavern - one of my new favorite spots : ) http://denver.metromix.com/restaurants/essay_photo_gallery/reservations-please-celtic-tavern/1747511/content
visiting the Fado Irish Pub - c'mon, what's more fun than an irish pub on st. patty's day?!
Biking it up
Wearing green!
Hanging around downtown and visiting people.
Going to community group
Going out [somewhere] for in celebration of St. Patrick and Kelsey's birthday :D

it's gonna be a good day and night!

Buses

I'm really beginning to enjoy taking the bus system. While it means that i have to be more proactive about where I want to go and that sort of thing, I like being able to just sit and relax. Well, at least relaxing until the last 10 minutes or so of the bus ride because I don't want to miss my stop... eeesh. :)

I'm taking the bus today to babysit later tonight. I don't start babysitting until 6:40 but I have to start walking to the bus stop by 5:10. Not only is this good exercise, I have the chance to see more of life in these parts and even possibly get to know people. Plus the idea of not spending money on gasoline is a great bonus.

[note that I would have taken the bus if I were going to babysit - one of the boys is sick :( ]

I do enjoy riding them, though. Since i don't have to babysit i will probably stay home tonight since I was out alll week. :)

Changes

I just rearranged the room that I am staying in.
You see, I am a snorer. It's something that I ask God to take away every night. True story.
But, apparently, out of all of the genes I could have got from my mother, I was destined to snore like her.
This is not the kind of snore that's cute and quiet. Oh no.
My snore is rather loud and obnoxious.
This is one of the reasons Dani was so excited that I was not going to be her roommate anymore.
My snores would wake her up in the middle of the night and she would have to yell my name to get me to stop snoring. Too bad for her my snoring is one that may subside for a few minutes but it will start back up eventually.
I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I sleep on my back with my mouth open.
But really, anyway that I sleep - on the side, on my back or on my stomach, I always find the ability to snore.

So, I say all of that to preface why I re-arranged my room. I now will sleep facing the outside wall, and hopefully my snores will at least seem quieter when people are passing by my room.
I think I am just being naive, I don't really think it will work, but it is sure worth a try.

Life is also ever changing.
I am praying the the change is going to be drastic.
Like getting a job! I had an interview the other day.
It seems as though it went well. They asked me about which shifts I would rather work.
I asked them which they needed more.
The lady said "I think that because of your experience you would be an asset to the 5 nights/week shift"
So I'm really praying and hoping that because of that, I will be hired on.

My official move-out date from the McCall's is May 1st.
I really need God to move in great ways in order to see this happen!
The job is definitely the first thing.
Once I have the job, I will need to save money and look for housing.
Depending on where I find an apartment at, I can just ride the bus to and from where I need to go...
I don't mind riding the bus, actually, I rather enjoy it. Gives me a lot of quiet reflective time.
There is going to be a lot of stuff going on in the next few months and I am so excited for it all to start unfolding!

Year 23

Yesterday I saw a fox! It was an adult fox, on the corner of Dover&52nd. I stopped my truck for about 30 seconds taking in it's glory. :) It made me want to watch the Fox and the Hound. I <3 that movie. That's all about the fox.

Today I bought my packzi's and they were delicious. I didn't stop to think of what I was doing, and I ordered a dozen of them, half glazed, half powder-sugared. I had 1.5 and gave the rest away. I also bought some pierogie's and they are delicious as well. I bought two ziplock bags of them, one is filled with a potato and cheese mixture, the other with a cabbage/mushroom mixture. They are delicious! Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! I tried one of each of them for lunch. I'm going to try and save them for when Ana comes here, but that may be hard to do...So, if worse comes to worst, we'll just go and buy some more.

I babysat today, as well. I got up early to make sure I got my packzi's and then went right after that to babysit. I was there from 8:45-6:20 this afternoon. It was a good day, a long day, but very much delightful. I got to watch 4 of the cutest little girls and had a blast. I can't wait for when it gets warmer so that when I babysit I can take the kiddos outside to play. Annnd, the money from this was good too, which makes it super nice!

I will soon be accomplishing another of my previous mentioned goals this week: go line dancing. A group of friends and I are going to go to the Grizzly Rose Thursday night (which happens to be ladies night) and just have a good 'ole time. I am so happy about this; I've been in Denver a year and still haven't gone line dancing. That is quite unacceptable...  Now it will change. I would love to go at least once a month. At least. I'm hoping to meet some new people while I'm there. I've really been craving ways to meet other people, who can bring some fun adventures into my life.

I really want this month to be the beginning of new life for me. To have this 23rd year be a year of adventure and excitement means a lot to me. I'm tired of living a boring life. I'm also tired of being the typical american who knows only one language and only cares about herself. I am striving to be a lover of people, a friend to those who want it, and a person who has more that just my self-interest in mind. Year 23 is going to be one of radical love accompanied by change within.

Future Decisions

I have a BIG decision to make in the coming weeks/months.
My mom really wants me to come home and live with her again, at least for a few months.
She is having some housing troubles and feels that having a "dependent" living there again will lessen some of the brunt (though I'm not entirely sure how). 
She informed me today that there is a lien on the house because of a truck that her and my dad bought ten years ago (which was repo'd because they couldn't pay for it). 
The lien is for $15,000. 


So, I have to decide if I can go back there and live with her for a few months. 
3-6 months, to be approximate.
I'm praying about this decision.
But, I know that if I go back I am going to be miserable.
For as much as my mom wants me back, she knows that we don't get along regarding anything.
We fight and argue all the time - nothing I do is ever good enough.
She makes stupid decisions and is too negative for me to understand or enjoy.


She misses having people around - it's only her in the house now.
She has a crappy dating life - she's never happy by herself and always needs to be in a relationship.
That is also the cause of strife among us...


I also do not miss my real hometown of Bangor.
I was just talking to my sister about how if I never lived there again I would be more than happy.
I see the life that some of the people I graduated with have there and it's not something that I desire.
I don't have a church home back there, and I would miss Providence sooooooooooooo much.


I'm a little upset that my mom wants me to leave my life and who I'm becoming to go back there, because she wouldn't do that for me. 
I would have to put my life, as I know it, on hold. 
And find a job somewhere around there.
I don't really have anyone I would call "friend" living there...
It's not at all something I want to go back to.


In the pit of my stomach I am dreading having to pray about this and decide what to do.
I'm scared I'm going to be like Jonah and have to go back to my version Ninevah. 
But, as much as I have no desire to go back, I know I have to listen to God's voice in this situation.
I have to pray about it and see what he says and follow Him in it.

Goals & Aspirations

So, I am making a list of somethings I want to do in the near future and also the far future. 

Some might call it a bucket list, others a "wish" list... Call it what you will, this is my to do list that encompasses the future - whatever it may be. tall aspirations, simple pleasures, you name it, it's there. 

So, here goes...

But seriously, it's small right now.

~ Go line dancing (went 2/18)

~ Learn spanish

~ See Blackhawk in concert @ The Grizzly Rose

~ Talk to 5 friends a week that I've not in a while on FB

~ fly Ana here for her SB weekend

~ find a paczki bakery by Tuesday (Succeeded! 2/16)

~ Spend more time in the Word

~ Start scrapbooking

~ Go home Feb 25-28 (bought plane ticket! 2/14)

~ Be a bartender

~ Visit all 50 states

~ Get more tattoos

~ Own a vehicle

~ Go on a cruise

~ Go on at least 1 road trip a year

~ Meet the love of my life

~ Get married on the beach

~ See the northern lights

~ Go stargazing with people I love

~ own a hammock

~ Go to 27 other countries (1 down)
~ Go tornado chasing
~ make a wind chime
~ Visit Poland
~ own a unique ceiling fan
~ visit a castle
~ Go on tour with a band!

a host of others will be added to this which will become my official list where things are added and checked off : )

Blessings & Thankfulness

So, looking back on my postings, I feel that I am portraying the wrong impression of myself or, at least, it's not the full picture of life for me.

I am blessed beyond all measure.
Life isn't keeping me down, it's me keeping life down.
Muting the fact that I have many options everyday.

There are so many things that I count as blessings that I am thankful for daily.

• My God who loves me and forgives me all the time
• Faith
• a FANTASTIC church body at Providence Bible church
• Jesus & The Resurrection
• Friends who are living all over the world teaching youngsters 
• Prayer
• Family back home
• SAU
• Family I've been adopted into here in Colorado
• Health that is decent right now
• LOVE
• The internet that helps keep me connected with friends and family
• Being able to pay my bills
• Awesome friends I've made
• People helping others
• The weather in Colorado
• Where I've been 
• Family Life Vineyard Church
• A place to live 
• A vehicle to drive when I need
• Fall Foliage
• Babysitting jobs that are handed to me
• A steady income of money
• Music
• People who care about my well being
• Ana
• Friends and family who are praying for me on a consistent basis
• Learning life lessons
• A great community group!
• Road trips
• DRM
• My God who restores me on a daily basis
• Pops
• Sunsets & Sunrises!
• The ability to read and write
• A college education
• Aunt Mary
• Sunshine!
• Crafts
• Michigan
• The Lake
• my brothers - Adam & Andrew
• Worship
• Candles
• Hot Cocoa
• Playgrounds
• Children
• Sleeping
• Trees 
• JOY
• Creation's beauty
• Randy & Sheryl McCall
• Pets

traversing towards destinations

I read a quote today that was really impactful: 
"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain" -Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, page 100.


As of late, I've been thinking about my life and my desire to "have more fun" or make it more "worthwhile". After thinking on what I mean by these two phrases, I realize that life is what I make out of it. It's like making strawberry lemonade out of lemonade and strawberry Stoli rather than lemonade and actual strawberries. I would be bummed if I had to make it the natural way. Stoli makes it much more delicious, you know. But, I need to learn that just because I don't have the Stoli doesn't mean that I can't make strawberry lemonade at all, I just need to make it with the ingredients that i have. 


How often is it that life is more like an episode of Chopped -which for those of you who do not know, it's a Food Network show in which 4 chefs compete for a prize of $10,000. The whole premise is that they receive a basket of 3-4 foods out of which they have to make either an appetizer, a main course, or a dessert. None of the chefs know what these ingredients are until the time is on the clock and they have to race to make the food. These ingredients are obscure and always interesting. For a main course there could be duck breast, green onions, honey and ginger which, unless you are a good chef and can run with what you're given, it becomes quite difficult to make something that.- The same is true of life. we are thrown into these random situations and unless we have a good attitude about them and learn to ride with the current instead of struggling against it, we will not do well. 


I keep thinking - oh, when I get a car life is going to be better; when I have my own place I'll have lots of people who will come over and hang out, etc, etc, etc. The truth is, life is right here right now. 

Souza wrote: 

for a long time it seemed to me that real life was about to begin. 

but something always got in the way. 

at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. 

this perspective has helped me to see that happiness is a journey, not a destination :)

And it's so true! I can keep putting my life off until I've gotten it 'right' but I will never, ever, have it right. Nothing is ever going to be perfect or complete or just how I want it. Something is always going to get screwed up or screwed over but I have to realize that I need to make the best out of it. God is good - he provides for me all that I need. I am never alone, never forsaken. He has never left me. 

As an old college friend wrote 

:: I have never been let down by my Savior.
:: I have loved every step of my journey thus far.
:: I am not God, and so thankful for that!
:: God knows what is coming, and I do not need to know.
:: I am seeking Jesus, and in that, He will deal with my mind and heart each step of the way.
:: I choose Faith and Trust through this all.

I was convicted at church on Sunday. The sermon was entitled "Personal Transformation, City Transformation" One of the phrases that stuck out to me the most was "Jesus wanted disciples, not admirers..." and how often is it that I am more the admirer that the disciple. To admire is to regard with wonder, pleasure or approval. to like or desire. A disciple is one who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another. I often find it easy to watch someone with pleasure and I definitely admire Christ, but I can say that while I embrace Christ's teachings, I often in no way assist with spreading these teachings. Sure, I keep His teachings in my head and in my heart, but am not usually vocal with them, at least not with people other than with whom I attend church. 

What happened to being in the world but not of it. I find that I more identify with being of the world rather than just living in it. Where does my allegiance lie? By my deeds and words, it's here rather than passing through to Heaven. To tie this all back together, it's not going to be until I get it in my heart that I am not destined for what life offers here in the present world but rather for the future world with Christ, I am never going to find that happiness that I so desire. I will find glimpses of it, but never will I be completely satisfied. 

This is my temporary home. It's not where i belong. windows and rooms that I'm passing through. 

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going. This is my temporary home.

Hermitcy & Motives

So recently I've been a bit of a hermit.
I find it's not that difficult to master, though it does discourage me sometimes.
While I know that a lot of the things that are going through my head aren't true, I still tend to give them way too much of my though process. There are a lot of lies roaming around unchecked in this brain and heart of mine, and I need to learn to tune them out and not give them any though at all. But that is a hard lesson to learn, and I find myself bending to these lies.


I think that the main lie inside of me right now is that I could disappear and no one would really know. I know that that is a complete fallacy and that there are plenty of people that would notice and whom would care. But I find that the more I hermit, and the more that I'm not getting involved with the people around me the more I being to believe this idea.


One thing has really been bugging me as of late, and I guess it also goes along with this theme of hermitcy & "invisibility", if you will. It's this whole thing about not having "real" friends. And, to understand this line of though, I suppose I have to identify what a "real" friend is to me. I feel that in my life I am always making acquaintances. I am very good at getting to know people to a certain extent, of getting along with them and making them feel at ease when I am around them.


Because I am a very closed off person I find that it's easy to be surface level, and maybe even a little deeper but there is no one that I am fully myself with. There are things that no one knows about me and that makes me a little sad. I'm really good at listening to others and giving them advice or helping to give them the ability to figure things out for themselves, but I'm terrible at opening up to others. I honestly don't think there is one time that I have let everything that is inside of me out. And I'm not really talking about deep, dark patches of my life, but just in general. I always tell myself that I'm good at internalizing things and figuring them out for myself, and this is mostly true, but once I would just like someone to really push me about life and not let me take an out. 

Because I am who I am, I get frustrated by the fact that people don't ask about me as much as I ask about them. Actually, it's not so much that they don't ask, it's that they don't push me to open up. I can say, "Life is good," or "I'm fine" but no one asks me what "fine" means. But the honest truth is I probably wouldn't open up anyway. I always do that. I thirst for people to ask about me but when they do I still brush it off and say I'm fine. I think that I put up those walls because I'm waiting for those people, those "friends", who will huff and puff and blow them down. Like the big bad wolf in the three little pigs. 

And I hate that I've been this way my whole life. In so many aspects. 

I've been wondering about my motives lately. After some talks, and contemplating the behavior of others, I wonder how much like them I am. What are the motives behind my actions. Do I tend to do things where I will get something out of them, or am I mostly self-less in my actions. Looking back and seeing what I do for others, and thinking about them with un-biased thoughts, I do think that for the most part, even if something doesn't benefit me I still try to help others out. Obviously, there are sometimes when this is not the case, but I do believe with my heart that this is not true with the majority of my underlying motives. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence entitled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" and it's really made me stop and think about the motives behind my motives behind my actions. The lyrics to this song are 

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road

This is where the cream is gonna rise

This is what you really didn't know

This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back

wants to shake your hand

when you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up 

and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end

This ain't where the bandwagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are

(yeah, yeah)

You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road

Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere

(Well man, I've been there)

Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back

Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there

Oooh yeah.

I've been thinking a lot about the actions of others, of those who I would call acquaintances, but who would perhaps call me friend. But I don't want to be that person who has the plank in my eye: "don't judge, so that you won't be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye;' and behold, the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." {Matthew 7:1-6; WEB}. 

At this point, I am trying to figure out how big this beam is, and whether I can use tweezers to get it out, or if I need to go with the bigger guns. I see the actions of people and I think, "how selfish they are" or "how uncaring or thoughtless" and often times I think I am better than those who are around me, but I know that that isn't always true and there are times when I put myself first and others later. and vice versa. But I don't like when I attempt to put myself later, but it backfires and people think that I'm being selfish that way. I don't know that I can give any examples of that, but I'm sure it has happened.

And that is what it is...

Community & my responsibility...

Today, after babysitting this morning, I got to spend sometime with Jess and we talked about a lot od different things. I was inspired today to become more involved in people's lives. Though not in a harsh and demanding way.

Henri Nouwen, in his book Gracias, wrote, "More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, and greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presencve. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire is to be useful, to do something significant, is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings and conferences, that prevent me from walking the steets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause and not to feel that you are working directly for special progress. But, I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them but you truly love them” (p.147).

How often is it that I am doing these things? with people closest to me, I am surely doing these things, though I might be a little more "demanding" about it. But I can guarantee that with people who I don't know and who don't know me, and who, perhaps, are different than myself whether gender-wise, racially, sexually, spiritually, personality-wise, tempermanent-wise, etc. I am not seeking to find and build community. This really makes me stop and wonder about who it is that I am trying to be and how I might be different now than I once was.

Aside from that wondering, I now have to figure out how I am going to take this knowledge and apply it to my life in a fashion that befits this calling to love God and love others. This is not going to be an easy task, I can figure that out on my own... however difficult this is going to be, I need to remind myself the reason I am in this boat to begin with and I just really need to push myself to put my own motives and desires aside and to search out this journey.

Cigarettes & Compartmentalization.

So, tonight I smoked my first two cigarettes in a very long while. Years, actually. And, surprisingly, it was good. It actually reminded me of my dad a lot [they were the same brand that he smoked...] and it made me both miss him and feel content with the situation at the same time, which is a rather peculiar predicament. It really made me think back to a couple different situations. Including his funeral and a little poem one of my aunts put up entitled "Pocket Full Of Sunshine." I remember, at the funeral, my sister and I laughing about that because there was never any sunshine in his pockets but there were cigarette butts, lint, and oftentimes screws. Hahaha, the life of a painter :) 


I also had a chat with a good friend. I re-realized tonight that I hold a lot back. I think it stems from a couple different things : first, I tend to listen to people more than I talk because I think their lives are a lot more interesting. second, I listen more because I learn more about others and I enjoy getting to know people. third, I listen because I am not talented at saying what I want to say and allowing it to come out in a concise fashion. fourth, i just don't think that what I have to say [most of the time] is something that will be impactful to other people. fifth, when it comes to conversations, unless I REALLY feel the need to say something, I might start to say something, get interrupted, then never say what I intended to say. Lastly, I always feel like my "problems" are a lot less important that other people's problems and therefore would rather the people I'm with talk and I just listen as they might need more imput than I...


I am reminded that I tend to keep myself closed off emotionally, though I'm not sure where that stemmed from. For some reason I have a desire to not be vulnerable with people - and a lot of times it sucks. There are times when I do have the desire to be vulnerable, but won't bring it up myself. During these times i pray to God that he will have the person that i am talking with ask me about things, things that would cause me to have to become vulnerable. IF that happens and the person I'm talking with does ask me about these sensitive issues, I brush them off and I never EVER talk about them. Sometimes i get so frustrated with myself because of that, but I still can't find it within my self to change that part of me. 


I know that I compartmentalize things. That is the reason why I have 6 different blogs. It's stupid, but that is a result of my inability to be vulnerable and let people see all of me. I don't know if this is me trying to portray someone I'm not or if it is just my attempts to put those walls up... Then I see this idea of not being vulnerable as me just being able to figure it out by myself [or with God's help]. That I can internalize and figure things out well enough on my own and therefore I don't really need to share what is going on in my life. I do this all the time! I recognize this, and often have the desire to change it, but when it comes down to it I just can't. That's laying it out on the table. I. Cannot. Change. This. By. Myself. I really believe that only God can do it. And maybe I'm just not ready for that. maybe it will come in time. maybe it will never come. I don't know. Perhaps i'll never know. 

To ask or not to ask [for more money]

So today marked the final day of babysitting in 4 days. I babysat Wednesday and Thursday for a Riley and yesterday I babysat, spent the night, and babysat today for two girls Camdynn & Brenna, and then, for the last 4 hours of that time, I also was watching Rena & Aliyah.

I am finding it to be difficult finding a balance between wanting to be graceful when it comes to money but also needing to be firm and ask for more, ask for my time's worth.

For example, babysitting for C&B I made $100. For 36 hours. This is a ridiculously low price. I appreciate the money, but am wondering if I should have asked for more money or not. I always feel bad about asking for more money, or if they ask me if that amount is enough and I say yes, it is enough, but should really ask for more to compensate me for my time, and I think it is because of the way I was raised where we didn't have a lot of extra money to pay people more. So, I'm in this dilemma of figuring out how to go about this money thing in a diplomatic and financially fair way. I think what i need to do is figure out rates and then tell those to people. For example, if I charge $12 an hour for 2 kids, or $10 an hour for 1, I also need to figure out this overnight thing. When do I stop charging an hourly rate and charge a flat "kids are sleeping rate"...

I need to set these things into place now so that i just have them to hand out... but I don't want my rates to stop people from using me as a babysitter... ah, dilemma's dilemma's!

For now I will just feel the situations out and see how it goes from there...

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = +2

You know how people just make New Years Resolutions without really thinking about the long term - my hope is that I don't do that. I want to think about long term ramifications of these things I call resolutions. One of those goals and LTR's is to blog twice a week. Hopefully these blogs are comical anecdotes or lessons that I've been learning, and not just something that i post for the sake of posting.

I want to be able to see how I have progressed in life over the course of a year. Where I go, what I do, things I learn, ups and downs, all of these things are important in my life. I would like to become a little more vulnerable though these postings, and not compartmentalize my life into 6 or 7 different blogs.

This posting will be anecdotal.

Something else happened on the way to Wyoming. I thought I would have learned better, growing up in Michigan where the road can sometimes be icy and all. We were driving through Wyoming, nearly two hours after our gas incident. As I insinuated, the roads were becoming icy. There was a semi-truck flipped on its side in the median between the E & W two lane highway roads. It was about a mile after this when i hit a patch of ice and started to fish tail. Now, I'm not good when it comes to remembering things well, but I think we fishtailed to the right, and then the left, then the right again, and from there we drove right into the ditch. I don't know what would have happened if i hadn't over corrected the steering but it is what it is. We did go into the ditch but thankfully we drove into facing the right direction and in a diagonal manner into about a foot and a half of snow.

I think it took us about 30 minutes rocking it back and forth, turing the wheel a couple different ways, and really pushing that beast [during which I feel on my knees about 4 times :)] when we got it out. I was thankful for a few things during that time. first: we didn't flip. This thought didn't cross my mind until later, but the washer and dryer in the truck bed, along with the way we fishtailed a couple of times mixed with the way the shoulder led down into the median in a gentle way, [along with GOD's provision] caused us to be okay and not have any fear of flipping. second: no cops stopped along the way [which would have meant another fricking ticket...]. third: we were able to get the truck out of the snow! [after we prayed for the strength to be able to push it out :)]. fourth: it made for an unforgettable memory [(as quoted on my facebook status) "we did not lose the washer..."].

It was great to be able to not be stuck. I could not believe that no civilian stopped to help us. By this time it was about 5 am and there were people on the road. I would have thought that wyoming, with their old fashioned gas stations, would have old fashioned people who would stop and help push a stuck truck out of the ditch. Apparently I was wrong...

So, that was the last of the wyoming adventures. It's sad that there were only two of them :( But the two that we had were great and will leave long lasting memories and laughs between Michelle and I. :)

On that note, another of my resolutions [that i may have just made up, nullifying my entire first papragraph regarding the LTR's] is to go to bed at a decent hour that reflects my next days activities. So far, I am failing tonight. It's already 1:03 and i have to babysit at 8:30 which means I have to get up at 7:55. :o) That means I have just under 7 hours of sleep ahead of me.

I need to look for a car... one that is around $1500 and runs well that i won't need to put any money into maintenance for a while... yeesh.

with love, blessings, and a grateful heart

~ama

Contentment vs. happiness

Sometimes I have a wave of disenchantment. A disenchantment that I will ever be happy. This is different than being joyous - I am most often full of joy because joy is not based on my circumstances - it is based on my creator, the one I love, who loves me back with a love that can never be taken away.

Happiness, however, is based on contentment is completely based on my circumstances. This happiness is based on my friends, time spent with those I consider friends, not having a job, not having a ton of fun things to do, not having my own car, on and on and on and on...

Sometimes when I am not happy, it settles in my stomach and reminds me of all those things that I don't have or that I'm not taking advantage of. It's always something I tell you.

Sometimes I'm happy when I spend time with myself, other times I CRAVE spending time with other people. I get discouraged when I am want to spend time with people and no one is around to do so. It really pisses me off, actually. I have that personality that when i want to be "introverted" I am absolutely find being such, but when I am forced to be introverted, I cannot stand it. Not at all. Today is one of those days where I'm fining myself being forced to be introverted. I am probably making a part of this up, but I have that feeling in my stomach that crawls up my back and makes me shiver... It's that pit-like feeling that causes me to verge on anger.

Oyevey.

So, happiness, I just need to stop depending on you. There is no reason you need to decide what I do or why I do it. There is nothing good about you. happiness and feelings are no use to me. It's about finding my contentment in Jesus who is my real reason for doing what I do... Though why is this such a hard thing to do? Why does this tend to be SO difficult?!

I just have to remind myself daily not to become dependent on the situations that I stumble into. I have to remind myself that regardless of my circumstances, I am who I am by the grace of God. I am still learning who I am becoming and am finding my way in this thing I call life.

Wyoming = 0. Michelle and Amanda = 1

Dear Colorado, I've missed you. I have decided that Wyoming sucks. But, it did not score on Michelle and I. We showed that state who is the boss. For sure.
Utah is okay, though. I suppose. Not great, and I hear Utah Lake smells terrible [go figure], but it treated us well. Treated me well. Though it was cold. and I didn't much appreciate that. But I got over it. Yup.

So, Colorado, let me tell you about my wyoming adventures [I've decided that wyoming is no longer special enough to be capitalized...]. The first adventure consisted of nearly running out of gas. En route to Utah, I forgot to mention to Michelle that wyoming will try to get one up on you by not having gas stations close together on I-80. Poorly designed interstate I've decided. What state has a gas station right off the interstate that does not have a credit card machine attached to it in order to pump gas in the dead of night [or 3 a.m. to be exact]. However, God showed up and provided us our first miracle of the night by allowing us to go nearly 60 miles on a tank of gas after the gas light came on. Michelle's truck usually only gets about 25 miles after the said gas light comes on. We were blessed not to run out of gas and to make it to a gas station.

Dear Wyoming - the only reason I capitalized you again is because you have the most amazing stars. I can see so many of them when i am driving and i appreciate it very much. thank you for that.
However, I do not wish to thank you for this next event.

This said event will get a special posting by itself tomorrow.

I will finish the rest of the story then, as well.

<3